


Acumen

by strayk_ds (hfullsun)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, dont let the tags scare u it gets better, he cute tho, i think, minho doesnt come in until the third chapter lol, yeah this fic is gonna take a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:01:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22058977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hfullsun/pseuds/strayk_ds
Summary: Hyunjin is stupid.Jisung is drunk and not feeling like himself and Hyunjin is stupid and that’s all he knows.He’s not even the party type. The only reason Jisung is at this stupid party is because it’s the beginning of summer and his senior year is about to start and he figured (with a little convincing from Hyunjin) now would be the time to start letting loose.Except now he's super drunk.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix
Comments: 40
Kudos: 188





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Before reading this fic I would like to give you a MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!
> 
> This fic has many things in it such as graphic rape, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. If any of these things trigger you or make you uncomfortable please do not read!!
> 
> I also want to make it known that this fic was originally written with other charatcers (from NCT lmao) and that fic is still up on this website under my other pseud. Since ulting Stray Kids, I lost the motivation to finish my NCT fic, so I decided to edit and change it to Stray Kids to finally complete the story! I lowkey had a lot of fun editing this fic, it made me want to start writing again, which I will gladly do!

Hyunjin is stupid.

Jisung is drunk and not feeling like himself and Hyunjin is _stupid_ and that’s all he knows.

He’s not even the party type. The only reason Jisung is at this _stupid_ party is because it’s the beginning of summer and his senior year is about to start and he figured (with a little convincing from Hyunjin) now would be the time to start letting loose.

Except now he's super drunk.

It’s not like Jisung hasn’t been drunk before. There were many times when Hyunjin's parents would go out of town and all four of them would raid his parent’s alcohol cabinet. Jisung has experience in the drunk department. Just not at a party with _millions of people_ he doesn’t know.

There aren’t millions of people here, but to a drunk Jisung every other face looks like someone new, and he can’t seem to recognize anyone except Felix making out with some guy in the corner and _ohmygod I did not need to see him grab that guy’s ass._

Currently, Jisung is being forced to “mingle” with this group of older guys because Hyunjin said it would be _fun_ and _they’re nice, Sungie, Chan hyung hung out with them a couple times when he was a senior and they were juniors, that means they have to be cool!_ His foggy brain didn’t know how to get out the words _but Jinnie, if they’re so cool, why are sophomores in college at a senior high school party?_

When Hyunjin looks at him expectantly, he knows he just missed something someone said.

“Wait, what? Sorry, I must have zoned out…” He finishes with an awkward chuckle, aware he’s probably way more drunk than anyone else in the circle. Loud music thumps in the background. Hyunjin just laughs and claps his hand on Jisung’s back.

“I was telling them all about how you want to major in music production. Minjun said that’s what he majors in!”

Oh right. College. Majors. The future. Everything Jisung didn’t want to think about, let alone discuss at a party.

“Yeah, it’s actually pretty cool! I could probably offer you some advice or answer some questions if you wanted?” A guy with dark stringy hair said that, directed at Jisung, and he assumes that has to be Minjun. He would have been attractive if it wasn’t for the god awful snapback he was wearing. Tragic.

“Minjun, that's so great! Jisung has so many questions about majoring in music production, he never shuts up! Seungmin, Felix, and I have to constantly tell him to just turn to Naver or find another major.” Hyunjin laughs as he says this, and takes another sip of his drink while turning to Jisung. “Why don’t you guys exchange numbers so you can actually get some answers for once?”

_That’s so stupid,_ Jisung thinks, _why on earth would I want to give some rando my phone number. Is Hyunjin trying to set me up? I told him I’m not looking for a boyf-_

His internal monologue gets cut off when Minjun slides over to him and puts his phone in Jisung’s hand with the “New Contact” screen open and ready.

For a second, Jisung debates putting in a fake number, but quickly decides against it. It’s not like this guy gave him any reason to dislike him so far, right? He’s a senior now. _You need to be more open to things and have new adventures!_ For some reason the voice in his head telling him that sounded a lot like Hyunjin.

Hyunjin is stupid.

Jisung puts in his real number.

The night goes on and Jisung drinks more, dances more, and loses himself more. One moment he’s sitting around talking to Minjun and his friends, and the next moment he’s sandwiched between Seungmin and Hyunjin on the dance floor, singing some kpop song he honestly couldn’t remember the name of if he tried.

Somewhere along the way, the three of them make their way to the back of the house. _My feet hurt,_ Seungmin had said, to which Hyunjin replied with _jesus fucking christ Minnie I told you not to wear your new Balenciaga’s. They’re not even cute and now they’re hurting your feet. Why don’t you ever listen to me_ and Jisung had wanted to throw up at how married they sounded. 

Jisung collapses on a couch and glances at his phone for the first time of the night. “Holy shit it’s already 2am, what the fuck?” He says it to no one, but Seungmin responds.

“What do you mean already? The night’s literally just beginning. I heard a couple of Minjun’s friends talking about smoking after this. We should totally try to get in on that.”

Hyunjin eagerly cuts in, “Oh my god, yes! Do you think they’ll make us pay? Maybe they’re too drunk and they’ll smoke us up for free?”

“Does it matter? Do you know anywhere else we’d even get weed from? We have to at least try.”

“I mean, I guess I wouldn’t mind paying but I still haven’t gotten a job y-“

“Hold on, guys,” Jisung stops them right there, “I really don’t think we should be out this late. I say we just go back to Seungmin’s and worry about weed another time. We literally have the whole summer ahead of us.”

Hyunjin and Seungmin share a look. The look tells Jisung that they probably won’t agree with him. They never do.

“I’m gonna go take another shot and then flirt with Joowon to see what they’re doing. Wish me luck!” As Hyunjin gets up to find more alcohol, Jisung feels his phone vibrate. He looks down and sees a text from an unsaved number. He must have made a face that showed how confused he felt because Seungmin was now elbowing him.

“Who texted you?”

Jisung has to think for a moment. Make that two moments. “I really have no idea. I never get texts from unsaved numbers…” He trails off as he opens the text.

_hey its minjun, u ever smoked before?_

“Seungmin, Minjun just texted me about smoking.”

“OH MY GOD! Oh my god, okay, Jisung,” Seungmin dramatically puts his hand on Jisung’s shoulder, “this is all on you now. You have to get us in on this! I’m gonna go find Hyunjin and Felix and then we’re gonna get high as fuck, thank god.”

Jisung watches Seungmin practically run through the house, and then looks back down at his phone. Now that he’s stationary and trying to focus on one thing, he’s realizing just how drunk he is.

_Fuck,_ Jisung thinks, _I’m totally not in the mood for this._ He decides to just suck it up and respond. This isn’t just Jisung’s summer, it’s Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin’s summer as well. He shouldn't ruin the night for everyone just because he’s “not in the mood”.

_hey minjun!! i’ve smoked a couple of times before and i really enjoyed it haha why are u asking??_

It only took a minute to get a response.

_my friends and i are heading back to my apartment to smoke, wanna come with?_

Jisung sat there for a moment, realizing it was a personal invite. If he couldn’t get his own friends to come he was absolutely not doing this.

_i sort of promised my friends i wouldn't leave them… is it cool if they come?_

Instant response again.

_of course! the more the merrier as they say lol_

Jisung sighed. Hard. As he got up to look for his friends, he noticed a half finished beer sitting on the table in front of him. Looking around, he downed the rest of the beer and set off to find his friends.

Spotting his friends was a lot easier than he thought. Scratch that— it was just as easy as he thought. Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin were all in the kitchen leaning on each other for support as they laughed. If Jisung could, he’d bet all $63.72 in his savings account that Felix said some dumb drunk shit, and Seungmin and Hyunjin couldn’t contain their laughter, which lead to them all cackling like idiots. Jisung smiled. They’re his idiots.

“Wow guys, high already?”

“Jisung, Felix is literally the biggest fucking idiot on the planet,” Hyunjin says through his laughter, to which Jisung had to chuckle at. Of course.

“We literally been knew,” Jisung says with a fake roll of his eyes. God he loves his friends.

“Wait, Sungie, what did you mean when you said ‘high already'? Does that mean we’re smoking?!” Seungmin looked like he genuinely couldn’t hold back his excitement. That made Jisung smile even more. He was about to bring so much joy to his friends.

“Yeah guys, Minjun invited us back to his apartment to smoke with his frien-“

“FUCK YES! Oh my god, Felix, I can’t wait to get you high again. That was literally the funniest experience of my life!” Hyunjin cut Jisung off. Jisung was used to it.

“Sungie, can you text him for the address? Guys, let’s all do two more shots and then we’ll go.” Seungmin said as he pulled some sterile looking vodka off the kitchen table.

“You guys can take the shots. I’m not gonna drink anymore tonight. I’ll just text Minjun.” Jisung pulled out his phone with the intention of sending a new message, but he saw an unread text already sitting in his inbox.

_yo my apartment is literally three blocks away so we’re just gonna walk there. u guys wanna meet us outside?_

Jisung responded immediately with a _yup we’ll be out soon!_ and turned back to his friends who had just finished their second round. As tough as Seungmin thinks he is, he always has the worst reaction to alcohol. Jisung laughs at their faces.

“That shit literally gets more gross as the night goes on, doesn’t it. Jesus fucking christ.” Hyunjin grimaces as he scans the kitchen to see if he can find anything to chase it with, frowning when he doesn't find anything.

“Alright,” Jisung starts, “Minjun’s apartment is like three blocks from here, so we’re just gonna walk with them. Is that cool?” He knew the answer would be yes.

“Jisung, you know my fucking feet hurt,” Seungmin whines, and Jisung is about to genuinely apologize until he sees that signature Seungmin smile, “Good thing I just took two shots! LMAO, guys, I can’t feel my feet anymore.” And with that, he leans against Felix (and smiles even bigger, which Jisung didn’t think was possible) “Onwards!”

They make it out the front door and are easily able to spot the group of Minjun and his friends.

The walk made Jisung wish he drank a lot less than he did. It’s not that it was hard for him to walk, unlike Seungmin who was literally leaning all of his weight on Felix, Jisung just knew he wasn’t able to think correctly anymore. His mind was saying everything and nothing all at once. He had about four DAY6 songs suck in his head at the same time. He also couldn’t stop checking his phone because once he’d see the time, he’d forget it a minute later and have to recheck.

“Waiting for a text from your boyfriend?” The voice came from his left, and it took him a solid second to realize someone was talking to him. He looks over and sees Minjun.

“Huh?”

“You keep checking your phone. I thought maybe your boyfriend was supposed to text you.”

“I actually don’t have a boyfriend right now?” Jisung responded confusedly. This is so random. _Why is Minjun so random._

“Sorry for assuming, you’re just so cute it’s hard to believe you’re single.” At that, Jisung finally realized Minjun is hitting on him. Apparently so did Hyunjin.

“Our little Sungie here has had many guys hit on him but never wanted to actually date anyone. Isn’t he weird?”

“Hyunjin stop calling me little, we’re literally the same height.”

“I’m actually two inches taller! You’re my Little Sungie and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

_Hyunjin is stupid._

Jisung could only blush at the name Hyunjin just called him, and he thought he heard a small “cute” come from his left. When he looked over, he saw Minjun smiling at him. Jisung shyly smiled back. The alcohol was making him feel great.

The way their house looked should have been the first reason to turn around and leave. It was dark and messy, with obviously no care at all. Dirty dishes were stacked in the sink and literal trash was everywhere, but for some reason Jisung had thought it was _cool_.

(Or perhaps he had heard Hyunjin say it was cool. Does it make a difference?)

They all sit down in the living room and pass small introductions. Apparently Minjun’s friends were named Joowon, Seojun, Cheolsu, and Jongseok. As if Jisung would even try to remember those names.

Hyunjin was seated next to Joowon, Jisung next to Minjun, Seungmin next to Felix, and the other three were together. The guy who Jisung thinks is probably Cheolsu pulls out a bong from seemingly nowhere, and begins to pack the bowl.

Somehow Felix mentions his older brother Chan, which sparks conversation because _oh yeah_ , Jisung remembers, _this weird group of people used to hang out with Chan hyung. Why are we with them again?_

Time does that weird thing again where it doesn’t make sense, and suddenly Jisung has a bong in his lap and Minjun is looking at him expectantly for the second time that night.

“Do you want me to light it for you?” Minjun asks, and Jisung can only nod.

He lightly presses his lips to the mouthpiece and waits for Minjun to spark the lighter. It ignites with a small _click._

As he’s breathing in the smoke, he sees Seungmin recording on his phone, probably for snapchat, and he tries his best to look cool when he blows it out. Sadly, his throat closes up and he ends up coughing a lot harder than he wanted to. This seems to make all of Minjun’s friends laugh, and Jisung shyly hands the bong to Minjun.

“I’ve never taken a hit that big before…” Jisung tries to defend himself, but belatedly realizes it probably made him sound lame and inexperienced. _Fuck, maybe I’m the stupid one._

The high hits Jisung almost instantly. In his already drunken state, he becomes more dizzy, lighter than before, and almost audibly laughs at the way it makes him feel. He has absolutely no idea what’s going on around him anymore because he’s so lost in his crossed haze.

There’s no way to tell how much time has passed, but he’s starting to hear a lot of keywords floating around. One of them being _threesome._

His first thought is Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin are doing something. In a group of four gays, of course there’s gonna be hookups, but Jisung had always felt like he was missing some sort of connection the other three had.

As he comes to his senses, he sees his friends going into a bedroom. Minjun asks Jisung if he wants to go too. Jisung nods his head.

Suddenly everyone is in the bedroom, and Jisung sees Felix undressing Seungmin. This throws up a huge red flag in Jisung’s mind, and he opens his mouth to say something, but then Hyunjin is walking up to him with the most handsome smile in the world and all Jisung can do is stare.

Hyunjin undresses himself first, and then works on getting Jisung’s clothes off. When he gets to his underwear, he sees Jisung hesitate for a second, and Hyunjin leans into Jisung’s space.

“Relax.” He whispers, and suddenly Jisung’s boxers are off and Hyunjin is kissing his neck.

He hears the other boys in the room make some comments, but all he can focus on his Hyunjin leading him backwards to the bed while still working on his neck. Jisung can’t lie, his weakness is neck kisses, and he’s pretty sure Hyunjin knows this too.

Hyunjin is stupid.

When the back of Jisung’s knees hit the bed, he falls backwards with a soft landing and enjoys the feeling of Hyunjin climbing on top of him. Jisung happens to glance to his left and sees Felix on top of Seungmin in basically the same position. Apparently Hyunjin likes what he sees too, because with one swift movement he’s off Jisung and on top of Seungmin as well. Jisung feels cold.

Minjun appears out of nowhere. Jisung guesses the sight of four naked guys on a bed was enough to make the whole crowd want a piece, because the other guys started undressing and talking about taking turns. Jisung was forced to tune out their words because he was now dealing with Minjun running his hands all over his body and pressing him down into the bed.

At this point, Jisung’s mind was so foggy he couldn’t even tell you what happened next.

He remembers cold hands spreading his legs apart. He remembers Minjun getting close, way too close. He remembers a dick sliding into his hole. No preparation at all. Jisung opens his mouth to scream, but no sound comes out. The pain is blinding and sends Jisung through another wave of dizziness. A little alarm goes off in his head saying _this guy’s dick is literally in your asshole and it’s not covered. Your 6th grade health teacher would be ASHAMED!_

He tries to get the words out, but it doesn't even matter because he can’t even _breathe,_ and suddenly Cheolsu is asking if he could have a turn.

Jisung starts to become a bit more self aware.

Cheolsu was a very rough person and Jisung was not enjoying it at all, but he was still drunk and high and Hyunjin was next to him making these obscene noises and for some reason he thought _if I were to get up and leave at this moment, everyone would hate me._ Ridiculous, right? But he kept going with it. _That’s what I’m good at; going with the flow._

Jisung was now getting beard burn on his face and was choking on Cheolsu’s tongue while his fingers moved into his hole, and at that moment, he felt suffocated.

He doesn't know what triggers it, but he pushes Cheolsu off. It’s a pathetic excuse of a push as he only manages to disconnect their mouths while everything else stays in tact, but Jisung could now _breathe_ and he was thankful for it. Cheolsu doesn’t really get the hint, because he moves down to kissing Jisung’s chest and literally biting his nipples. Jisung cries out at the feeling. It hurts so bad, Jisung pushes him again, this time a bit harder. “Don’t do that.” It comes out as a mumble.

All Cheolsu does is smirk at Jisung and push his dick inside of him. It hurt _so fucking much_ because he’s a considerable amount larger than Minjun, and Jisung isn’t even turned on, so the pain is just not welcomed nor wanted. Jisung pushes him again. “No.” It comes out a little louder this time, but Cheolsu doesn’t stop. Jisung gives up. He blinks back tears and thanks whoever’s out there that his body is mostly numb at this point.

No one in the room has picked up on Jisung’s discomfort—or worse, they don’t care—because when Cheolsu rolls off of him, Seojun thinks it’s his turn. It gives Jisung a second to collect his thoughts and he looks over to see Hyunjin being penetrated by two guys at the same time. Jisung looks back up to the ceiling.

_What the actual fuck is happening this is not what I wanted I need to get out now now now—_ but his thoughts are interrupted by Seojun touching him.

Jisung zones out.

He vaguely remember hands all over his body, touching him so hard he starts worrying about bruises. The next coherent memory is Hyunjin saying something about how him and Jisung have made out before, and the guys suddenly want them to kiss again.

He sits up with Hyunjin and kisses him.

He’s always had a little crush on Hyunjin. He’s extremely attractive and has a pretty good personality and can make you feel like the most important person in the world. Of course he was going to kiss him again. Things actually feel normal for a moment, like it’s just Jisung and Hyunjin in the room. Until he realizes the person who is now fingering him is _not_ _Hyunjin_ and is actually one of the fuck boys. Reality comes crashing down around him as he sees the guys pull Hyunjin back down and proceed to “Eiffel Tower” him.

Jisung can’t breathe. Minjun is on top of him again, and Jisung has finally had enough.

“No!” Jisung all but yells as he pushes Minjun as hard as he can, “Get off of me right now!”

“Calm down,” Minjun laughs. It makes Jisung feel stupid.

The fact that he’s laughing and acting like this is no big deal. The fact that he’s talking to Jisung as if he’s upset over a minor inconvenience instead of being upset over having sex. The way he makes Jisung feel is just so _worthless_ and _dumb_ that he ends up laughing and kissing Minjun as if he wants it.

Jisung goes along with it thinking it would make him feel better about the situation. It does not.

He has no idea who the fuck barges into the room, but he’s so thankful he doesn't even question it.

The mystery man starts yelling at everyone to _get the fuck out_ , and Jisung doesn’t need to be told twice. (Years later, after a difficult conversation with Chan, he’d come to realize that stranger was Chan’s long term boyfriend, Woojin.)

Everyone immediately jumps out of bed and starts putting on their clothes. Jisung’s legs are so numb it takes him several tries to get his pants on, but once they’re on, he blindly runs out of the house. He waits in the driveway for Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Felix. He doesn’t recognize where he is and the night would only get worse if he decided to wander around by himself.

When the three of them come outside, not followed by anyone else, Jisung _breathes_ for the first time in a while, and his mind goes blank.

Hyunjin and Felix are non stop talking about what just happened while Seungmin leads the way. Jisung’s behind them trying to think. Trying to find a single coherent thought in his mind. He finds nothing.

When they make it to Seungmin’s house, Jisung realizes how much he wishes he could be at his own house. But he’s smarter than that.He’s not smart enough to stop three guys from raping him, but he’s smart enough to make it seem like he wasn’t affected.

As they walk into the empty house, Jisung calls out, “I got dibs on shower! Someone spilled alcohol down my back at the party and I’ve been wanting to get it off all night,” and practically sprints up the stairs to Seungmin’s shower. He vaguely registers Seungmin and Hyunjin laughing as he closes the bathroom door.

Jisung makes the mistake of looking in the mirror.

He has blooming hickeys everywhere. Pulling off his shirt to get a better look, his throat clenches.

There are pink and purple marks starting to form all along his neck and collarbones, leading down to his chest and hips. He runs his hand over one of them and immediately flinches at the pain it brings.

His eyes water.

He realizes he’s bleeding when he takes his pants off. He doesn’t acknowledge it. Turning on the shower to the hottest setting, he gets in. Jisung tries to pretend like it’s a normal shower. He starts shampooing his hair, closing his eyes to prevent shampoo from burning them (not because he saw the light red water swirling around the drain).

When he’s reaching for the body wash, he stops. There’s a mark on his forearm that looks a lot like a handprint.

He breaks.

Jisung slides to the floor of the shower, muffling his sobs into his hands as he cries. Cries for himself. Cries for what he just want through. He lets the misery, fear, and pain overcome him as his body racks with his silent sobs. He realizes he can’t breathe a bit too late, and starts choking on his own throat. He blindly reaches out for the knob and shakily turns the water to freezing.

Jisung’s numb again.

When he finds his bearings again, he realizes he’s probably been in the shower for a bit too long. He turns the water off and reluctantly steps out of the shower. Avoiding the mirror completely, he wraps a towel around his waist and walks to Seungmin’s room. The boys are thankfully still downstairs, so Jisung is easily able locate the bag he brought over with clothes to sleep in. He pulls out the soft material of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

He winces as he’s pulling on his sweatshirt, realizing his whole body aches. He's ready for the pain that comes when he pulls on his sweatpants. He wishes he was still numb.

Jisung stuffs his bloody clothes in his bag and pretends everything is fine.

Everything is fine.

He goes downstairs to see his friends have set up the living room in their usual sleepover style: the tables and chairs are moved to the side with blankets and pillows all over the floor for four boys to sleep on. A movie is playing on the TV and the lights are off. Jisung quietly lays down, barely making a sound.

He hears Felix and Hyunjin whispering over the low volume of the movie, and he also hears Seungmin snore a little. Jisung figures he can just go to sleep, and when he wakes up it’ll be like this night had never happened.

Seungmin nudges Jisung in his sleep a little. Jisung flinches.

He ends up spending the whole night staring at the ceiling.


	2. Chapter 2

To put it lightly, Jisung is a mess.

The morning after that night had been pathetic as fuck. Jisung had gotten no sleep and his mind was still loud with silence. Seungmin was the first to wake up, immediately dragging his hungover self upstairs to shower. Jisung pretended to be asleep, but after Seungmin went upstairs he found himself walking into the kitchen for a glass of water.

As he’s leaning against Seungmin’s kitchen counter, glass of water in hand, he finds himself zoning out again. Thinking about how he wish he could just _think_.

A hand touches his shoulder. Jisung flinches. _Hard_.

The glass of water slips out of his hand and breaks loudly on the hardwood floor. Jisung doesn’t notice. All he can think about is the fact that someone just touched him and he doesn’t want to be touched anymore and suddenly he can’t breathe and he’s hearing a voice but it’s not making sense and _ohmygod I’m finally gonna die I knew it wasn’t over it’ll never be over please leave me alone pleasepleasepelase._

As his heartbeat starts to slow, he realizes he’s now on the ground and there’s a face in front of him. He flinches again as he feels another hand on him, but something in his mind is telling him to not be afraid of this hand. That’s when he notices the face in front of him belongs to Felix. He’s in Seungmin’s kitchen. Right.

Felix looks worried as fuck. Jisung finds that funny.

“Jisung, man come on you need to breathe slower. What the fuck is happening?” Hearing that, Jisung starts laughing.

Of course Felix has no idea what’s happening. Of course his friends wouldn’t understand what’s going on inside his mind. Of course Jisung is reacting the wrong way, and it’s funny as hell to his sleep deprived mind that no one has noticed yet.

Jisung feels wetness on his face, and he realizes his laughing had turned to sobbing.

He senses Felix moving to sit down next to him, and he tries not to flinch again as Felix gathers Jisung into his arms and lets him cry. Jisung grabs a fistful of Felix’s hoodie and clenches it tightly, hoping Felix’s arms can keep his mind from falling apart.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there. Felix keeps running his hand up and down Jisung’s back, and at first he hadn’t welcomed the feeling, but it slowly began to relax him. His breathing starts to even out and he sniffles. His eyes are closed. He doesn’t want to see Felix’s reaction right now.

“Sung… are you okay?”

The question is so deep. It’s _so deep_ Jisung almost laughs again, but he doesn’t have the energy. He can barely even muster enough strength to pathetically nod because yes, Jisung is okay. Jisung is okay if it means he won’t have to talk about what the fuck just happened.

He hears footsteps and a gasp and he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know it’s Hyunjin who just walked in on this mess.

“Jesus christ, what the fuck, why is there glass on the floor? Sung are you crying? Are you hurt? Oh my god Felix, what’s happening?”

In Hyunjin’s defense, he does sound genuinely worried. But Jisung’s in no state of mind to empathize with his friend right now. He gathers his thoughts for a moment. _I’m not the weak friend. They can’t know what’s going on in my mind right now. I can act this out, I didn’t have that theater phase in middle school for nothing._

Jisung sniffles again and stands up. “Yeah,” he clears his throat when he hears how scratchy it sounds, “I’m good. Just dropped a cup of water and felt bad about the broken glass. I hope I didn’t dent the hardwood. Seungmin’s mom would be pissed.” He laughs as normally as he can, and steps around Hyunjin to find a broom, purposely not looking anyone in the eye.

The silence that follows tells Jisung that Felix and Hyunjin are probably silently communicating through eye contact like they always do.

Jisung grabs the broom and the dustpan and starts cleaning up. Well, he tries to clean up. His hands are shaking too hard for him to actually get any pieces of glass into the pan. He doesn’t give up until he feels Hyunjin put his hands on top of Jisung’s, stopping his movements.

“Let me do it.” Hyunjin says, in the softest tone Jisung has ever heard from him. It makes another tear escape his left eye, but he’s quick to wipe it away. He steps back and lets Hyunjin clean up his mess.

Jisung feels eyes on him as he looks to Felix, and sees him looking at his neck.

_The hickeys._

Instinctively, Jisung shrinks into his hoodie, trying to hide as much skin as possible. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because Jisung can see the gears working behind Felix’s eyes.

“Jisung,” Felix starts, and Jisung knows he’s going to hate what’s about to come out of his mouth, “is this about last night?” He looks so concerned. “What did those guys do to you?”

Jisung visibly shudders. He tries to breathe evenly but can’t help when an inhale or two gets caught and comes out shakily. A picture of Minjun on top of him flashes through his mind, and he shakes his head a little as if to knock it out of his thoughts. “What do you mean, Lixie?”

The nickname was supposed to make it sound normal, but his panicked tone gave him away. At the sound of his voice, Hyunjin’s head snaps up to look at Jisung too.

Jisung feels trapped.

“Last night, I was so drunk and high,” Felix continues, “I don’t even remember it clearly, but I was so focused on what I was doing that I have no idea what you were doing.” He pauses a little and looks as if he’s trying really hard to recall his memories. “Did you have sex with anyone?”

Jisung’s eyes meet Hyunjin’s. They both know he did. Jisung wants to deny it so badly but he would literally be lying in front of a witness. Now that he thinks about it, Jisung has no idea where Seungmin and Felix went. All he remembers being in the room is Hyunjin and the five guys that were supposed to be cool. When did they leave? Why did they leave? _Why didn’t they take me with them?_

Jisung takes a deep breath. His mind and heart are both racing, almost as if they’re in a competition to see which one can run faster. His stomach churns and his throat clenches. When did he start sweating?

“I,” he starts shakily, “I did. H-have sex. With Minjun. And Cheolsu. And Seojun.” He looks down, not believing he just said that out loud. He sounds like such a fucking _slut_ , losing his virginity to three guys at once. Tears start prickling in his eyes and he bites his lip.

“What?!” Felix exclaims in disbelief. “All three of them?”

Jisung knew how it sounded. _He must think I’m the biggest whore on the planet right now jesus christ._

“Yeah, actually,” Hyunjin speaks up, “I had sex with them too… as well as Jongseok.” He smiles like he’s proud of it. Like it’s an accomplishment. Jisung’s stomach churns some more.

Felix’s jaw literally drops. “So there was, like, a whole six-some happening? An orgy? You guys had an orgy?!”

Seungmin chooses this moment to walk into the kitchen, hair dripping from the shower he just took. “Yo what? Who had an orgy? That’s awesome!”

Hyunjin’s smile turns into a full on grin as he turns to face Seungmin. “Yeah, last night at Minjun’s, Sung and I took part in a six-some. It was honestly the best thing I’ve ever done, I don’t think I’ve ever had that many orgasms in the span of 45 minutes.”

“That’s because the only action you ever get is your hand.”

“Not anymore!”

Felix’s eyes are still on Jisung. Jisungs’s eyes are still on the floor. A text tone goes off in the living room. Jisung flinches. Felix sees.

“Sungie, that sounded like your phone.” Seungmin says as he turns to face Jisung for the first time this morning. His face morphs from his classic bright smile into a look of confusion. “Woah, Jisung, are you alright?”

Jisung’s already tired of that question. He clears his throat, “Super hungover. I’m gonna go check my phone.” and with that, Jisung walks out of the kitchen and into the living room.

His hands are still shaking as he picks up his phone and he forces himself to breathe. He unlocks his phone and opens the message when he sees it’s from his mom.

_I know it’s summer, but you promised me that you’d start looking for a job this week. Please come home soon._

Fuck. Jisung almost forgot he’s a real person with real responsibilities.

He considers for a second, what it would be like if he went to his mother and told her he was raped. Not only would he have to come out to her, he’d also have to explain why he was high and drunk. It takes no longer for him to decide not to tell her.

_don't worry i’ll be home soon!_

He checks the time and realizes they almost slept until noon. Deciding to just leave, Jisung quickly runs upstairs to Seungmin’s room to grab his bag. He almost avoids all mirrors until deciding to check his appearance, just to see what his friends saw.

Dark bruised bags under his eyes. Disheveled hair sticking up in all the wrong places. Hickeys so vibrant they almost look painted on. _Holy fuck how am I going to hide those from my mom._

Pulling his sweatshirt up higher, he discovers he can hide his whole neck if he stands a certain way. Not having enough energy to find a better solution, he grabs his bag and heads downstairs.

As he’s walking to the kitchen, he hears soft conversation, but as soon as he steps into the room the talking stops and all eyes are on him. Jisung swallows and tightens his hold on his bag.

“Hey guys my mom needs me to come home now so I’m gonna get going…” He doesn’t really know what else to say.

“Bye Jisungie! Text me later, okay?” Felix says this with a look in his eyes Jisung’s never seen before. Seungmin’s looking down at his hands while Hyunjin’s eyes are on the floor. _What the fuck._

“Of course, Lixie,” Jisung turns around, “Bye guys.”

He walks out Seungmin’s front door into the sweltering heat of summer. It should be uncomfortable with the heavy clothing he has on, but it doesn’t even phase him. Grabbing his keys from inside his bag, he unlocks his car and gets in.

Jisung sits there for a moment. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath like he’s already done so many times today. 

He drives home in silence. Something he’s never done before, always having some type of music playing. Sitting is becoming uncomfortable, with his whole body aching and his asshole sore as hell. The discomfort is starting to make him angry. In fact, Jisung is pissed as fuck.

He pulls up to his apartment complex and slams his car door closed. All he can think about is how unfair his life just became. _I don’t deserve this, I’m a good kid! I’ve never done anything bad in my life ever and the one night I step out of my comfort zone I get fucking gang banged without my consent and now I have to hide everything from everyone and I really don’t fucking deserve this!_

Jisung makes his way into the complex and almost breaks the elevator button with how hard he presses it. He shakes his leg as he waits for the doors to open, impatient with rage. When they finally open, he marches in and hits the small _8,_ watching it light up as he falls against the wall.

The higher the elevator gets, the angrier Jisung becomes. By the time the doors open on floor eight, he’s literally shaking with anger. Pulling up his hoodie because he knows he’s about to face his mom, he walks down the hallway and unlocks their door.

“Mom, I’m home!” He says loudly, not having to raise his voice that high to reach all corners of their small apartment.

“Hey honey, how was Seungmin’s?” His mom responds, walking out of her room. She barely even looks at him as she walks into the kitchen and starts opening their mail. It’s just a normal day for her. _I wonder when my next normal day will be._

He tries to keep the venom out of his voice when he replies, “Seungmin’s was fun, same as always. It’s pretty hot outside so I’m gonna shower before I start job hunting.” He doesn’t even wait for a response before he’s out of her sight and into his room.

He throws his bag at the foot of his bed and collapses onto his comforter. He lays there for a while, staring at his ceiling, letting it all sink in. He’s ready for a stronger wave of anger to hit him, but nothing comes. It actually fades away. He’s back to feeling nothing.

Jisung checks his phone and sees he has a snapchat from Hyunjin (probably their daily streak), a text from Felix, and a new follower request on instagram. Not wanting to respond to anyone, he opens the instagram notification.

Minjun’s face appears.

It seems Minjun somehow found Jisung’s account and requested to follow him. His mind goes blank at the sight of Minjun. He taps the delete option next to his name and tries to ignore the fact that he suddenly feels dirty.

He can’t ignore it.

Jisung quickly hops in the shower, turning the knob all the way to hot like he had done the night before, and scrubs his entire body.

It’s not helping. He scrubs harder.

Suddenly all of his anger comes back full force and Jisung almost rips his flesh off as he rubs and rubs and rubs and _why isn’t this helping maybe I need new soap maybe I need new friends_ and he audibly cries out as his arms start to burn.

He stands there under the spray. He knows it’s hot but he still feels cold. His legs are shaking.

When he gets out of the shower the mirror is thankfully fogged up so he doesn’t have to pretend like he’s avoiding it. He throws on baggy jeans and a long sleeved shirt. He can’t show the bruises.

Thankfully, Jisung has long since mastered the art of color correcting. Sleepless nights where he stayed up until dawn trying to perfect the same beat left him with dark under eye bags countless times. He takes one look at his hickeys and curses the fact that he’ll probably need to buy more after this.

He’s numb as he paints his neck, trying not to flinch at the pain that feels so much deeper than just his skin. He pretends like his neck is a canvas not on himself. He’s just covering some spots. Has nothing to do with him.

As he’s fixing his hair, he thinks about what jobs to apply for. There are a few places within walking distance, one of them being Starbucks. Jisung’s always loved the atmosphere of the Starbucks café, but has never had enough money to actually spend on one of their overpriced drinks. Maybe if he works there he can get an employee discount.

So he applies. First online, because he knows that’s how it works these days. He also knows that if you want your online application to actually be reviewed, you need to go in person. He grabs his phone and keys and slides his shoes on without even telling his mom where he’s going. It’s right down the street and around the corner. He’ll probably be back before she even notices he’s gone.

As he's walking there he tries to compartmentalize. Yes, he’s currently a wreck emotionally and lowkey physically, but he needs to act somewhat professional to score this job. _Hi, I’m Jisung and I applied online and I was wondering what the status of my application is?_ Perfect.

He walks through the door and is immediately hit with the smell of freshly ground coffee. It’s pretty busy, considering it’s around 2pm on a summer day, so Jisung gets in line for the cash register. When he makes it up front, he’s greeted with a blindingly huge smile and a loud “Good afternoon, what can we get for you?” from a guy who’s name tag says I.N.

“Hi, u-um I was actually wondering if I could speak to the manager? I applied online and w-“ He’s cut off with the boy holding up his hand.

“Our manager isn’t in today, he only works weekdays.” _Oh shit is today Saturday?_ “If you’d like, I can take down your name and number and make sure he contacts you?” He then grabs a sharpie and a pastry bag and slides them to Jisung. “Just write anywhere.”

Jisung’s hands shake a little as he starts writing his information, aware that there’s a line behind him and he’s holding things up. He triple checks to make sure he wrote his number correctly and then gives the sharpie and pastry bag back to _I.N,_ who smiles at him like he just handed him a million dollars in cash.

“Thanks! I’ll be sure to leave this in a place where he’ll see it, and I’ll even text him about it to make sure he knows it’s there,” the boy says with such genuine kindness and happiness in his voice it actually hurts Jisung just a little bit.

“Ah, thank you so much. That’s really nice of you.” Jisung says, bowing a little to show his gratitude.

“No problem, Jisung! I hope we’ll be working together soon. Have a nice day!” With one last blinding smile from the boy, Jisung moves on and the next customer steps up.

As he's walking home he thinks about how easy that just was. He also thinks about how he hasn’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and it’s no wonder he’s starting to feel really weak and tired.

After walking through his door, he makes a beeline for his room but is stopped by his mother.

“Did you get a job that fast?”

“Sort of, the manager needs to contact me about setting up an interview.” It’s a small lie, but he’s too exhausted and wants to keep this conversation as short as possible.

“Oh, sweetie, that’s great! Where will you be working?”

“The Starbucks around the corner.”

“Ah! That sounds like such a perfect job for you now that I think about it. I hope things go smoothly from here on out.” God he loves his mother.

“Thanks mom. I’ll be in my room.”

He quickly changes into sweatpants and hops into bed. Out of habit, he checks his phone and realizes he never responded to Hyunjin or Felix. He doesn’t want to respond. He just wants to sleep.

As soon as he closes his eyes, he’s out.


	3. Chapter 3

Life goes on.

Jisung gets the job at Starbucks. Right off the bat he starts working, 40 hours a week, deciding a distraction is what he needs. He wakes up every morning at 4am to open at 5am, and works until 1:30pm. Then he goes home and sleeps, just to wake up around 10pm. He showers and does his chores, and tries to eat something. That’s one thing he doesn’t really do much of these days. Eat.

Falling into this schedule is kind of easy for him. Working eight and a half hours every day makes him tired enough to be able to sleep long hours. He also sleeps through the days he has off. He’s always either working or sleeping, and that’s the perfect routine for Jisung because there’s no time for thinking. Or at least there _wasn’t._

It’s a month after _that night_ when he experiences his first nightmare.

He goes to sleep a bit later than usual that day because he’d offered to pick up groceries from the store for his mother. When he does get home, it’s a bit past 5pm, which is a lot past Jisung’s usual 3pm bedtime.

Falling into a deep sleep is no trouble for him. He doesn’t usually dream about anything important, rarely ever remembering anything other than a flash of a childhood memory.

His nightmare starts off like this.

_He’s in a room with Hyunjin. The walls and the ceiling are painted a blinding white. They’re facing each other, conversing about god knows what. It’s comfortable, familiar, but then Hyunjin’s eyes suddenly move to something behind Jisung and his face morphs to fear. It’s an expression he's only seen on Hyunjin’s face about once or twice in his life. It freaks Jisung the fuck out._

_Before he even has a chance to turn around, a hand clutches onto his waist with an iron grip, pulling him backwards. He tries to scream to Hyunjin for help, but Hyunjin is only concerned about saving himself._

_The grip on him is getting tighter and Jisung starts to panic. Suddenly, the room turns to black as if a lightswitch had been turned off. His vision is bathed in darkness and now he can’t see a thing. The only sense he’s relying on is touch, but all he feels is pain radiating from the bruising grip the hand has on him._

_His back thumps against what feels like someone’s chest. There’s shallow breathing on his neck. It makes him sweat and shiver at the same time._

_“Jisung.”_

Jisungs’s never woken up so fast in his life. He opens his eyes but all he’s greeted with is darkness and he’s not even sure if he’s away from that man. _His voice sounded just like Minjun’s._

Jisung is full on hyperventilating now, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess in his brain. _It was just a dream_ he tries to tell himself, but it doesn’t help when he’s reminded that it actually wasn’t a dream, and he actually was raped. By multiple people.

That night is the first night Jisung cries since the day after the incident.

It’s around 2am when he finally settles down and is able to think properly. He knows going back to sleep now would just be redundant, so he opts for killing time to distract himself before his 5am shift. He throws on a funny kdrama that he hardly tries to follow, but it makes him laugh anyway. During a lull in the show, he opens his phone, something he doesn’t really make much use of these days. His inbox is full of messages from Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Felix.

He hasn’t talked to them in a month.

He’s not mad at them or anything, he just didn’t know how to face them again. He knows it’s pathetic but he’s hoping they’ll buy the _I started a new job and I just didn’t have any time_ excuse. He’s surprised they haven’t figured out he’s working at the Starbucks around the corner from his house. Maybe they didn’t even try to look for him.

Their group chat is barely active, which leads him to believe that they’ve created a different one without him. Of course they did.

Deciding it’s about time to get ready for work, he slides under the hot spray of the shower, mind occupied with thoughts on the shift to come.

As he’s getting ready he tries his best to look at least presentable. It isn't like he’s trying to impress anyone, god knows he’s _not_ looking for a relationship. He just likes to look his best on the days when he sees the most people.

He wears dark tightly fitting jeans, the ones that _don’t_ have holes in the knees because that’s against dress code. His manager, Jinyoung, had thrown a fit the first week that Jisung had forgotten. He opts for simplicity, a white polo with a black and blue flannel over it.

He leaves around 4:50 because it’s about a ten minute walk and no one is ever there before the required 5am. The morning walk is what he enjoys the most. There’s usually no one on the streets at all, and the sun is just barely kissing the skyline, bleeding a warm orange over the sky. It’s comfortable, creating a sweet, still atmosphere Jisung find himself savoring.

“Good morning, welcome to Starbucks, what can we get for you today?”

It’s around 10am now, and Jisung has just been moved from the front register to drive thru, which isn’t very different except for the fact that he has to wear a headset and talk to people through a speaker. He honestly prefers it.

“I need a quad grande iced americano. Black.” The customer says, voice flat and void of any semblance of human emotion.

One thing Jisung has grown to hate is the way customers always treat barista’s like they’re robots made specifically for fetching their coffee.

“Anything else today, sir?” Jisung politely asks, but his words go ignored as the customer pulls away from the menu.

His day continues like this. One lady demands that her drink be made at 183 degrees Fahrenheit, but nothing particularly eventful happens after that though. Later, he wonders how she’d know if they had made it at 182 degrees.

When he finally clocks out, the time reads 1:35pm. He had to wait for Jeongin to arrive and takeover the shift Jisung was working. Jeongin ended up arriving a couple minutes late anyways, which is no big deal to Jisung. He finds he actually enjoys spending more time with his coworkers. Listening to Changbin and Yugyeom bicker over the headsets has to be his highlight of the day.

He says his goodbyes to his new friends and heads out the front door, apron and hat in hand. He feels a lot more exhausted than usual, probably because of the rough night he had.

As he’s opening the door, it comes in contact with something that sounds pretty solid, and it takes Jisung a whole second to realize he just hit someone with the door.

Holy shit. He just hit someone with the door.Hard.

He takes one look at the victim and immediately starts saying his prayers because the person is _on the ground_ , and he doesn’t need a national scandal where Starbucks gets sued because a barista assaulted a customer with a door.

“Oh my god, sir, I am so sorry! Are you okay?” He crouches down next to the person, looking for any signs of injury or dropped items.

The poor guy is holding his head with, face contorted in pain. _Fuck he’s kinda cute FUCK now is not the time Jisung help him you literal idiot!!_

The guy hasn’t responded to Jisung, so he puts his hand on the guy’s shoulder and tries to help him sit upright. It works, and the guy is able to shake his head a bit and open his eyes.

Now that Jisung can see him up close he realizes that the boy _is_ cute. Like shockingly cute. Maybe even _hot_. His eyes are impossibly big, framed by curving eyelashes and sharp cheekbones.

The guy’s lips pop open in an audible gasp. “Angel.” The boy breathes out, eyes wide, and Jisung is taken aback.

Did this guy just call him an angel? Does he have a concussion? What the fuck?

“Um,” Jisung cleverly replies, not knowing how to proceed, “Is your head okay, sir? Do you need me to take you to the emergency room? The hospital is a couple blocks that way-”

“Holy shit, no, sorry, I’m alright,” The guy stammers out, blinking about twenty times. “That _reallyfuckinghurt_ but I’m okay now. I guess I was just disoriented for a sec...”

Jisung thinks he sees a blush appearing on the guys cheeks. The word cute passes through his mind again. He realizes they’re still on the ground. “Here, let me help you up.” He stands and reaches his hand out, which the stranger takes without hesitation, letting Jisung pull him to his feet.

“Thank you.” The boy tells him, nervously biting at his lip.

“Why are you thanking me? I literally just hit you with a door, I should be thanking you for not going to my manager and getting me fired.”

The guy’s eyes flit down to his apron in Jisung’s hand, and then back up to his eyes. “You work here? Is that why you were calling me sir?”

“Yeah, force of habit I guess. Sorry about that…”

“No, it’s cool, don’t worry about it.” The cute boy sucks in a breath and looks sheepishly at the ground. “It’s not as bad as calling the cute guy who just hit you with a door an angel.” That’s when he laughs, and Jisung notes that it’s a beautiful sound. Bubbly and sweet. His blush is back, and it’s Jisung’s turn to blush as well after realizing the guy just called him cute.

“Are you sure your head is okay?” Jisung asks again, belatedly realizing how rude it may have sounded. He opens his mouth to clarify but the stranger just laughs even harder, and he gets distracted by the sweet hiccupy sound and how cute the guy’s full body laugh is. _His eyes are so cute like that what the hell._

The boy has the good grace to look embarrassed now. “This is so humiliating. I promise I’m fine. I should probably uh… go though. My boss is going to kill me if I don’t get his coffee, so…”

At the stranger’s words Jisung realizes he’s still standing in the doorway, blocking the entrance. “Oh yeah!” Jisung coughs out. He’s almost worried that his face is going to literally catch on fire at this point. Jisung then steps to the side awkwardly and lets the boy brush past him with a heart stopping smile. “Have a nice day!” he squeaks out, his customer service skills kicking in. He immediately winces and internally curses himself for probably sounding like a idiot.

Jisung replays that interaction in his head about a hundred times on his way home. He thinks about the guy’s smile and his laugh, and the way his eyes seemed so bright despite being knocked to the ground by a stranger.

For some reason, thinking about him makes Jisung happy. Maybe the situation is just really funny. Or maybe that guy is just really cute.

Part of him wishes he knew the guy’s name, but he decides it’s better if he doesn’t make any sort of relationship with anyone. Even his coworkers only have his number for shift covering purposes only. Sure, the guy was cute and all, but life goes on. He’ll always just be a cute stranger.

When he gets home, he immediately showers, washing off the smell of coffee that has no doubt accumulated throughout the day.He tucks himself into bed, just like any other day, and expects to fall asleep with ease. Only sleep doesn’t come.

The nightmares continue to haunt him.


	4. Chapter 4

_It’s a sweet chaos 니가 등장하면서부터 내 삶과 꿈 미래 그 모든 게 바뀌어_

Jisung rolls over with an annoyed groan, almost breaking his phone in his haste to shut his alarm off. It feels as if he had only fallen asleep mere moments before it woke him up. Just his luck.

He sits up lazily, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He’s confused for a second as to why he’s being woken up at 7am instead of his usual 4am for work, when dread fills his stomach.

It’s his first day of senior year.

He groans again, this time with a renewed passion. Everything he’s been ignoring this summer is about to come to head. He knows continuing to ignore Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin would be virtually impossible since they intentionally signed up for the same classes as each other at the end of junior year. _What the fuck am I gonna say to them?_

He gets ready for school the way one would get ready for war, quiet and solemn. He experiences that numb feeling he’s grown used to ever since that night. Pulling out his school uniform, he finally comes to terms with the fact that yes, he’s going to do this. He’s determined to get through this one day.

As he walks into the kitchen, he notices his mom hasn’t gotten up for work yet. He hasn’t really seen a lot of her lately. Even though they both live together, their work schedules all summer were basically polar opposites. There were times when they were able to share the occasional meal with each other, catching up hastily, but it was nothing like life before Jisung started working.

He wonders if she noticed him change. Even he can definitely pinpoint the differences in his personality since that night. These days, it’s rare if he experiences any emotion other than the numbness that’s constantly drowning him. Never has he kept to himself more than now. Does she notice? Can she tell her son is slowly fading away?

He opens the fridge and grabs a water bottle, taking a swig of it before looking at the time. It’s 7:30 now. He needs to be in homeroom by 8am sharp. One thing his school is big on is attendance, only allowing students to be late a few times before handing out detentions. Needless to say, every year Jisung has taken arriving on time very seriously.

He considers being late today.

For some reason, the very thought of seeing his three friends again is making his heart race and his hands shake. Would they be mad at him for ignoring them? Would they demand an explanation? Would they act like everything is normal? All these possibilities have his head spinning.

Jisung sighs and drags his feet as he makes his way to his room to get his school bag, something he hasn’t touched in months. It’s a 20 minute walk to school, so if he doesn’t leave now he definitely won’t get there in time. Sadly, the one car they have is reserved for his mom to get to work. What he wouldn’t give to have his own car.

He puts in his earphones and drowning out the walk to school with some random EXO playlist on shuffle.

The atmosphere of his school has always been really calming to Jisung. Walking through the front doors almost brings a smile to his face. Of course he’s keeping an eye out for his friends, but he continues listening to music while walking through the hallways. He doesn’t stop by his locker, not needing to put anything in it or get anything for the first day, so he makes his way to his homeroom. The homeroom he shares with his friends. His hands are shaking again, but he ignores it, swallowing down the nausea.

He keeps his head down and beelines straight to his usual seat. Trying not to make it obvious, he looks around for his friends, and can’t help the sigh of relief that escapes him when he notices none of them are there yet. Turning his music louder, he folds his arms onto his desk and puts his head down. Anyone who looked at him would say his position screams _don’t talk to me._

Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin don’t get the hint.

Jisung knew they’d arrive together. From the tiniest bit of social media he’d seen that summer, he noticed they had become a lot closer. A part of Jisung is bitter at how easily they left him behind, but he can’t deny how happy they seemed. The decision to keep his distance was proved a good one in his mind.

He’s listening to the blessed vocals in _El Dorado_ when he feels a hand on his back. He flinches, of course. He fucking hates how easy it is for him to flinch these days.

Pulling out one of his earphones, he finds himself looking up into the eyes of Seungmin, who still has his hand on Jisung’s back. He doesn’t appear much different since the last time they saw each other. Maybe Seungmin’s a little more tan, but his hair looks freshly cut and he’s wearing that classic eye smile.

“Hey, Sungie!” Seungmin says, but it’s not the usual tone they’d use with each other. It’s too polite. _Huh_ , Jisung thinks, _so they have noticed I was ignoring them._

“Hey, Seungmin!” Jisung replies, with a soft smile that’s meant to convey _I’m not mad at you please don’t think I’m mad at you._ Movement behind Seungmin catches Jisung’s eye and he sees Hyunjin and Felix standing there as well, quietly talking to each other.“Hey guys, how’ve you been?” He directs the question towards the two, hoping they can all have a normal conversation and Jisung can finally stop stressing over this. As long as no one brings up _that night_ he’ll be fine.

“How’ve we _been_?!” Felix starts, and it makes Jisung’s heart race for a second, knowing he’s about to get called out. “We literally haven’t talked in months and the first thing you ask is ‘how’ve you been’ like we’re your weird Aunts that you only see during the holidays? I wanna know what the fuck you’ve been up to that’s made texting us back so impossible!” Felix says this with a hint of a smile on his face, so at least he’s not actually mad at Jisung, but everything he said made a really good point.

Jisung pauses his music and takes his other earphone out, turning in his seat to face all three of them. They’re all looking at him so expectantly it’s making him feel like he’s center stage of a one man show. He takes a deep breath. “I got a job! I was working at Starbucks literally full time, I barely had enough time to do chores for my mom.” 

At the mention of his mom, he watches sympathy flash in Seungmin and Felix’s eyes. He recalls sharing the hardships of living with his single mom to those two a couple years ago when the divorce was still fresh. Hyunjin wasn’t really their friend back then.

“So you couldn’t take one second to respond? You broke our snapchat streak!” Hyunjin nearly shouts. “I literally thought you died at one point until I saw you liking idols’ pictures on instagram.” His voice gets softer as he frowns. “We made so many summer plans together, Sung. If you didn’t want to hang out with us you could have just told us.”

Hyunjin sounded genuinely hurt, and that’s when Jisung realized how badly he fucked up.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to hang out with you guys, I really was busy! I’m sorry it seemed that way. I- I honestly didn’t think you guys would miss me that much.” Jisung bows his head slightly, trying to show how sorry he actually is. He feels like he’s being scolded by an adult rather than his best friend.

“Why wouldn’t we miss you?” Hyunjin asks, a confused look on his face. “We’re friends, Jisungie. The friend group isn’t the same when it’s just us three. There’s no one to balance out how lame they are.” He says with a fond smile directed at Seungmin and Felix.

Seungmin rolls his eyes while Felix pushes Hyunjin’s shoulder with a soft _shut up, dick_ and maybe things haven’t really changed all that much.

“Do you wanna come over after school?” Seungmin asks. ”We’re all gonna hang out, and you should join us this time.” It almost sounds like he’s trying to coax an animal out of its cage. Jisung wonders just how much Seungmin knows.

Their homeroom teacher starts getting the students’ attention, so he nods at Seungmin with another small smile and turns to face the front. _Everything’s cool between us now._ He feels a weight lifted off his shoulders and his hands are steady for the first time that day.

Felix sits beside him while Seungmin sits behind Jisung, next to Hyunjin. Just like they do every year.

He catches Felix giving Seungmin a look. It’s a look that makes Jisung feel like he missed something. Something important. No one says anything though, so he goes back to pretending like everything’s cool.

Jisung’s schedule for senior year goes like this: He has math first period, _gross_ , which he shares with Seungmin so he supposes it’ll be okay. Second period is Photography III while his friends all go to Public Speaking. He definitely didn’t draw the short stick there. His third period is AP Gov because history has always been Jisung’s strongest subject, as well as Felix’s, so they gladly get to share that class together. All three of them have Physics fourth period, which leads right into lunch, which then leads into Gym. Sixth period they all part ways to go to separate Language Arts classes. Their last and final period of the day is a study hall, which means they can just leave because they’re seniors. It’s probably the best class schedule Jisung has ever gotten in his whole high school career.

The bell rings to signal the end of homeroom, and everyone shuffles out into the hallway. Jisung and Seungmin head to their first period after parting from Hyunjin and Felix. He notices Seungmin looks a little sad from leaving their two friends and feels the tiniest bit offended.

Of course he doesn’t want to be alone with just me. I’m not nearly as fun as those two.

They get assigned seats which puts Jisung and Seungmin next to each other, thankfully. Seungmin high fives him with a _thank god she used a random generator and didn’t just seat us by our last names, remind me to buy her an apple or something_ and Jisung genuinely laughs for the first time that day.

After getting their syllabi and listening to the teacher drone on about how many tests they’ll be given this year, first period ends and Jisung find himself walking to his photography class alone.

Photography has always been a main hobby for Jisung. Ever since he was little and first discovered what a camera was, he’d been taking pictures. At first, he was just fascinated with the idea of capturing a moment in time permanently. He would take pictures of anything and everything. There was something special about immortalizing the ambience of a moment. It made him happy. Genuinely happy.

After taking the first two levels of photography his school had to offer (which is a joke, by the way, because the teacher has probably never taken a picture in her life and all the students take the course just to get easy credits) he feels he has somewhat of a unique approach to photography.

He goes into his Photography III class with the lowest of expectations. Bullshit teacher, bullshit classmates, and bullshit assignments. At least he’ll be doing something he enjoys.

Walking in, he recognizes no one. There are maybe a couple students he’s met before in passing, but no one worth sitting next to, so he takes the back corner and plays a game on his phone until the class begins. He’s about to break his record in _Rider_ when someone sits down next to him and kills him instantly.

Letting out a soft “Fuck.” he drops his phone on the desk and puts his head in his hands. _Really, universe? You couldn’t even let me win a fucking game? Are you trying to take away_ all _of my hopes and dreams?_

He hears the guy next to him snicker, which isn’t unexpected. Jisung knows how dramatic he gets and how funny it probably looks to outsiders. He lifts his head to give the guy who _fucking killed him, god damnit_ a piece of his mind when familiar cheekbones leave his breath caught in his throat.

Holy shit. “Holy shit.”

Jisung doesn’t even care that he just said that out loud. He honestly never thought he’d see The Cute Guy He Hit With A Door That One Time ever again.

He watches the recognition make its way into the boy's eyes and they widen, becoming impossibly big on his face. It’s cute. 

“Aren’t you the guy who knocked me onto my ass outside a Starbucks once?” Cute Guy asks with a disbelieving pitch in his voice.

“Aren’t you the guy who called me an angel outside a Starbucks once?” Jisung fires back, suddenly feeling defensive. He already apologized to the guy after the incident, he has no right to make Jisung feel guilty again.

Cute Guy seems to be rendered speechless, he obviously was not expecting Jisung to say that, if the blush rising on his cheeks means anything. _Fuck I forgot how cute he actually was._ Jisung makes it his personal goal to keep seeing that blush.

“I- I tried to go back. Like, once a week I would stop by that Starbucks looking for you but I never saw you. Didn’t you say you worked there?” Cute Guy says this while looking at his hands, his desk, literally anywhere other than Jisung’s eyes. His lips are curved into a subtle pout. So fucking cute.

“I only work mornings. Well, I only _worked_ mornings. Obviously my schedule changed with school and all, but yeah. Unless you were there between 5am and 1:30pm, that’s probably why you never saw me.” Jisung tells him slowly, trying to process the fact that Cute Guy was looking for him. A billion questions of _what how why_ are flying through his mind.

Cute Guy makes a small noise of understanding, a little frown on his face.

Jisung continues, “Did you ever try to ask for me? I’m sure one of my coworkers could have told you that and saved your wallet some trouble.”

“No, actually.” Cute Guy brings his hand to rub sheepishly at his neck. Jisung’s eyes follow the movement and it’s just so endearing. “I don’t know your name and was too embarrassed to try to describe you.” He laughs in an almost self deprecating way.

“Well, I’m sure if you just asked for the angel everyone would have known who you were talking about.” Jisung says teasingly, and mentally cheers when Cute Guy’s face flares up with another blush.

“Ugh, will you please drop that? This is so embarrassing!” Cute Guy brings his hands up to cover his face as if Jisung hadn’t already been aware of the blushing. Jisung can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of him. This is too easy.

“Fine, I’m sorry! I really am! For hitting you with a door and for teasing you. I’m sure there’s only so much you can take. Here,” he holds out his hand, “my name is Jisung. Nice to meet you.”

The other stares at his hand for a second, before laughing it off and completing the handshake. “Hi, my name is Minho. Nice to meet you, Jisung.”

Minho. _Minho_. Why does that name seem to fit him perfectly? Why does Jisung’s name sound so perfect in Minho’s mouth? Jisung can’t help his own blush from appearing after their handshake.

The bullshit teacher arrives and starts “teaching”, but Jisung couldn’t pay attention if he tried. What are the odds of him and Minho being in the same class? He didn’t even know they went to the same school. He can’t help the no less than obvious glances towards Minho all throughout the period, but he loves the fact that he notices Minho doing the same thing.

They have a little bit of free time at the end of the class and end up talking a lot more. Jisung learns that Minho is actually a year older than him, but had to retake his senior year because he moved from a dance school in Gimpo, and his credits weren’t fit for the university he was trying to attend. He also learns that Minho is super interested in music. Like super interested. He’s in the middle of telling Jisung his dream of making it as a dancer when the bell rings.

Minho asks Jisung for his phone number. Jisung puts in his number under _Angel_.

The rest of the day goes by pretty smoothly. Jisung, Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin are successfully able to claim their lunch table for the fourth consecutive year.

Usually, Jisung would pack a lunch, because their cafeteria food went beyond the stereotype of gross. Felix once dared Jisung to eat the "wednesday special" in freshman year, and Jisung literally had to be sent home from projectile vomiting all over the hallway. Never again.

Jisung guesses the reason he forgot to pack a lunch today was because of how jumbled his mind was this morning. He doesn’t really care though. Hunger isn’t really something he feels anymore. He makes it halfway through lunch before someone notices. Felix, observant as ever, calls him out, which makes Hyunjin and Seungmin pause their argument over what topics to do for their public speaking assignment.

“Sungie, where’s your food?” Felix asks with a bit curiosity on his face.

“Oh, I forgot to pack something this morning, but it’s okay because I had a big breakfast.” The lie slips out so fast, he didn’t even realize he said it until Felix just nods his head and turns back to watch the argument. _What the fuck where did that lie come from why did I even lie there was no point_ is all that’s going through Jisung's head for the rest of lunch. He’s reminded of how much he’s changed.

They all walk to their gym class, thankfully not having to get changed because it’s the first day. The four of them are among the first to arrive, so they take a seat at the top of the bleachers and fuck around until class starts.

“Alright,” Coach says, standing at the bottom of the bleachers, “everyone listen up—”

Their gym coach gets cut off as the gym doors open, loudly echoing throughout the walls of the gymnasium, and in walks a student.

Not just any student, Jisung realizes after a moment. It’s Minho.

“Uh, I’m so sorry for being late. I uh- got lost.. I’m kinda new…” Minho trails off, looking embarrassed. A look Jisung has seen on him too many times already.

“Yo, who’s the new kid? He’s kinda hot.” Felix whispers from next to him, and he hears Seungmin make a noise of agreement.

“Lee Minho?” Coach asks Minho. Even though he’s still standing at the doors, Jisung can make out a micro nod of his head in response to his name.

“Speak up, son.” Coach says, making all the students in the room suddenly sit up straighter.

“Yes, sir.” Minho responds, surprisingly steady in a rather icy tone.

Coach stares, before finally breaking his stance. “Go take a seat on the bleachers so we can finally get this started.”

As Minho walks up the bleachers, his eyes meet Jisung’s and immediately light up. He makes his way to sit next to Jisung and plops down with a whispered “Fucking hell that was pretty embarrassing.”

“More embarrassing than being knocked on your ass at Starbucks?” Jisung can’t help himself.

“I literally told you to stop!” Minho softly laughs as he playfully shoves Jisung.

“Um.” They hear from their right, and Jisung looks over to see his three friends watching them with confusion written all over their faces.

“Oh, right. Minho, this is Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin. They’re my best friends. Guys, this is Minho. He thinks I’m an angel.” Jisung can’t contain the smile that breaks out after he finishes introducing them.

Minho whines and hides his blushed face in his hands again. Jisung has honestly never loved seeing anything more.

After gym, the five of them go their separate ways. Felix, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jisung part with the promise to meet up at Seungmin’s car after the next period. Jisung and Minho part with the promise to sit next to each other in both classes again tomorrow. 

An hour later, they're piling into Seungmin's car and heading to his house. Hanging out with his friends again is nice, but there are little awkward pauses that remind everyone of how long Jisung ghosted them. After what seems like the longest car ride of his life, they finally arrive at Seungmin's house.

“B- Dude, do you still have that Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream that we had a couple days ago? That shit was bomb!” Felix says as he’s getting out of the car. When Seungmin affirms, he yells a “Sweet!” and runs into the house.

Jisung watches as Hyunjin's eyes follow Felix with the most disgustingly fond look. Nothing’s changed.

Jisung finds himself on the couch, with Felix beside him eating straight out of the ice cream tub.The four of them talk. They have deep existential conversations mixed with random lighter topics. They talk about school and their childhoods and crazy memories together. By the time they’re done talking, it feels like that summer never happened.

Jisung’s smiling and laughing again. He’s genuinely enjoying himself. As he looks around to his three friends, he thinksI never want to leave them again.

As long as they don’t leave him.


	5. Chapter 5

There are good days and there are bad days.

There are days when Jisung can make it most of the day without being reminded of what happened to him, things as close to normal as they can get. He counts those as good.

Then there are bad days. The days when he wakes up numbed and desolate. The days when he’s always gravitating just outside his body, never quite there, flinching at everything, wishing he could just lay in bed and not exist.

Today is a bad day.

It’s not like he can control them. If it were up to him, everyday would be a good day.(If it were up to him, that summer never would have happened).

“Hey, Sung, you there? I literally just told you the most important thing ever and you’re not even listening to me. The audacity!” Jisung is snapped back into reality as Felix's dramatics draw his attention. They’re sitting in homeroom waiting for school to start. Seungmin and Hyunjin have yet to arrive.

He had three nightmares last night, because obviously one isn’t enough. Exhaustion gnawed at his body as soon as his alarm went off. He’s not usually the type of person to hit snooze, but he snoozed all the way up until he had literally two minutes to get out the door.

Needless to say, he’s still not exactly awake yet.

“I’m sorry Lixie, what were you saying?” Jisung asks, blinking a few times as if to clear his head.

Felix makes a face that saysare you kidding meand then throws his hands up. “I’m fucking lactose intolerant! When did that happen?”

Jisung blinks some more, unsure if he’s hearing this correctly.“You think discovering that you’re lactose intolerant is the most important thing ever and needed my attention before eight a.m on a _Monday?_ ” 

A noise comes out of Felix’s mouth that sounds something close to _duh_ and Jisung rolls his eyes. “That’s what you get for eating all of Seungmin's ice cream last week. Talk about audacity.”

“He actually bought that ice cream just for me, so you can kindly fuck off.”

“Why would Seungmin spend his own money to buy you ice cream and keep it in his freezer?” He knows his friends are weird, but that’s, like, extra weird.

Felix starts fiddling with the sleeve of his flannel and mumbles something in english, which is something he likes to do around his friends because they never know what he’s saying. For all Jisung knows, Felix could have just put an old, Australian curse on him. He honestly wouldn’t doubt it.

Jisung yawns and considers the conversation over, so he puts his head down and tries to think of good things. _The playground of my childhood. My mother’s cooking. Sunset orange. The smell of a bookstore. Minho’s smile. Minho’s laugh. Minho’s face when he blushes. Minho._

Jisung opens his eyes. _Wow I really got carried away there._

Sure, Minho is cute and all, but they’re just getting to know each other. There’s no reason he should already be this infatuated by him. He’s just a cute boy.

Jisung didn’t want to admit this to himself, but he knows relationships are basically off the table for now. He can’t even think about dating someone until he gets himself under control. The thought of someone wanting to touch Jisung like that again makes his palms sweat and his head dizzy. He shivers, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down to make sweater paws.

A particularly loud laugh makes Jisung raise his head once again to see that Seungmin and Hyunjin showed up a whole five minutes before homeroom starts. They’re early today, usually coming in 30 seconds before the bell rings.

He wouldn’t say things between him and Hyunjin are awkward, but there’s definitely some tension between them. He’s pretty sure it’s because they’re both dancing around discussing what happened that night. Seungmin and Felix usually pick up on it and are able to lighten the mood, but it’s exhausting for Jisung to deal with. He wishes they could just talk about it once and be done with it.

“Oh my god, you look like a whole zombie.” Seungmin says, laughing at Jisung’s state. “Hyunjinnie, when did we enter the world of the walking dead?”

Jisung just rolls his eyes and puts his head back down. He couldn’t give two fucks about his appearance right now. It was hard enough for him to even come to school today.

The bell rings, signaling the beginning of homeroom, but Jisung doesn’t care. He keeps his head down, not wanting to watch the stupid announcements made by amateur students. By the time homeroom is over, Jisung is in a light sleep. The bell doesn’t stir him, so Felix takes it upon himself to wake him up.

Felix pulls Jisung's arm out from supporting his head and tugs it towards him, thinking he could just drag him out of the chair. It doesn’t work like that. Not for Jisung.

Immediately, Jisung's body reacts for him, pulling his arm back and scooting his chair backwards with a small yelp. All he can think is _minjunminjunminjun_ and his breathing quickens. Completely terrified, he curls in on himself, eyes wide and fearful, searching for his attacker.

Not his attacker. Felix.

Felix, who is standing there in shock, not expecting his friend to react that way.Seungmin and Hyunjin are right behind him, mirroring his reaction. They all stare at each other for a long 10 seconds while Jisung processes where he is.

“Jisung,” Seungmin starts, and it makes tears spring up in Jisung's eyes, “are you okay?”

That’s the million dollar question.

Jisung looks down and takes a deep breath. He’s so tired of this bullshit. He misses the way life used to be.

“No.”

All three of them look like they’re about to start pressing for more answers, but Jisung isn’t in the mood. He wordlessly gets up and walks out of the room.

As soon as he’s out of their presence, he feels himself tearing up again. His face is contorting into that ugly crying face he has and he keeps his eyes locked on the ground to avoid eye contact with his peers. With blurry vision, he stumbles out to the courtyard and onto a bench facing the garden.

The garden is teeming with flowers, tall and short, a smear of multicolored petals. They’re all in full bloom even though it’s the beginning of fall. Jisung doesn’t know much about nature, but in that moment he wonders if these flowers enjoy their lives here in this courtyard of a high school.

The bell rings from inside the school signaling the beginning of first period. He assumes his friends just went to class in fear of being marked absent. Why risk detention for Jisung?

Sighing, he relaxes into the bench a little bit and tries to get himself together. The sunlight feels amazing on his skin. He hadn't realized how much time he’s spent indoors until this moment. The fresh air flowing through his lungs does wonders to clear his mind.

It’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it? He needs help.

He needs help in the form of friends, family, people who are willing to be there for Jisung when he gets like this.

_I don’t want to do this alone anymore._

A new wave of hot salty tears fall from his eyes, and his chest cracks open as the damn breaks. He needs to tell Hyunjin how he feels about that night. He needs to look Felix in the eyes and ask for help. He needs Seungmin to tell him everything will be alright. He needs his mom to hug him, to promise she’ll be there for him. He needs _love_.

He can’t control the sob that rips from deep in his chest. Admitting all of this to himself is making him realize how dumb he’s been. He spent the whole summer suffering in silence when he could have just been honest with his friends. _Maybe I’d be in a better place right now if I would have just fucking said something, anything._ He cries harder at the thought.

The loud clanking sound of the courtyard door falling shut interrupts his sobs. Jisung jumps at the noise and whips around to see who the hell just walked in on him during this super inconvenient moment. His eyesight is still blurry with tears but there’s a familiar figure walking towards him that’s a little too tall and strong to be one of his friends.

“Jisung?”

Oh. Oh _no_. Jisung sniffles and immediately ducks his head to wipe his face clean of wetness.

_Lee fucking Minho just found me while I’m having a mental breakdown._

This is the most embarrassing day of his life.

Jisung doesn’t respond to him, just continues looking down at his hands while sniffling. Maybe Minho will go away if he doesn’t say anything. Maybe it’ll be no big deal. Maybe the men in black will stop him and erase his memory.

“Jisung.”

The fact that it wasn’t a question makes him look up. When Jisung meets Minho’s eyes, Minho undoubtedly sees everything. The vulnerability, the pain, the loneliness, all of it is visible through that one look. Jisung watches Minho’s expression turn to one of sympathy, and before he knows it Minho is sitting down next to him and hugging him.

Naturally, Jisung freezes. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation. Why is Minho hugging him? Why isn’t he pressing for answers? Why didn’t he leave?

Minho squeezes him a bit tighter after realizing Jisung isn’t relaxing his stiff posture. That small squeeze is enough to knock Jisung out of his small shock and fully accept the hug. He grabs him back, harder, and stuffs his face into the nape of Minho’s neck. More tears fall and he’s sure Minho can feel them, but it’s been so long since someone has hugged him that he can’t bring himself to care.

A gentle hand runs up and down his back while the other softly scratches the back of his head. It’s just so _nice_ and _caring_ that Jisung can’t help but tighten his hold and wish it would never end. It was warm and secure, and so so _needed_. This feeling of safety is one he hasn’t felt in what seems like forever.

They pull apart after a while, but keep their close distance. Jisung, who can’t meet Minho's eye again, keeps his eyes down on his lap. Minho on the other hand is scanning Jisung's face, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jisung shakes his head, still not looking up. He can't tell Minho about this. Not right now.

“Do you want to go somewhere?”

This has Jisung lifting his head with questioning eyes. Minho takes that as a yes.

He stands and reaches out a hand, hoping Jisung will get the message. Jisung stares at his hand for a moment, wondering what he’s about to get himself into, but decides anything would be okay as long as it’s with Minho. He takes his hand and lets himself be led.

“Do you like coffee?”

They’re in Minho’s car now. The thrill of leaving school grounds during class has played a role in snapping Jisung out of his post-breakdown haze, though he still hasn’t said anything. When Minho looks over, Jisung nods in answer of his question.

He’s curled up in the passenger seat with his head resting against the window for support. He was already tired to begin with. Crying seems to have drained whatever energy he had left. He feels utterly defeated.

They drive in silence. When Minho had started his car the radio was already switched on, but he immediately turned it off without question. It’s quiet but comfortable as they drive down different back roads. Jisung has no idea where they’re going but he doesn’t mind. The scenery is nice to look at. The farther they get from the school the simpler his problems feel.

After about ten minutes, Minho swiftly pulls over and parks in front of what appears to be a small coffee shop. That explains his question earlier. Jisung slowly gets out of the car, waiting for Minho to walk around before following him inside the shop.

The café is empty and there’s only one middle aged woman behind the counter who greets them with a smile. Jisung tries to smile back but he’s willing to bet it came across as more of a grimace. Minho leads him over to a table in the front corner of the café, right next to the window. The sunlight filters through the blinds, making the seats warms and comforting.

“I’ll go order for us.” Minho doesn’t even wait for Jisung to respond before he’s on his way to the register. Jisung's eyes follow him before sighing and relaxing into the seat. There’s some indie song playing softly throughout the shop and he recognizes the voice but can’t think of the name. Movement out the window catches his attention and he watches as people pass by on the street. He suddenly wishes he had his camera on him.

An iced americano is placed in front of him and he’s brought back to the present. Minho sits down across from him, sipping his own iced americano.

“You said you liked coffee, so I figured you wouldn’t mind black.”

Jisung tilts his head. “You seem to forget I work at Starbucks. Of course I like black.”

Minho doesn’t even attempt to hide his surprise after hearing Jisung speak for the first time today. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something more, but Jisung is quick to look down, unable to shield his embarrassment. The more he thinks about it the more humiliating this situation gets.

“I wanna-”

“I’m sorry-”

They both try speak at the same time, stopping when they hear the other. Minho laughs a little and signals Jisung to talk first, but Jisung just shakes his head, wanting to hear what Minho has to say.

Minho clears his throat and tries again. “I wanted to ask you one more time if you would like to talk about what made you cry. I get we’re not that close, but maybe I could help? Or I could just listen, sometimes it’s nice to just talk and have someone listen. I could be good at that.”

Jisung inhales shakily, not fully believing Lee Minho is sitting here asking to help him. For a split second, he actually considers telling him everything. Telling him about that night, about how he feels, about what he’s done, but it’s too hard. He’s never talked about this with someone before. The first time he tries can’t be in public, and he’s not even sure he wants to tell Minho of all people. What would he think?

“I really don’t want to talk about it now. Maybe I’ll tell you another time. I’m sorry for all of this, I’m just having a really bad day, you didn’t need to leave school for me. I don’t want you getting a detention.” Jisung says, feeling guilty asfuck. He’s really not worth all of this.

Minho looks offended. “Are you kidding me? Of course I left school for you! You were crying alone in the courtyard. I couldn’t leave you alone, but I didn’t want a teacher to find us. Detention is the least of my worries. I just want you to be okay.” There’s so much sincerity in his eyes, Jisung has to look away once again.

“Thank you, Minho. It was _so_ nice of you to do this, I really feel like I owe you now.” He laughs, self deprecating. “I’m kinda going through something a little personal, but I think I’ll be alright soon. I would really just like to forget how you found me. That was highkey mortifying.” The condensation on the outside of his cup takes his attention, running his fingers through the water. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard to meet Minho's eyes while talking about this. He just hopes he understands.

“Hey, have I ever told you about my old school?”

Minho then launches into a fully detailed story about life in an arts school. Jisung's thankful for the distraction and finds himself actually interested in what Minho is saying. They talk for hours, Minho mostly speaking about his friends, family, and academic differences, while Jisung throws in his own comments and asks questions when appropriate.

It’s perfect, the way their conversation flows. At one point they pause to order sandwiches, but their caffeinated personalities are able to keep talking about anything. They both forget the real reason why they’re in a café and not at school. For a while it just feels like two people bonding and getting to know one another. It’s simple. Far away from the real world.

Empty plates and cups placed to the side, long forgotten, Minho checks the time and makes an alarmed sound. “Oh my god, it’s nearly three o’clock! Shit, I need to get home.” He stands and starts cleaning their table and Jisung looks around confused. Did they actually spend the whole day together?

Jisung helps clean up as well, waving bye to a now different lady behind the counter as they walk out. Getting into Minho's car now has a completely different vibe than it had this morning. This time, Minho turns on the radio and cracks the windows, creating a casual atmosphere. “What’s your address? I’ll drop you off.”

Jisung's about to respond before he stops. These past hours with Minho were exactly what he needed. It’s how life felt before that night. He knows if he doesn’t do something now, it might be awhile before he can feel that again. “Actually, do you mind dropping me off somewhere else?”

Getting out of the car, he bids farewell to Minho with the promise to text him later about a netflix show he recommended. He gets his backpack from the backseat and turns toward the house in front of him. Anxiety is starting to claw at his stomach but he can’t back down now.

Nervously, he walks up to the front door and knocks. It’s now or never.

Seungmin answers the door. Hyunjin and Felix are behind him.

“Hey guys. Can I come in?”


	6. Chapter 6

Silence.

The four of them sit in silence.

It’s almost comical, actually. Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin are sitting on the couch together facing a single chair. The chair Jisung is sitting in.

All three of them are looking at him. Waiting.

Jisung's frozen.

It was easy in theory. Walk into Seungmin's house, sit them down, and just tell them everything that’s been happening. He thought he could do it. But, as soon as he sat down and looked them in the eyes, it’s like stage fright overtook him.

He knows they’re waiting for something. The way they’re looking at him confirms everything Jisung suspected. They know something’s been up with him, and they waited for him to come to them first.

He doesn’t feel ready anymore. All of his confidence flew out the window as soon as he opened his mouth and nothing came out.

So now they’re sitting in silence. Looking at him. Waiting.

It’s comical.

“Jisung.” _Oh god, why did Seungmin just use my full name?_ “You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready.” Wow, was he really that obvious?

Jisung squeezes his eyes closed. “No, guys, I need to tell you why I flaked all summer. I’m tired of beating around the bush. I miss the way our friendship used to be.” He opens his eyes and meets Hyunjin's. “I know you feel it too. We all do. It’s exhausting and not fair and,” he lets out a deep exhale, “I’m ready to talk.”

“Okay,” Felix responds, a challenging look in his eyes, “then talk.”

Jisung audibly gulps. He opens his mouth. Here goes nothing. “I need help.”

_Fuck_ that was hard to say.

Hyunjin and Seungmin have the decency to look concerned, while Felix just looks confused. “Help? With what?”

Hyunjin hits Felix's chest with the back of his hand as if to shut him up. “Don’t be rude, I think he meant professional help.” He then looks to Jisung to see if he’s correct.

“I-I mean, no, not really, I wouldn’t say that just yet-”

“Wait stop.” Seungmin interrupts him and the room falls silent once again. “Sung, if you need help, we’re here for you. With anything. You can talk to us.” He says, with a warm, reassuring smile.

“I know. I mean, that’s what I thought. I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys before, after everything happened. I guess I was just scared and shocked and probably didn’t process things correctly and it all snowballed out of control and-”

“Jisung what are you talking about?” He gets interrupted again, this time by Hyunjin. Jisung didn’t even realize his nervous habit of rambling had taken over. He feels himself beginning to tremble.

“I’ve never said it out loud before.” Jisung whispers.

“Go on,” Hyunjin says, “I promise we’ll still be here after you say it.”

That was such a Hyunjin thing to say.

“Okay, um, I,” He pauses, looking up when he feels wetness beginning to pool in his eyes, “I was, uh. I-” His nerves are starting to get the best of him. With shaking hands and an erratic heartbeat, he feels like he’s dying. He’s probably dying. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.” He says quickly, and puts his head in his hands while he tries to stabilize his breathing.

Jisung's never felt more pathetic than in this moment. _It’s not even a big deal. After I tell them, they’re probably gonna think I’m overreacting. It’s not even a big deal._ It’s not even a big deal.

He quickly sits up and breathes in. “I was raped.”

It’s weird. He didn’t know how he would feel after he spoke it into existence. He always thought maybe if he ignored it, it would go away. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he always hoped history would change itself and he suddenly wouldn’t be a victim anymore. It’s the most irrational and unrealistic thing he’s ever hoped for, but it’s what kept him going. Now, that’s all changed, because he said it.

“Holy shit.” Jisung looks over to see Felix looking at him with the saddest expression he’s ever seen on his face. “Is it what I think? Jisung, I am so sorry.”

Felix looks like he’s close to tears, but Jisung's a little confused. “Wait, what do you mean? Why are you apologizing?”

Hyunjin speaks up, “Sungie, when did it happen?”

And here’s where he disappoints his friends. “You know that party we went to? In the very beginning of summer? And how afterwards… we went… to-”

“Fuck. I was right. I knew it.” Felix almost sounds mad. “That morning after, when you cried in my arms, it was because of that night, right? Fuck.”

Hyunjin catches on. “Oh, I remember that now. It was kind of scary seeing you like that, Sung.”

Jisung laughs bitterly. “Yeah, it was kind of scary going through that, Hyunjin.” He doesn’t know why, but it comes out accusatory.

Hyunjin stills. “Are you mad at me? Because of that night?” He asks, sounding confused and offended. Jisung stays silent. “Is that why you ignored us all summer? Do you blamemefor what happened to you?!” The volume of his voice rises as he speaks. This is what Jisung was afraid of.

“N-No. Of course I don’t blame you. I just-”

“You just need it to be someone else’s fault other than your own.” Hyunjin's words hit him like ice.

Ouch.

Jisung looks down, not knowing how to handle the pain that just shot through his body after hearing his best friend say that.

“Hyunjin, I can’t believe you. How dare you make him feel like it was his fault!” Felix stands up as he yells at the boy next to him. “That night was a weird night for everyone.” His eyes flit to Seungmin for a split second before they’re back on Hyunjin. “We were all under the influence of weedandalcohol. I wasn’t in that room, but I know for a fact if Jisung says he didn’t want it, then he didn’t want it.”

“Exactly! You weren’t in the room, I was. He was right next to me the whole time! Not once did he say he didn’t want it.”

Jisung furrows his eyebrows as he thinks about what Hyunjin just said. _I did say no to those guys, didn’t I? I tried to push them off, right?_ Doubt starts swirling through his mind. That night seems so long ago now, he can’t remember everything clearly. He’s shaking again at the thought of being wrong about these important aspects of that night.

Seungmin finally says something for the first time since Jisung told them. “Jinnie, Lixie, stop. Jisung needs us to be there for him and you guys are fighting like children. Felix, sit down. Hyunjin, stop being inconsiderate. Can we continue talking about this like adults, please?”

The room falls silent once more. Felix sits down with a small huff and a red face. He’s a couple inches farther from where he was next to Hyunjin before. Hyunjin looks just as mad, but chooses to keep his mouth shut.

It’s getting harder for Jisung to breathe. His mind is moving too fast now. His friends are mad, possibly at him, and it’s his fault for coming to them. _I knew this was gonna be a mess._

Jisung stands. “You know what, I’m actually gonna go. We can just forget this happened.” He hastily makes his way to the door, keeping his head down and avoiding eye contact with the other three in the room. A hand on his wrist stops him. He flinches as he turns around.

He sees understanding pass through Seungmin’s eyes before he speaks. “Sungie, stop running. Talk to us.”

The words echo through his mind. _Stop running. Talk to us._ It hits him harder than it should.

That’s the last straw. Emotion explodes from Jisung's body with a sob. He’s so exhausted of running, of not being understood, of holding everything in. He’s aware of how pathetic he probably looks, but he’ll worry about that later. For now, he finds comfort in the arms of Seungmin as he holds him and lets him cry.

It’s the second time today he’s crying in someone’s arms. He hope’s this doesn’t become a thing.

Seungmin leads him back over to the couch as he continues to sob, seating Jisung down next to him. He keeps his eyes clenched shut, not wanting to see how Hyunjin is probably looking at him with disgust. The sheer embarrassment that washes over him makes him sniffle as he tries to get himself under control again. He’s wiping his face, but the tears keep falling. It’s no use.

Hyunjin's not going to understand him. It’s no use.

Jisung's sitting on the edge of the couch, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes, hoping to stop the flow of tears. He can feel them looking at him.

“I have nightmares.” Jisung hears someone inhale sharply. He thinks it’s Felix. “I have nightmares about it almost every night. Sometimes, I’ll have more than one.” He feels a hand lay gently on his back. It’s Seungmin's way of offering support, but it just makes more tears come. “I’m scared to sleep, these days. I’m scared of so many things that I used to consider normal parts of my life.” He sniffles again. “I don’t want to be like this, guys. I _hate_ being like this.” There’s a hint of venom in his voice as he feels anger for what happened to him surge through him. _I don’t deserve this._

“I’m sorry.” Jisung's head whips to look at Hyunjin at the sounds of his voice, hopeful. “I’m sorry, but I don’t get it.” His heart drops.

“Hyunjin, come on-” Felix tries.

“No! He doesn’t talk to us for months and this is what he comes to us with? It literally doesn’t make sense.” Hyunjin throws his hands up and looks at Jisung. “Why didn’t you tell us right after it happened?”

Jisung feels like a spotlight was just shone on him. “I-I already said, I was scared and in shock a-and-”

“And what? You realized being with all those guys in one night would make you sound like a slut, so you decided to call it rape?”

If Jisung thought he couldn’t breathe before, he’s definitely having trouble now.

“Hyunjin stop!” This time it’s Seungmin who stands to yell. “What the fuck is wrong with you! Are you even hearing yourself? You’re being so fucking ignorant!”

Hyunjin rises as well to shout back. “I’m not being ignorant! I was just asking a question!”

“You accused him of lying! I think we can all tell by the way he’s reacting right now that he’s telling the truth.” Jisung bitterly laughs to himself when he hears Seungmin say that. This is becoming too much. “Why is that so hard for you to comprehend, Hyunjin? Why can’t your tiny, little brai-”

“Seungmin!” Felix stands too, getting into the argument and positioning himself between Seungmin and Hyunjin. “Don’t speak to Hyunjinnie that way. We may not agree with what he’s saying but you don’t need to insult him. He’s our fucking boyfriend, treat him with respect.”

Wait, what?

“Lixie, thanks for defending me, but you don’t need to. We all know that he favors you over me, anyway.” Hyunjin says it to Felix, but is directing all of his attitude towards Seungmin.

Jisung's lost. Since when were they dating?

“Hyunjin, don’t bring that up.” Felix warns.

“Oh wow! You really want to have that fight again?” Seungmin's looking pissed as hell. “How many times do I need to tell you?I don’t favor any one of you over the other.” He emphasizes every syllable, as if saying it to a child.

“Really? It’s pretty clear to me that you do!”

“Guys…” Jisung tries, but they keep yelling over him.

“Just because you were the last one in the relationship doesn’t mean we like you less!” Seungmin yells.

Hyunjin scoffs. “Yeah right. If it wasn’t for me forcing myself to be included, you would be dating without me!”

“GUYS!” Jisung yells, and everyone stops to look at him. Realization floods Felix's face, but the other two are too mad to stop glaring at each other. “I get that you’re having a lover’s spout, thanks for telling me by the way, but this is too much.” He stands and makes sure he has everything.

“Sung.” Seungmin says, softly.

“I’m going to leave now. Don’t bother trying to talk to me anymore. I came here looking for support, but instead I got accused of lying and then found out you’re all dating.” Jisung shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear it. “Thanks for being my friends.” He says, sarcastically, and then walks towards the door.

“Sung, wait!” Felix tries, but Jisung doesn’t turn around.

It’s raining outside, but that doesn’t stop Jisung. He shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his head down as he begins his trek home. He might be crying again, but it could also just be the rain on his cheeks. He’ll never know.

All he knows is that he just lost his three best friends.


	7. Chapter 7

Jisung doesn’t go to school the next day.

He tries, he really does, but he can’t find a good enough reason to get out of bed.

Hearing his mother get up and go to work stirs a longing feeling in his chest. They’ve been through so much together, and he loves her to death, but he can’t help but feel like he’d be a burden if she knew everything he’s been going through. Jisung knows she kept things from him during the divorce, things that would only hurt him if he knew. Now, the roles are reversed. He’s doing her a favor.

When she leaves the apartment, he lets out a sigh. There’s nothing for him to do today, other than wallow in his own self-pity. His life has gone so far downhill he didn’t really remember how to do anything else.

As a last resort to up his mood, he decides to watch netflix. Remembering Minho's recommendation from yesterday, he throws on _The Office,_ hoping it’ll be as funny as he promised.

About three episodes later, it’s not as funny as he promised. Jisung’s getting sick of the bad acting and the american jokes he hardly finds funny. A vibrating sound pulls his attention from his computer to his nightstand. Someone texted him. A million different possibilities of who it could be runs through his mind in a second. _Felix? Seungmin? Hyunjin?! It better not be fucking Hyunjin._

Hesitantly, he checks his lockscreen. It’s from Minho. He unlocks his phone, suddenly feeling more alert.

_you’re not here today?_

Jisung guesses he’s in photography class right now. Minho probably noticed he wasn’t there. He smiles a bit at the thought of Minho looking for him.

_yeah i’m not feeling well so i stayed home haha_

Haha? Throwing his phone in embarrassment, Jisung rolls over in bed and stuffs his face into his pillow, letting out a high-pitched groan. He sounds like such a loser. Minho's probably never going to talk to him ever again just because he added _haha_ at the end of his text. Fuck his life.

Not even a minute later, his phone vibrates again, from the end of his bed where he’d thrown it. Sitting up in disbelief, Jisung races to open the new text.

_oh no :( are you okay?_

Jisung's heart skips a beat. Minho uses emoticons? In this day and age? He can just imagine Minho actually pouting while saying those words. This is too much for his heart to handle.

_i’m good don’t worry :) thanks for asking!_

He regrets the text as soon as he sends it. _God, why do I sound like such a fucking idiot!_ He throws his phone again, this time harder, and it bounces off his bed and onto the floor. _Good. Stay there._

Feeling flustered, he tries to focus his attention back on netflix, but he can’t stop his mind from wandering. Minho was such a good friend to him yesterday, probably a better friend than Hyunjin has ever been in his life. He wishes they met under normal circumstances, circumstances where Jisung wasn’t so fucked up. He probably would’ve asked him out by now.

A thought passes through his mind. He could totally date Minho. All he needs to do is get over _it_. But how? Pausing netflix, he opens a new tab on his browser. He thinks for a second, before he types.

_Rape recovery_

He hits enter, and millions of results pop up. He sees a lot of hotlines and help centers, but that’s not what he wants. After scrolling a little more, he comes across a wikihow article. It makes him laugh. Could he really fix himself by reading a fucking wikihow article? He clicks.

_Method 1. Step 1: Take care of yourself._

Jisung rolls his eyes. _Yeah, no shit I need to take care of myself. A bit easier said than done._ He scans the description, and it talks about getting enough sleep, food, and exercise. He hates to admit this, but he definitely could improve in those areas.

_Step 2: Re-establish a daily routine_

What the fuck? Jisung's pretty sure whoever wrote this is bullshitting him. He scrolls through the other steps, barely glancing over them, and decides this is crap. _Return to things you love. Treat yourself. Practice mindful living. Be patient._ It almost makes him angry at how they seem to be disregarding how hard dealing with this actually is.

When he gets to _Method 2,_ he stops.

_Method 2. Step 1: Look for signs of PTSD._

PTSD? He reads the blurb, and apparently it stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Isn’t that the thing people who fight in wars get?

_After experiencing sexual violence, you are likely to feel anxiety, fear, or stress. However, if you are having severe episodes of these feelings, if these feelings interfere with your normal life, or if you experience them for more than a few weeks after the incident, you may be experiencing the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There are three common symptoms to look out for:_

  * _Re-experiencing: If you feel like you are re-living the event, whether through unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, or dreams, you may have PTSD._

  * _Avoidance: If you keep away from things you used to enjoy, or if you alter your behavior or routine to avoid things you associate with the traumatic event, you may have PTSD._

  * _Hyper-arousal: If you feel edgy, nervous, easy to startle, prone to outbursts, or are having trouble sleeping or relaxing, you may have PTSD._




Jisung can’t breathe. Could he have PTSD? That sounds like a really fucking big deal.

  * _PTSD requires professional treatment. See a doctor or therapist as soon as you can._




A therapist? That would mean he’d have to tell his mom. No. He won’t. He can’t. The fear of being judged is far too strong. Who would believe him if his own friend didn’t? There’s no way of predicting anyone’s reaction.

Professional treatment? Maybe he could treat himself. He opens another tab.

_PTSD treatment_

Again, millions of results pop up, but the third link catches his attention. It’s a link to webmd with the title _6 common Treatments for PTSD._ This is crazy, Jisung thinks. Webmd? Doesn’t that website diagnose illnesses? Is PTSD an illness? He clicks.

_People with PTSD can have insomnia, flashbacks, low self-esteem, and a lot of painful or unpleasant emotions. You might constantly relive the event -- or lose your memory of it altogether._

Low self-esteem? Is today Attack Jisung Day?

_When you have PTSD, it might feel like you'll never get your life back. But it can be treated. Short—and long—term psychotherapy and medications can work very well. Often, the two kinds of treatment are more effective together._

Oh. Maybe Jisung should see a doctor.

_PTSD therapy has three main goals:_

  * _Improve your symptoms_

  * _Teach you skills to deal with it_

  * _Restore your self-esteem_




He can’t lie. Therapy sounds like his best option. The only thing stopping him is the fact that he’d have to tell his mom. He knows this would crush his mother. She’s been so happy lately, for the first time since before the divorce. Who wants to hear their kid got raped by a bunch of guys while drunk and high?

Jisung takes a deep breath. There’s too much information bouncing around his head right now. Words like _trauma_ and _flashbacks_ and _nightmares_ are making his hands shake, and he decides that’s enough for today. He’ll just go back to ignoring it. Somehow, he falls asleep with netflix still playing, and when he wakes up the sun is down. 

Confused and disoriented, Jisung looks around for his phone to check what time it is, only to remember he threw it on the ground earlier. Nice move. Literally rolling out of bed, Jisung finds himself face-down next to his phone. Wincing at the brightness of his screen, he reads a large 8:42pm. _Holy shit I literally slept all day._ He has no idea how he managed to do that.

The mental exhaustion that’s been these past couple of days must have finally caught up to him, letting him sleep uninterrupted for hours on end. Some higher power seems to have cut him a break today. He’s not complaining at all.

Putting a hand on his knee, he lifts himself up to stretch out his stiff muscles from napping, only to dizzily fall back onto his bed. A head rush hit him out of nowhere, making it impossible for him to tell which way is up and which way is down. He lays there, letting the roaring in his ears fade until he’s finally back to his senses. That’s new.

There’s a lingering tingling sensation in his limbs, but other than that he feels recovered. _I must be dehydrated from all that sleeping._ He warily stands back up and carefully makes his way into the kitchen to get some water. His heartbeat feels really fast but his breathing is really shallow. _Is this another panic attack?_ It doesn’t feel like his usual symptoms. Hurrying his movements, he gets himself a glass of ice water and begins to drink it.

The cool, refreshing feeling helps him wake up a lot more, and he puts two and two together. He needs to eat something.

He’d wonder why his mom didn’t wake him for dinner, but he knows there’s some unspoken agreement that they both do their own thing these days. It started when Jisung began working that summer. Or, maybe it started when Jisung began avoiding her gaze. They both happened at the same time.

Jisung doesn’t feel hungry, but he knows he needs to eat something with substance so he doesn’t actually keel over and die. _Would that be such a bad thing?_ He quickly shakes his head of his thoughts. Looking around, he spots a bowl of apples on the counter. Perfect. He grabs one and walks back into his room, glass in hand.

As he’s eating his apple, he checks online to see if he missed any homework assignments that are due tomorrow. All he finds is a Physics worksheet that he needs to complete.

Physics. A class he shares with Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin. The thought of going back to school tomorrow and having to be around them makes his stomach churn a little, and he briefly pauses chewing his apple to let it settle. _I’m literally sick at the thought of seeing them._

He tries his best to complete the worksheet, but they must have learned the material that day in class, so Jisung gives up.He’s never skipped a day of school. He’s never missed a homework assignment. There’s a first time for everything.

It’s easy to avoid them.

He was honestly surprised when he walked into homeroom and found his three (used to be) friends sitting nowhere near their usual seats. They actually listened when Jisung told them to leave him alone. Good. He makes it through homeroom without so much as even feeling a set of eyes on him. It almost makes him sad, actually. Didn’t they care about him at least a little bit? He tries not to think too much about it. He should just be happy they’re not bothering him.

Sitting next to Seungmin in math is… awkward, to say the least. They don’t talk or make eye contact, but they’re _right_ next to each other. It’s basically a whole hour of an awkward silence. Exhausting.

Walking into the photography room is like a breath of fresh air. For this hour, he doesn’t have to worry about anything, just his bullshit photography assignment. Minho's already there when he walks over to his seat. He has his earphones in and he’s staring at his phone with a determined facial expression. He’s so fucking cute.

When Jisung sits down, Minho immediately pulls out an earphone and turns toward him with a bright face. “Hey, you’re here! How are you feeling?”

Jisung almost blushes at the sudden undivided attention. How can Minho make him feel like the most important person in the world so easily? He probably has powers. “I’m feeling much better, thank you for asking.” He clears his throat, still fighting the blush. “Did I miss anything yesterday?”

Minho shakes his head. “No, we just worked on the assignment. For the whole period.” He says, with a blank face. “I wanted to die it was so boring.”

Jisung laughs, feeling it bubble out of his chest. “Well, today we can suffer together.”

“Yeah, together.” Minho smiles. Jisung loses the battle with his blush.

Their assignment is pretty simple. Over the weekend they were supposed to take pictures of things that are “important” to them. If there was a level below basic, this would be it.

In class, the teacher wants them to be editing the pictures and finding a “creative” way to display them. Basically, they can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they have something to present at the end of the week. Any other senior would probably love to have a class like this, but Jisung enjoys the feeling of being challenged with new ways to approach his hobbies. He hates that this assignment is making him look at photography like a chore.

There isn’t really much for him to do in class. He wants the focus of his presentation to be on his pictures, not the display, so he took a traditional approach and just framed them all. It’s simple, the way he likes it.

Minho, on the other hand, could use some dire help.

His photography is amazing, that’s not the problem. The problem is that he seems to be trying to create some sort of mobile by using wood, strings, and hot glue. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but Lee Minho defies all logic.

Jisung is busy piecing together one of his frames when he hears a frustrated groan from his left. Trying not to be obvious, he peeks over and finds Minho glaring at a ball of string and glue. He fights down a smile. “Hey Minho, what are you trying to do?”

“I’m trying to glue this stupid string to these stupid pieces of wood, but the stupid glue won’t fucking dry fast enough, and I keep accidentally moving it and making a huge sticky, stringy mess!” He yells with anger evident in his voice, throwing his hands in the air as if surrendering. Thankfully, the rest of the class is loudly talking, drowning his outburst.

Even though Minho is clearly upset, Jisung can’t help but laugh at him. He may be angry but he still managed to be cute. As Jisung said before, Minho must have some type of power.

Minho looks over at Jisung when he hears him laugh. He pouts more, which does nothing to wipe the smile off Jisung's face. “Stop laughing at me, Sung-ah! If I could kill these inanimate objects they’d be long dead.”

Jisung tries to ignore the funny feeling he gets in his stomach when he hears Minho call him _Sung-ah._ It’s like music to his ears, but it also reminds him of feelings he can’t really act on. He swallows, trying to act normal. “Maybe if you call it stupid one more time, it’ll work with you instead of against you.”

Jisung successfully ignores Felix in AP Gov. Being an AP course, the classes are always information filled, with not much time to socialize. He happily accepts this advantage and doesn’t even look Felix's way once. On the way to Physics, he lets Felix walk ahead of him, and watches him reunite with his _boyfriends_ before going into the classroom together. He’s happy they made up. He’s happy they forgave Hyunjin. He’s happy for them. _But they can honestly go fuck themselves._

The disappointment from the teacher when he doesn’t hand in his homework is something Jisung's never dealt with before. After he explains that he was sick (in front of the whole class, which is embarrassing within itself) the teacher disapprovingly gives him another day to complete it.

Immediately after, he gets the feeling someone’s watching him and looks around, only to make eye contact with Seungmin. Jisung quickly looks away, but was able to read some type of concern in his eyes. Honestly, fuck him.

He stops at his locker to kill a little time before heading to lunch. As he’s switching out his textbooks, he realizes there’s probably no place for him to sit in the cafeteria. He literally doesn’t have any other friends than the ones he’s currently arguing with. What a fucking loser. He decides to just spend lunch in the library, doing homework and catching up on what he missed yesterday. Finding an empty table is easy, and he contently sits down and spreads out all of his work. AP Gov and Physics are his top priorities. Math can wait.

As he’s trying to understand all of the unnecessarily big words in his AP Gov book, he feels a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch.

Thankfully, it doesn’t trigger him into a panic attack like it had earlier that week, but he still whips his head around faster than normal, and he’s willing to bet his eyes look fearful. Minho's standing there, mouth partially open in what’s probably small shock.

“Oh, Minho! You scared me.” Jisung laughs, trying to diffuse the tension. “I was so focused on my reading.”

Minho seems to accept. “Sorry about that. You don’t usually come here for lunch, do you? I’m here everyday and never see you.”

Jisung tries not to think about how it sounds like Minho is always looking for him. “No, I just decided to spend today’s lunch working on things I missed yesterday.”

Minho nods, and then glances around a little awkwardly. Jisung would almost guess he’s… nervous? “Do- Woul-,” Minho stutters. “Can I sit with you? You know, to like, keep you company or something? If you wanna work alone that’s fine too, I can-”

“Sit down, Minho.” Jisung says with a knowing smile. He can’t believe he can reduce Minho to a stuttering, rambling mess. Maybe Jisung's the powerful one here.

Minho eagerly sits down across from Jisung, and begins taking out his own work. Jisung watches him fondly, unable to believe someone so cute wants to willingly spend time with him.They work mainly in silence, throwing out a few comments here and there. It’s strangely comfortable, like they were made to be in each other’s presence. Jisung's never felt so at ease with someone before.

Remembering they have gym next, they walk to the locker rooms together, making easy conversation. Jisung’s in the middle of making fun of the way Minho pronounces _Croissant_ when they enter the locker room and come face to face with his three ex friends. His laughter stops immediately, and after an awkward couple seconds of eye contact, he’s quick to make his way to the complete opposite side of the room, Minho following in suit.

Minho looks a little confused, but Jisung gives him props for not questioning him right there in the room.

Jisung goes into a bathroom stall to change, not quite comfortable with getting undressed in front of other people. Minho also doesn’t comment on that. He can’t even begin to explain how thankful he is for Lee Minho.

Throughout gym class, they’re practically attached by the hip. Coach just told them to “shoot some hoops”, and then proceeded to lock himself in his office. Minho takes this opportunity to flex. _Hard_.

He still makes conversation with Jisung, but he’s making every shot while talking. It doesn’t even look hard. It’s just basket after basket after basket, yet he still has the audacity to act humble, as if he’s not aware of what he’s doing.

One thing Jisung notices is how _hot_ Minho looks while shooting hoops. This is the first time Jisung is actually noticing Minho as something other than cute, and it’s kind of fucking him up. His tongue peaking out ever so slightly as he’s aiming the ball. The way his muscles move as he’s throwing the ball. The quick look of smug satisfaction on his face after he makes the shot. It’s like a whole new person is on the court.

Jisung's designated job is to stand right behind the hoop and bounce back the basketballs to Minho after they’ve gone through. There are several times he misses the ball completely, feigning distraction from the conversation instead of the boy himself.

It stirs up those crazy feelings inside of him again. He really shouldn’t be thinking about Minho this way, it’s not fair to either of them. Minho probably just thinks of Jisung as a friend, and Jisung really isn’t in the place to be thinking of anyone as more than a friend, _especially after what I read yesterday._ It’s a confusing conflict of emotions which leaves his stomach feeling queasy.

“Sung-ah,” Minho says, with a tone different than the one they were just using. “What are you doing today after school?” He’s standing at the three-point line, aiming.

Jisung thinks for a second, before responding. “I don’t have any plans.” He doesn’t mention how he doesn’t really have friends anymore to make plans with. “Why?”

Minho shrugs. “Wanna do something?” He shoots the ball.

Jisung's heart races. The feeling of your crush asking you to hang out is something he’s never really felt before. “Sure!” The ball makes it through the hoop. Nothing but net. “What do you wanna do?”

“Well, my parents are out of town—they went back to Gimpo to finish up some business or something—so my house is free.” Minho watches as Jisung saves the ball from bouncing into the bleachers. “We could, like, watch movies at my place?”

Jisung's beginning to worry his heart is actually palpitating. He tosses the basketball from hand to hand, pretending to consider the offer. “Hmm, I’ll have to check my schedule.”

Minho rolls his eyes. “You literally just said you were free.”

“Oh, did I? I guess that means we’re watching movies at your place.”

Minho reminds Jisung of where his car is parked, and they agree to meet there for their free period. They actually end up running into each other right before leaving the school, and Jisung had said _‘fancy seeing you here’_ to which Minho had responded _‘you’re not funny’._

As they’re walking to his car, Jisung spots a familiar trio. The amount of times he’s seen them throughout the day is actually starting to annoy him. He knew he’d have to see their faces at some point, but every time he sees even just one of them, he’s reminded of how he got called a _slut_ and a _liar_ and was told it was _all his fault._ It’s getting on his nerves.

Jisung swallows and clenches his fists by his sides, trying not to show his anger. Today is a good day. He’s about to go watch movies with Minho.

Minho. His new friend, his crush, the guy who called him an angel. The guy who is currently rambing about Ariana Grande’s new album, and Jisung is just nodding along, because the only time he listens to Ariana Grande is when Jeongin takes over the music at work.

They arrive at Minho's car and throw their bags in the backseat before getting in. Just as Jisung’s about to sit down, his gaze accidentally locks with Felix's. He sees Felix's eyes scan over the car and land on Minho, before looking back to Jisung with a curious expression.

Jisung shakes his head and scoffs, loudly, before getting into the car and forcefully slamming the door closed.

“Woah, easy there! What did my car ever do to you? Jeez.” Minho's complaining snaps Jisung out of his angry haze.

“Sorry.” Jisung says sheepishly, embarrassed for letting his emotions get the best of him.

Minho looks over questioningly, then his eyes move to something behind Jisung. He makes a little _ah_ sound, before putting the car in reverse and backing out. “You wanna talk about what happened with your friends?” He keeps his eyes on the road, not looking at Jisung. It’s a casual question, as if he’s asking about the weather.

Jisung sighs defeatedly. “No, I’d really rather forget they exist.”

Minho turns up the radio, and they drive the rest of the way while singing along to whatever song decides to come on next.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hi, welcome to Starbucks, what can we get for you today?”

The lady in front of him taps her finger on her lips, as if thinking really hard about something.

“Is a ‘grande’ a large?”

Jisung tries to keep the polite smile on his face. “No miss, grande is our medium. Venti is our large.”

The lady huffs. “That’s really misleading, you know.”

_Believe me, I know._

Sunday mornings are the absolute worst. The only customers who come in, from the time they open until about noon, are a bunch of old people. It sounds nice in theory, but he’d rather have a bunch of know-it-all teenagers giving him attitude than rude old people who are too closed minded to even understand their sizing.

The lady gives him her order; a _venti_ cappuccino made with coconut milk and extra foam. Jisung doesn’t have the patience to tell her that foam from coconut milk is practically impossible to make, so he gets to work, knowing it’ll take a lot of extra effort.

It’s been about two months since his fight with _hyunseunglix_ , which means it’s been about two months since Minho officially became his best friend. Honestly, things are good. Of course he’s still dealing with nightmares, flashbacks, and the occasional panic attack, but other than that he’s actually been pretty happy. 

Minho still has no idea about anything, and that’s how Jisung wants to keep it.

Avoiding his three ex friends gets easier with every passing day. There was one horrible incident where Seungmin and Jisung had to work on a math sheet together in class. Their teacher had forced them to pair up, and even yelled at Jisung for not participating when he wasn’t talking to Seungmin. That really ticked him off, and he ended up giving Seungmin more attitude than necessary for a math assignment. He didn’t feel bad, though.

It’s far into autumn now, warm weather long behind them. Jisung doesn’t like to brag, but his pumpkin spice latte skills are on point.

When Changbin first introduced him to the pumpkin spice sauce he almost threw up on the spot. The thickness of it alone was gross enough, but the ingredients on the side of the bottle actually made him worried for his customers’ health. _It had salt written twice._ With enough coaxing from Changbin and the eventual threat of firing him from Jinyoung, Jisung hesitantly put aside his morals and values to create the latte.

(The night Jisung learned was a slow friday night, and Minho was in the corner of the café trying to do his homework. Whenever Jisung had a shift, Minho liked to randomly show up and pretend to be productive, while he was actually just there to distract Jisung.

Minho kept hearing shrieks coming from behind the counter, but didn’t think anything of it. It was normal for Jisung to be dramatic at work. Five minutes later, Minho lifted his head to see the younger boy walking towards him with a mug in his hand and a smile on his face. Minho smiled back as he closed his textbook, making room on the table for the mug.

Jisung sat down without a word and placed the mug in front of Minho. He was still smiling, and Minho was getting a little confused. “Uh, Sung? What’s this?”

Jisung had done a horrible job trying to get rid of his smile and act. “What’s what?” He looked down. “Oh, you mean this?” He pointed to the mug. “That’s my first ever pumpkin spice latte, and I want you to be the one to try it.” Jisung full-on smiled, and Minho had to look down to avoid getting blinded by the sun.

“Is it safe to drink?”

Jisung thought back to the list of ingredients on the side of the bottle. “You tell me.”

Without hesitation, Minho had picked up the mug and taken a huge sip of the latte. Jisung had immediately winced, knowing how hot the drink was. 

It didn’t phase Minho at all. He had slammed down the mug and dramatically let out an _ahh_ as he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. Jisung just kept looking at him, waiting for any reaction. “What’s the verdict?”

Minho had a glint in his eyes that Jisung hadn’t seen before. “Sweet. Like you.”)

When Jisung finally finishes making the old lady’s cappuccino with _extra coconut milk foam,_ he carelessly calls it out before walking to the back room. There’s only half an hour left of his shift and he’s starting to get antsy. He honestly just wants to leave and get ready for his plans with Minho. 

Ever since that one day after school, watching movies with Minho has sort of become a tradition. Every weekend they would get together, usually at Minho's place, and watch whatever movie they felt. They’d already gone through all the Marvel and Star Wars movies. Next on their list is scary movies.

Thankfully, their school gave the students a three day weekend, so even though today is Sunday, they can stay up all night watching movies anyway. 

“Jisung, why the fuck aren’t you at the register?” Yugyeom is sitting on the break chair with his feet on the desk. Jinyoung doesn’t work on weekends, so the employee with most seniority is left in charge, which happens to be Kim Yugyeom, 22 years old, employee of Starbucks since 16. What a career.

“Hyung, please, I’ve been working since 6am. Don’t I deserve a break?” Jisung pulls out his best pout. 

“Yeah, that’s why I’ve already given you three today.” Oh, right. “You have, like, twenty minutes left. Just clean the blenders or something.”

Jisung groans. “I’m just gonna pretend I never came back here.”

Walking back out to the front of the store, he notices that it’s gotten even more dead. Literally every customer had left the café. He groans again, this time in his head, and actually considers cleaning the blenders. _It’s really not that bad. I’m sure it would make the end of my shift go by a lot faster._

Just as he’s reaching for the chord to unplug a blender, the door opens and a customer walks in. Jisung sighs and makes it to the register just as the customer does. 

“Hi, what can I get for you today?” He pulls out his sharpie from his apron and gets ready to grab a cup. The customer looks a little bit older than Jisung, and he can’t deny that he’s super attractive. Old Jisung probably would have flirted with him. 

“I’ll take a grande green iced tea.” Even his voice is hot. Jisung grabs a grande iced cup and starts writing his order down.

“Would you like that sweetened?”

“No, thank you.” Manners too? Wow, Jisung is really missing his shot. 

“Anything else today?” Jisung looks up briefly and makes eye contact with the customer. He expected to fight a blush or something but his body isn’t even reacting. _Am I that whipped for Minho?_

“That’s all.”

“All right, can I have a name for the drink?”

“Minjun.”

The hand Jisung is writing with freezes, as does the rest of his body. A billion thoughts flow through his mind at once. He _knows_ the man in front of him is not the person who raped him. They just share the same name. The name that Jisung can’t really handle hearing. His heart begins to race.

Taking a deep breath, he puts his sharpie back in his apron, not finding it in him to write that name on the cup. The customer,Minjun, is still looking at him, probably waiting for his total. Right. 

Jisung taps the screen a couple times, and comes up with the total. His hands are starting to shake. 

“Your total is $3.25.” His tone is flat and he doesn’t make eye contact with the customer. He’s probably coming off as rude but he can’t bring himself to care. He just wants to disappear. 

Thankfully, the customer hands him exact change and walks away before Jisung even finishes the transaction. Closing his eyes for a second, he wills himself to just get through this and go home. Fuck Yugyeom, he’s going to leave right after this drink. 

Grabbing the cup, Jisung walks over to the iced teas and gets to work. This guy literally ordered the easiest drink on the planet. _It would probably be easier if my hands weren’t shaking so much._

He pours the tea, adds the water, scoops the ice, and has the lid on in twice the amount of time it should take. He stares down at the completed drink, hating its existence. The cup starts to move. Jisung belatedly realizes he’s getting dizzy. Carefully walking over to the counter, he sets down the iced tea, proud of himself for getting through this. Only, the customer doesn’t collect the drink. In fact, the customer is leaning against the wall, looking at something on his phone. He didn’t notice his drink is ready.

Jisung clears his throat. The customer still doesn’t look up. 

He closes his eyes and tries to push down every single feeling that’s fighting to come out of him. 

“M-Minjun.” Another flash of thoughts assault Jisung's brain.

At the sound of his name, the customer looks up and smiles, walking over to grab his drink. He shoots out a _thanks_ before walking out the door, and suddenly Jisung is alone. 

He’s still frozen in the spot he called out the name in. His hands are shaking, his heart is racing, and he’s extremely dizzy. _Oh_ , Jisung thinks, _I’m forgetting to breathe._

He tries to inhale but it ends up being a lot harder than he thought, his throat closing in on itself and sounding more like a wheeze. Turning, he stumbles his way to the back room again, hoping to just _getoutgetoutgetout._

He pushes the door open as black spots begin to dance in his vision. 

“Jisung, I thought I told you t— woah, are you okay?” Yugyeom switches from pissed to concerned so fast that if Jisung wasn’t already dizzy, he would be just from that. 

Jisung doesn’t answer as he keeps walking (staggering) towards the door that leads out back. 

“Sung, man, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Yugyeom is now up and following Jisung outside. 

One thing Jisung has never understood is why people think they can ask him questions when he’s like this. _If I can barely breathe, what makes you think I’m gonna answer you, dumbass, just give me a literal second!_

Jisung makes it outside just as he loses his balance, falling towards the wall, just managing to catch himself while scraping his hand against the rough bricks. Ignoring the pain, he lowers himself to a sitting position with his back flat against the wall. He tips his head back and tries to open his airway as much as possible. His trembling body welcomes the cold weather.

After discovering he could probably have PTSD, Jisung had decided to research ways to deal with the anxiety. His mind is currently jumbled from lack of oxygen, but Jisung thinks he remembers something called square breathing.

_Inhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Exhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds._

Attempting to hold an inhale while panicking is a lot harder than it sounds. He tries his best to hold it, but his lungs retract and force a horrible burst of coughing as they fight his method. At the sound of Jisung struggling, Yugyeom sits down next to Jisung and offers him his hand. 

JIsung's never grabbed anything faster. 

With Yugyeom's hand to focus on, it’s a bit easier for Jisung to control his breathing. He succeeds in holding his breath, and after a measureless amount of time the pressure in his chest is released and Jisung can finally breathe normally. The world continues spinning around him as he closes his eyes and rests his head on his knees. 

_How did I just survive that._

Jisung can feel Yugyeom's eyes on him. “Sorry, that happens sometimes.” 

He hears Yugyeom chuckle at his bluntness. “What, do you crush a person’s hand every time, too? Jesus, I’ll probably have to go to the ER. I bet every bone is broken.” 

Jisung mumbles an apology, not in the mood for joking around. 

How could a single name cause all of this? The pictures that flashed through his mind after both hearing and saying the name were completely unexpected. It was like he relived certain memories in mere seconds. His mind was just a mantra of _whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck._

He felt attacked by his own brain. 

He wanted to place the blame all on the customer, but it’s not the guys fault he’s named after some horrible person Jisung just happened to meet first. _It’s my fault for overreacting,_ Jisung thinks. _Normal people wouldn’t have a whole anxiety attack over a name. I must be broken._

Throbbing in his left hand brings him out of his thoughts and he looks down to review the damage. Theres a pretty deep scrape going from the knuckle of his little finger down to his wrist. It’s only about two inches long, but it stings like hell. Jisung grimaces, imagining sitting in this germ infested alley way probably isn’t helping. 

Slowly, Jisung manages to stand up, feeling a head rush that makes his whole world spin again. Yugyeom stands as well, immediately going to his side to help with anything. He doesn’t want help.

“Yugyeom, I’m fine now.” It comes out as frustrated as he feels. 

Yugyeom awkwardly steps away. “Right. Sorry.” Jisung's heart breaks a little at the dejected sound of his coworker. He’s just trying to help and Jisung's being an asshole.

“No, I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me.” He offers a small smile. “Your hand did wonders.”

When Jisung arrives at Minho's house, the sun has already set. He’s had a couple hours to recoup and get his energy back, as well as bandage his hand up after disinfecting it. The gauze is wrapped securely around his left hand, but hardly noticeable with the sweater paws of his nice big sweatshirt. 

Minho and Jisung are already in that stage of friendship where they don’t need to knock on each other’s doors. Jisung walks right in.

“Minho! Royalty has arrived!” Jisung yells as he’s taking off his adidas by the front door. He immediately hears shuffling around upstairs and knows Minho heard him, so he walks over to the couch, deciding to already make himself comfortable in preparation for movie night. 

Minho’s house is considerably larger than Jisung’s tiny apartment, and for some reason Minho's parents are never home. Having just the two of them makes the house feel huge. It was weird at first, accepting the fact that Minho is much more rich than Jisung probably ever will be. But now, it’s just another thing about Minho. He likes cats, he hates attention, and he’s rich. 

Minho finally comes running down the stairs, dressed in a crewneck and joggers, plopping himself down right next to Jisung on the couch. “Hey, Sung.” They smile at one another, happy to finally be in each other’s presence again. "How was work today?”

That’s a normal question. They always ask each other about their days, and they always give the other a detailed answer. But today was something Jisung did not want to talk about. “Same old, same old.” He coughs. "How was your day? Did you get out of bed at all?”

Minho laughs. “Of course. I had to answer the door when my amazon prime order came.” 

Jisung shoves Minho as his laughter continues. “You’re such a loser.” The fondness was evident in his voice.

They eventually settle down and put on a scary movie. _It._ According to Minho, it’s one of the greatest movies ever. Jisung honestly didn’t care about the movie, he was more interested in the joy in Minho's eyes when he said yes to watching it. 

Following tradition, they make popcorn. While they were in the kitchen, Minho’s eyes caught Jisung's bandage and immediately questioned it. Jisung told him he burned himself on the steam wand at work. Minho told him to be more careful. 

Throwing a piece of popcorn in his mouth, Jisung settles down into the couch and sips his coca cola while staring at Minho's huge flatscreen. It’s basically a home theater. Minho quickly throws in the DVD and sits back down right next to Jisung. The couch is long but their sides are touching. Jisung smiles. 

Every time the kids curse, Minho just about loses it. Jisung doesn’t really find it funny, but he laughs along anyway, finding it easy to join Minho. At one point, Minho had laughed so hard that he had to shove his face into Jisung's shoulder. Somehow, they end up closer after that. 

By the time the movie ends, Minho’s practically in tears after going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Jisung's secretly happy it’s over. _Greatest movie ever? What’s Minho smoking?_

“So, what did you think of the movie?” Minho asks him while the end credits are still rolling, turning his body to face Jisung while putting his elbow on the top of the couch, resting his hand against his head. 

Jisung tilts his head. “It was okay.” Honestly, that was sugarcoating it. 

“What!” Minho almost throws the popcorn bowl that had been resting on their thighs from how fast he sits up. “What do you mean okay!? It’s okay!? Just okay!?”

“I said what I said.” Jisung states proudly, and grabs another handful of popcorn from Minho's lap. 

“I can’t believe this.” Minho almost sounds sad. “That was such a good movie. How could you not like that?” 

“Everything is subjective, Minho.”

Minho throws popcorn in his face. _“Everything is subjective, Minho.”_ He mimics, in an offensively high tone that’s supposed to sound like Jisung. “Honestly, what does that even mean?”

“It means not everyone has to like the same shit as you, dumbass!” Jisung throws the popcorn back at Minho. “Also, I don’t sound like that!”

Minho throws the popcorn again, which leads to a popcorn fight. Popcorn is getting all over the couch and the living room floor, but they don’t care. Their main goal is to defeat the other. 

“Say _It_ is a good movie!” Minho yells, finally just picking up the whole bowl and dumping it on Jisung.

“Never!” Jisung shouts back, as he throws the now empty (plastic) bowl at Minho's head. Minho quickly dodges it, but the look on his face is telling Jisung to run. 

“Oh my god, you could have just killed me! Come here!” Minho lunges after Jisung, probably trying to commit murder. So Jisung runs. 

He doesn’t get that far. His foot gets stuck on the carpet after his second step, and down he goes. Immediately, Minho seizes his chance and is on top of Jisung, pinning him down. 

“Say _It_ is a good movie right now!” Minho sits on Jisung's legs while pinning his arms to the floor. 

“No!” Jisung struggles to break Minho's hold. A tiny alarm goes off in his mind. 

“Say it!”

Jisung stops struggling, trying to make sense of what’s happening, and the room falls silent. Minho is leaning over Jisung's face, breathing heavily from all the physical exertion. 

It’s like time slows down. Jisung looks up into Minho's eyes to see Minho is already staring at him. He goes to move, but Minho's hold is still preventing him from any and all movement. 

“Minho.” Jisung says, softly. For some reason his body wants to panic. His heartbeat picks up, as does his breathing. 

Minho keeps staring at Jisung, seemingly lost in the moment. His gaze flicks down to Jisung's lips as he begins to lean down, and that’s when it happens. 

Suddenly, Jisung is back on the bed with three guys trying to have sex with him. He sees Minjun on top of him, telling him to relax and enjoy it. He feels Seojun’s hands pinning his arms above his head, leaving bruises. He hears Cheolsu’s laugh as Jisung struggles. The overwhelming feeling of wanting to _getoutgetoutgetout_ takes over. Jisung thrashes his body. 

Immediately, Minho is thrown backwards off Jisung. He catches himself and manages to sit upright. Minho shakes his head, unsure of what just happened. He doesn’t understand why Jisung would throw him off like that. Did he read the signs wrong? 

Jisung is still laying on the floor, trying to get the images out of his head. He can feel hands on his body, smell the weed and alcohol that was in the air. Jisung honestly can’t tell if he’s back there or not. 

“Jisung.” Minho's voice snaps him out of it, sounding crystal clear in contrast to the muffled sound of his memories. Jisung sits up quickly. Giving the room a quick survey, he realizes him and Minho are the only people in the room. As it should be. He lets out a deep sigh of relief, finally understanding what’s happening. Minho isn’t looking at him though. “Jisung, I’m sorry.”

_What?_ Jisung's thoughts are racing too much to understand that apology. His body is still on high alert, almost like it’s waiting for an attack. He can’t take it. _Getoutgetoutgetout._

Jisung doesn’t spare Minho another glance. He grabs his keys off the coffee table and runs out of the living room. It takes him several tries to actually get his shoes on, his body trembling too much to efficiently cooperate. 

“Sung-ah, wait!” Minho rounds the corner just as Jisung opens the front door. "Let’s talk about this.” 

Jisung doesn’t look back.

Minho watches as Jisung runs out to his car and drives away, leaving him confused with a broken heart. 


	9. Chapter 9

The moment you wake up from a nightmare is the most terrifying feeling there is. The split second between dream and reality may be small, but it bears so much. The confusion of not knowing exactly what’s happening (or the horror of knowing exactly what’s happening, depending on the scenario) can consume you. It’s ugly and hungry for control.

Nightmares are a full body experience as well as a full mind experience. Even though you’re sleeping the heart still races, muscles tightening as they get ready to fight or flight. In reality, it takes a second to wake up, but the adrenaline mixed with the horror, panic, and dread makes that second feel endless. 

It’s always the same for some people. They either wake up in a convulsive, jerky type of movement, almost as if literally jumping out of the dream. Others wake up frozen in fear, laying completely still, wide-eyed, hoping for any visual clue that’ll lead them to discover that they are in fact awake. 

Minho is no stranger to the latter. 

Ever since he was a kid he would have all sorts of crazy fucked up dreams. There was never any reasoning behind it—doctors told him he had a _very active imagination._

As he grew older he learned how to deal with them more personally, usually depending on sleep aids. He prefers higher dosages. 

Minho doesn’t talk about it because he simply never had anyone to tell. Since he could remember his parents were always working, almost never being around to raise him. He started staying home alone at the age of 8. He’s used to being in charge of himself. 

When his alarm goes off on Tuesday morning, Minho's already awake. _I must need to up my dosage._

Having that Monday off from school was supposed to be a godsend. Minho and Jisung were supposed to spend that whole day together. Only Minho had to fuck it up. _Murphy’s law always fucking gets me,_ Minho thinks. _Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Always always always._

Minho had tried contacting Jisung several different times. Calls, texts, and voicemails probably all went ignored in the storage of Jisung's phone. He just wants him to know he’s sorry. He must have read the signs all wrong. Minho genuinely thought Jisung liked him, until Jisung flinched away in disgust and then literally ran out of his house. He’s never felt more mortified. 

The mortification continues when Minho walks into photography on Tuesday morning only to see Jisung isn’t there. All energy drains out of his body at the sight of the abandoned seat. It feels wrong to see a space that usually holds the world look so _empty_.

Ten minutes after the bell rings, Minho gives up hope. Jisung didn’t come to school. 

_Was it because of me?_

He can’t focus throughout the whole class. Everyone around him is talking and working on their new projects, but Minho can only stare at the blank space in front of him and around him. Maybe he’s being dramatic. Or maybe he really does feel incomplete without Jisung. 

When the period ends, Minho doesn’t even think twice before opening a new text to Jisung. 

_i see you’re not here today. hope all is well :)_

He reads it over, then rereads it again, and again, and then one more time, until he’s 100% sure that’s what he wants to say. Minho presses send as he’s stepping out into the hallway. He watches the _delivered_ pop up under the text and feels his anxiety spike in anticipation for a text back. Realistically, he knows he won’t get one. 

Putting his phone away, Minho continues to his next class. But the moment he looks up, Minho comes face to face with another person. It’s too late to stop his momentum. 

The force of the other body sends Minho tumbling to the ground. He braces for impact, only it never comes. 

The other person _caught_ him. 

It takes a second to fully comprehend the position he’s in, and when Minho looks up his gaze falls right into the eyes of none other than Lee Felix. There’s another second of _holy shit_ before Minho is scrambling to stand on his own and get out of Felix's hold. 

“Woah, easy. Are you alright?” Felix asks as he tries to help Minho find his balance. 

“Y-yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” Minho looks up and then away because _wow freckles hello._ He clears his throat as he steadies himself. “I guess texting while walking can be pretty hazardous.” He adds a laugh to break the tension. Felix chuckles back but there’s some sort of tension gathering in the air. 

“You gotta watch where you’re going.” Felix says, and Minho blushes at the obvious instruction. Embarrassed, Minho's about to just walk away when Felix speaks up again. “Hey… it’s Minho, right?”

“Yeah, Minho. And you’re Felix. Jisung introduced us once.” At the mention of Jisung, Minho notices Felix's interest peak. 

“Speaking of Jisung, how is he doing?” That’s an awfully hard question to answer. Minho knows Jisung had some sort of falling out with his friends, but he's never said a word about it. Minho has no idea what lines he's crossing just by talking to Felix. 

“He’s okay, I guess.” Minho tries to respond confidently. A wave of protection surges over him, feeling like he’s somehow defending Jisung's honor. “Why?” Minho watches for any clue on Felix's face. Something that looks like guilt flashes through his eyes. 

“I’m just… worried, I guess.” Felix coughs awkwardly. "He told you what happened, right?”

Minho narrows his eyes. “What would he have told me?” Jisung tells Minho lots of things, like how he has poor color vision and one day hopes to own five different breeds of dogs. At the same time. One thing Jisung has never told Minho about is his feelings. Minho suddenly feels so much more isolated from Jisung than ever before.

“Oh, so he hasn’t.” Felix takes a step back. “I’m sorry, I should go. I’m glad he’s okay, though. I really am.” 

Before Minho can question him further, Felix is gone. Minho instantly feels unsettled. Is Jisung actually okay? The day Minho found him crying in the courtyard clearly demonstrated that Jisung was dealing with things that he hasn’t expressed yet, but does it tie into the falling out with his friends? Could it possibly tie into why he left so abruptly on Sunday?

Minho's head is spinning with all the what if’s bouncing around his brain. 

There’s only one thing he needs to make sure of; that Jisung is okay. 

Minho makes it to Jisung's apartment in record time. He’s only been there two times before but it’s easy to remember. _Eighth floor, third door on the left._ He can still hear Jisung's voice telling him for the first time. 

He stops before he knocks on the door, realizing how impulsive this was. He didn’t plan anything to say. Jisung might not even be home. 

Before he can psych himself out, he knocks. 

Silence.

Minho waits about 30 seconds before knocking again, this time with more energy. Minho’s craving to see that Jisung is okay.

He’s about to knock a third time when he hears the sounds of locks moving. The door suddenly opens and a red eyed, greasy haired Jisung is standing in front of him. _Beautiful_.

“Uh.” Jisung says, clearly not expecting to see Minho right now. Minho feels bad. 

“Hey!” Minho starts off, way too cheery for the current vibe. “Could I come in?” He sounds hopeful. 

Jisung stares at him for a while before finally stepping aside, allowing Minho access. He happily strides inside and takes a seat on a chair in the living room. 

Minho observes as Jisung, dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants, sits down on the couch and immediately curls in on himself, making him appear two times smaller. Minho frowns. 

“Why are you here, Minho.” It doesn’t come out as a question. It comes out scratchy and tired, like the vocal manifestation of Jisung’s appearance. Minho's frown deepens. 

“You didn’t come to school today. I was worried-“

“I know. I got your text.” Jisung snaps, full of sharp attitude. 

Minho is taken aback. “You’re upset with me.” Jisung says nothing. "I’m sorry for coming onto you this weekend. I never should’ve tried to kiss you like that. I crossed a line in our friendship and I understand if you don’t want to forgive me.” Minho's gaze falls to the floor, hoping to convey all of his regret and sorrow so Jisung will stop being so cold towards him. 

It’s silent for a second. Minho's thinking that Jisung is mulling over his apology, but a sniffle seizes his attention. He peers up to see Jisung close to tears, hiding his face in his sweater paws. 

Minho subconsciously reaches out to the younger boy, making an aborted motion, not knowing if he’s allowed to go and comfort him. “Jisung.” Minho calls out. Jisung shakes his head, not moving his hands from his face. “Jisung, how can I fix this.” Minho's voice breaks, echoing across the otherwise silent room. 

“It’s all my fault, Minho.” Jisung says shakily, trying so, so hard to keep the tears from spilling over.

Hearing the pain in Jisung's voice is what finally convinces Minho to cross the room and sit with the younger boy. He sits down right next to him, thighs touching as Minho puts his arm around Jisung's back as a way to offer support. He can feel the younger boy trembling. “What’s all your fault, Sung-ah?” 

Jisung then turns to Minho, looking right into his eyes with so much hurt and fear. “Can you promise that you won’t call me names? I think I can handle you walking out, but I don’t know if I’d bear hearing you say the things Hyunjin said.” 

Hyunjin called Jisung names? So this is about his argument with his friends. Minho is finally going to know the whole story. 

It’s funny that Jisung thinks Minho will walk out after telling him. Minho doesn’t think he could leave Jisung if he tried. 

“I’m right here, Sungie. You can tell me anything and I’ll still be right here. The only name I’ve ever called you is ‘angel’ and I’m gonna keep it that way, okay? Don’t worry about me.” Minho wants Jisung to understand that he’s safe. 

Jisung inhales shakily. He puts his head back in his hands as he starts to talk, not able to tell the story while looking at Minho. He starts from that summer night, explaining the events as unbiased as possible, and ends with a run-down of the way Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin had reacted. 

It’s a long and hard story to tell. Jisung has to take several breaks to catch his breath and stop himself from crying too hard. He never once looks at Minho. The only clue that the older boy is still there is the constant pressure on his side where their bodies are touching. Minho says nothing as he listens, taking in every word Jisung is saying. 

Minho didn’t expect this. He never would’ve guessed this in a million years. 

First of all, he’s only ever heard of girls getting raped. Not boys. It makes sense after hearing the story, but he’d never even thought of that possibility before. 

Second of all, he can’t believe how strong the boy sitting next to him is. It’s surreal to hear those events, hear such terrible things that happened, but have the victim right next to you. It’s unbelievable that Jisung is the boy in that story. Minho really, really doesn’t want to believe it.

When Jisung finally explains the way his friends reacted, everything becomes clear. 

As soon as Jisung finishes the story, he starts sobbing. His head is still in his hands and he’s curling in on himself in a way Minho's only seen puppies do when they’re afraid. _He thinks I’m gonna react like Hyunjin,_ Minho thinks. Fuck Hyunjin.

Minho embraces Jisung further, pulling the boy even closer than before and giving him a proper hug. It hurts Minho so bad to hear his cries now knowing everything he’s been through. Minho's own tears are threatening to spill, but he needs to be here for Jisung right now.

“Shhh.” Minho soothes as he tries to get Jisung to calm his crying. “It’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.” But that only makes Jisung cry harder, gripping onto Minho's shirt aggressively.

Minho's heart breaks. This must be the first time Jisung isn’t being turned away. This must be the first time someone is comforting him about the thing that ruined his life. Minho can’t stop his tears.

“I’m sorry, Jisung. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. None of it. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Minho says his words clearly, hoping Jisung can understand him through their tears. He runs a comforting hand along the back of Jisung's head, carding his fingers through his hair. 

Jisung eventually begins to calm down, but he doesn’t move. They stay there, Jisung in Minho's arms as they listen to each other’s breathing. It’s reassuring to both of them. 

Jisung's eyes are closed when Minho looks down. For a second he’s worried that the younger boy fell asleep on him, but then he speaks. “Thank you, hyung.”

Minho inhales sharply. _Hyung_.

Early on in their friendship, Jisung had jokingly suggested that he drop honorifics with Minho, considering they’re in the same grade. Minho had instantly agreed. He never really cared for the hyung title. 

“Please don’t call me that.” Minho says, tearing up again. 

Jisung frowns and sits up. “Oh, I’m sorry-“

“No, _I’m_ sorry.” Minho looks right into Jisung's eyes. “None of that was your fault. Please believe me. You did everything you could. You’re not at fault.” Minho's practically pleading.

Jisung removes himself from Minho. “Do you really believe that?” He questions with doubt written all over his face. “Hyunjin said-“

“Fuck Hyunjin!” Minho yells, making Jisung jump at the sudden outburst. “What Hyunjin said isn’t true, and you know it. He’s a piece of shit who doesn’t understand the concept of rape. You didn’t want it, Jisung. It’s not your fault no one else in that room understood that!” 

Minho is breathing heavily after his little rant, unable to conceal his anger. Jisung is looking down at his hands, playing with them as uncertainty clouds his face. “You honestly believe that?” 

Minho closes the distance once again, lifting Jisung's head by placing a hand under his chin and connecting their eyes. “I do.” So much sincerity is placed in those two words. 

Jisung's face crumbles for the second time that day. 

At that moment, Minho vowed to himself to stay by Jisung's side through his healing process. He wanted nothing more than to see the younger boy be happy once again. 

Minho would do anything. 


	10. Chapter 10

Jisung stares at Minho. 

They’re currently in the cafeteria, sitting across from each other while eating their lunch. Minho is rambling about _something_ , Jisung couldn’t even tell you if he tried, and he can’t help but stare. 

_Minho is amazing._

Ever since Jisung told Minho everything, he’s been nothing short of amazing. Jisung fully expected Minho to push him away and call him disgusting or tell him he’s overreacting. He didn’t expect Minho to (literally) pull him closer and tell him everything’s okay. He never even dreamed of someone comforting him like that, but Minho proved him wrong. 

The following day was even better. Minho had brought Jisung over to his house afterwards where they continued their movie marathon, and ended up falling asleep on the couch together. When they both woke up late, they decided to just skip school and take a day for themselves. 

They talked a lot that day. Minho asked questions to better understand Jisung's feelings, and Jisung shared things with Minho that he’d never imagined himself sharing with anyone. 

_“Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all,”_ Jisung had said, _“other times I feel so much that I wish it would stop and go back to the numbness.”_

Minho hated the blank look in Jisung's eyes. Hated the way the boy talked so defeatedly, as if losing a battle. 

_“Why haven’t you put Hyunjin in his place yet?”_ Minho had asked after a particularly long silence. When Jisung didn’t respond, Minho continued to push. _“Seungmin and Felix are obviously on your side, maybe if you-“_

_“Obviously?!”_ Jisung had laughed then. A bitter, frozen laugh that left a cold feeling in Minho's chest. _“Yeah, they’re so obviously on my side with the ignoring me and letting their boyfriend call me a liar and a slut.”_ Jisung's voice had risen considerably, but broke on the last syllable. _“When I told them not to bother me, I didn’t actually mean it, Minho. I miss my friends. I hate how alone I feel without them.”_ Jisung then started to cry, a sight Minho was growing used to seeing. 

_“I’m sorry. Next time you feel alone, come to me. You always have me.”_

Jisung remembers the sincerity in Minho's voice when he said that. It ignited a warm feeling inside of him that he hasn’t felt for months. Looking at Minho now, sitting in their shitty cafeteria, eyes bright while talking about something he’s clearly passionate about, Jisung decides not to fight it anymore. 

He smiles, and lets Minho's warmth engulf him. 

(They don’t talk about the kiss. Well, the _almost_ kiss. 

To be fair, it’s easy to pretend they like forgot about it. So much happened in the aftermath that they both decided to just move forward. It’s like their friendship was split into two different time periods; before Minho found out and after Minho found out. 

Before Minho found out, there was a distance between them. Always some sort of underlying tension.

After Minho found out, it’s like all boundaries were erased. They became one person, always together, never afraid to share what one is feeling with the other. 

Somewhere along the way, the kiss got lost in translation.)

The next day is a good day. Jisung had finished all of his homework early and gone to bed way before he usually does, giving him much more sleep than he’s gotten in ages. He feels refreshed and energized, ready to take on anything the world has to throw at him. 

Like an F. 

Dropping his jaw, Jisung takes in the big fat letter on the test that his science teacher just handed back. His first ever F. How could he have failed? He remembers feeling pretty confident taking the test. This must be a mistake. 

Hesitantly, Jisung stands up and makes his way to his teacher’s desk. It’s cluttered, with papers and notebooks and sticky-notes scattered all around the table. Mr. Jeon was never one for organization. 

His teacher is currently writing something, head down and glasses on. Jisung clears his throat 

“Mr. Jeon?” He tries to keep his voice low so other students don’t overhear.

His teacher looks up. “Yes, Jisung?”

“I-I was just wondering if there’s any chance you misgraded this?” He hands the teacher his test. “I don’t think I should’ve gotten that grade.” 

Mr. Jeon takes the test from him and gives it a once-over. Jisung bites his lip, hoping to hear something positive. 

“Yeah,” His teacher says after a minute, “I remember grading this. I was very surprised by how poorly you did. I thought you were a better student, Jisung-ah.” Jisung's stomach drops. “You need to study more. I didn’t misgrade anything.”

Jisung can’t believe this. He actually got an F. 

Taking the test back, he bows without a word and heads back to his seat. There’s a heavy feeling in the center of his stomach, growing with every step he takes. 

He wonders how low his over-all course grade must be right now. 

Just as he’s re-arranging his mental schedule to add more study time, he hears muffled laughing coming from his right. Glancing over, he accidentally makes eye contact with Hyunjin, who quickly looks away but keeps laughing. _Huh_. 

The stone in Jisung's stomach gets heavier. Was Hyunjin just laughing at Jisung? Did he hear the conversation?

Jisung feels his face go hot at the embarrassment of someone else knowing how much of a failure he is. He groans and stuffs his face in his hands. _So much for a good fucking day._

“Why the long face?” 

“Are you saying my head’s big?” 

Minho sits down across from Jisung, hanging his bag off the back of his chair. Jisung had come to the library for lunch instead of the cafeteria, hoping to avoid Minho. Of course Minho found him. 

Minho chuckles. “Your head is actually pretty small, if you wanna get into that, but that’s not what I meant.”

“You have a small head too, you know.” Jisung mutters, not wanting to address the real meaning behind Minho's words. 

He has his science textbook open to the current chapter they’re learning, and he was actually getting some decent studying done before Minho decided to distract him. 

“Did something happen?”

Fuck Minho. Fuck Minho and his stupid sixth sense of knowing when there’s something wrong. Fuck Minho and his stupid big doe eyes that he knows he’ll see the second he looks up. Fuck Minho and his huge, caring heart that Jisung doesn’t deserve to be in. _Fuck Minho._

Jisung sighs and closes his textbook, knowing he won’t actually get any more studying done. “I failed my science test.”

Minho's eyebrows shoot upwards. “Failed? Like, failed failed?” 

Minho looks good today. He’s wearing a blue hoodie that’s a little too big for his frame, which ultimately leaves anyone who looks at him with an urge to cuddle. It makes it worse that his hair is all fluffed and wavy, as if he spent the day ruffling it with his hands. The whole look screams _Minho_ and Jisung has had enough of it. 

“Yes, I failed failed the test. That’s why my head is long.”

“That’s not what-“

“And do you want to know something worse than me failing a test?” Jisung talks right over Minho.

“What’s worse than you failing a test?” Minho actually looks concerned. God bless his heart. 

“Hwang Hyunjin laughing at me because he heard that I failed a test.” Jisung had meant to say it as a joke, but it came out sounding as insecure as he feels, so he busies himself with flipping through his math folder, not in the mood to see pity in his friend’s eyes. 

An old notes sheet catches his eye from when he was learning about the quadratic formula. He smiles at all of the doodles he drew around the equations instead of actually solving them. _Hmm, maybe I do need to work harder._

“Wait, Hyunjin actually laughed at you?” Minho sounds like he’s in disbelief. Jisung nods his head. _Tell me about it._ “Why is he so fucking annoying! Can he leave you alone for two seconds?”

Jisung looks up at the unexpected outburst to see Minho looking pissed. “Woah Minho, it’s fine. Maybe if I wasn’t so dumb-“

“Stop. That’s not even something to laugh at!” Minho’s voice is getting louder with every word. Jisung's sure people are looking. 

“Minho, you stop. I’m not even that mad about it. He can laugh at whatever he wants. It was just really embarrassing.” He feels his cheeks get hot again at the reminder. He moves on to his AP Gov folder. 

“You know he’s an actual piece of shit. Literal garbage. The scum on my shoe.”

“I know, Minho.”

“How can someone so horrible exist? His soul must be so ugly.”

“Mhmm.”

“And he has not one, but two boyfriends! What do they see in him?!”

Jisung has finally heard enough. He closes his Ap Gov folder with a _slap_. “Minho, this isn’t making me feel any better.” There’s a bite behind his words, warning Minho to actually shut up about it. “I used to be best friends with them, you know. They’re not all that bad.” 

He doesn’t know why he feels offended at Minho saying such mean things about them, but he does and it’s bothering him. Even more than Hyunjin laughing at him. 

Maybe too much sleep can also create bad days. 

Jisung stays moody after that. 

Minho watches as Jisung rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time since they’ve started their trek to gym. He can’t help but find it cute. Endearing. Adorable. Just so _Jisung_. 

It’s obvious the younger boy isn’t actually mad at him. Minho knows Jisung has had a rough day, whether he wants to admit it or not. His stubbornness is one of the main things Minho likes about him. Has he mentioned he’s endeared? 

Minho likes to play a game with himself where he sees how many times he can make Jisung laugh. Right now, it’s extremely difficult with the attitude Jisung keeps shooting at him, but Minho enjoys the challenge. He enjoys the witty banter they share together during moments like this. He enjoys this friendship so much.

Minho smiles as Jisung calls him an idiot. 

When Minho sees Hyunjin in the locker room, he can’t hold back his sour facial expression. 

Jisung has gone silent as well, and Minho is willing to bet all of their classmates can feel the negative energy the both of them are exuding. Even Seungmin tuns to give them a questioning look. Jisung rolls his eyes again. Minho bites back a smile. 

After changing, they walk out into the gym where they notice two huge goals set up at either end of the room.

Oh right.

Soccer. 

Minho had nearly forgotten that they’ve moved into the soccer unit. Their past couple of classes had consisted of learning the rules and techniques of the game, and their teacher has eagerly been awaiting the day they could finally have a class match. 

Jisung sighs from behind him. “I forgot today is the match. I was hoping we could just fuck around again with the balls.” He sounds so dejected, Minho can’t even find it in himself to make a dirty joke. 

Minho hums and leans his body towards the younger boy. “As long as we’re on the same team, it’ll be fine.”

They don’t end up on the same team. 

Coach randomly places everyone on teams, claiming an unorganized approach would make the game fair. Minho disagrees. 

Seungmin and Jisung are on the same team, as well as Felix, but everyone knows the first two are the best players in the class. Minho volunteers to be the goalie for his team, not wanting to do much. His limbs are long, he figures. How hard could it really be?

Apparently pretty fucking hard. 

Jisung and Seungmin are ruthless with their scoring. To anyone else, they probably just look really passionate about the game, but Minho knows Jisung is trying to score more than Seungmin, trying to let off steam from the F he received earlier. 

Minho feels for him, he really does, but he’d appreciate it if he’d stop aiming for his head. 

Hyunjin is the only good defense on Minho's team. There’s a moment where Jisung is getting ready to score, but Hyunjin's on him. Frustrated, Jisung tries to pass to Seungmin, but Hyunjin ends up stealing the ball anyway. Minho shakes his head.

Jisung now looks properly pissed. Minho's breath gets caught in his throat. 

It’s wrong. It’s so wrong of Minho to be attracted to Jisung in a moment like this, but he can’t help it. The flushed look on his cheeks, tainting them pink. Pink, like his lips. Full lips that he keeps licking and biting in concentration between plays. 

Minho bites his lip, too. He watches as Jisung gets ready for the next play, bending his legs and leaning forward, shaking his sweaty bangs out of his eyes. His calves look good. Tan. Minho can’t help but wonder if the rest of Jisung is that tan. 

Coach blows the whistle, and Minho's eyes follow as Jisung successfully gets hold of the ball. His movements and positioning are just so _sharp_ and _precise_ that it’s almost captivating to watch. Minho can’t look away. 

In fact, Minho is so caught up in watching the boy that he doesn’t pay attention to the ball at all, and Jisung ends up easily scoring. So much for being a goalie. 

Some members of his team give him an incredulous look, as if asking _how can you be that bad at being a goalie_ but Minho ignores them. _It’s fucking gym class, not the world cup._

Everything goes to shit in the next play. 

Jisung, talented as ever, secures the ball again and begins to sprint down the gym, a clear path ahead. Minho gets ready to jump out of the way, not wanting to get hit by the ball _again_ with that much momentum behind it. 

Just as Jisung's approaching the penalty box, Hyunjin comes out of nowhere. He races full speed towards Jisung, clearly attempting to intercept. Neither of them stop. 

Hyunjin slide tackles Jisung. 

Minho watches in slow motion as Hyunjin’s leg sweeps in front of Jisung's path, catching both of his ankles, sending Jisung to the ground with a slam. 

There’s an audible gasp, and Minho belatedly realizes it was himself who did it. 

Time speeds up again as multiple things happen at once. Coach blows the whistle, the ball slams into the bleachers, and Jisung cries out. 

_Jisung cries out._

Minho's feet are moving without his permission, and in the blink of an eye he’s crouching down next to Jisung. The boy is laying on his back, eyes pinched shut in pain. Minho can’t tell what hurts. 

“Sung-ah, are you hurt?” His voice sounds panicked. He realizes that was a stupid question. “Tell me where you’re hurt.” He tries to remove the panic from his voice but he can’t. Jisung is hurt. Hyunjin hurt Jisung. _Hyunjin hurt Jisung._

Before Jisung even has the chance to respond, Minho is standing up and marching towards Hyunjin, who is standing off to the side. 

“What the fuck was that for?!” Minho yells, getting closer with every step. 

“I didn’t mean to-“ Hyunjin tries to defend himself, but Minho's not having it. 

“No. What the _literal_ _fuck_ was that for, huh?!” He’s in his face now. 

“I was just trying to-“

“You hurt him on purpose!” Minho accuses, pushing Hyunjin and sending him stumbling backwards into the wall. 

“I swear I didn’t!” Hyunjin says as he holds his hands up. Minho sees red. 

“Yes you fucking did, you asshole!” 

“It was an accident, what the hell!”

“Minho and Hyunjin, quit it right now!” Coach yells as he runs towards them. 

Minho says nothing else but continues to glare into Hyunjin's eyes, silently promising to kill him. The apologetic look on Hyunjin's face is almost believable. Almost.

“Coach, I really didn’t mean to hurt Jisung, I swear! I was just practicing the slide tackle we learned the other day.” Hyunjin pleads to the teacher. Minho almost gags at how innocent he’s trying to sound. 

“It’s okay, Hyunjin, accidents happen.” Coach says calmly, looking between both boys. Minho almost jumps in, but Coach continues. “The important thing is that Jisung's okay.”

Minho's head whips around. 

Jisung is still on the ground, but he’s sitting up, no pain evident on his face. He’s nodding to something Felix is saying, who is sitting next to him with a hand placed on his back and a concerned look clouding his features. Minho runs over. 

“Hey,” He greets Jisung, cautiously eyeing Felix and Seungmin who are around him for _some reason_. “Are you okay?”

Jisung looks up into Minho's eyes and nods silently. There’s a quick flash of _leave it alone_ that Jisung seems to communicate through the look, but then he replaces it with a smile. 

The fakest smile Minho has ever seen. 

Coach quickly dismisses the class after that, giving everyone extra time to calm down from the chaos of the period. 

Jisung's chest has never felt tighter. 

He _knows_ Hyunjin targeted him on purpose. He knows it wasn’t just an accident. His ex best friend actually hates him that much that he feels the need to physically attack him in class. And _everyone saw._

The worst thing about feeling embarrassed is how the emotion seems to triple when someone brings attention to it. Of course it was sweet of Minho to worry, but he made too big of a deal out of it. Even Seungmin and Felix did, too. 

Sure, maybe Jisung's left knee and wrist will both have some bruises, but it’s nothing to fret over. It’s just _embarrassing_. 

_I always look so weak in the eyes of others._

Changing in the locker room is hard after that. Minho wants to stay by his side, but Jisung wants him to leave him alone. When he comes out of the bathroom stall, now dressed in his school clothes again, he makes a beeline for his bag and then he’s out the door. 

Only one period left. All he has to do is get through his Language Arts class and then he can go home and cry himself to sleep. In fact, he’s looking forward to it. 

But, as he’s finally walking out of the school doors, earbuds hanging from his phone as he looks for a playlist, he crosses paths with Minho. Again. 

Jisung internally sighs. It’s a Thursday so they didn’t make any plans together, but he can feel how Minho is about to ask him something. 

“Sung-ah?” Minho calls from a couple meters to his left. Jisung could pretend he didn’t hear him, but he’s getting tired of pretending so much. 

Jisung looks over and locks eyes with Minho, letting him know he heard him. Minho offers a little smile and he just looks so _soft_ and _cute_ that Jisung has to scream in his mind to get himself together. 

“Do you want to come over?” Minho asks, now basically beside Jisung. They’re not walking in the direction of Minho's car but apparently that doesn’t bother Minho. 

“I don’t know, Minho. I’m kind of tired. Was hoping to go home and nap.” Jisung responds with as much energy as he can muster. He doesn’t want to sound rude, but he’s craving the idea of being alone and in bed right now. Minho's feelings can take one for the team. 

“Oh.” Minho says, and stops walking. This catches Jisung's attention fast. It was so unlike Minho to just accept rejection like that. Jisung stops as well, and turns to face Minho. 

“We can do something tomorrow?” Jisung offers, feeling bad after seeing the lost look on Minho's face. 

“Yeah, no, you’re right. You’ve had a rough day, you deserve some alone time. I just thought- I thought you’d enjoy company or something but that’s stupid.” Minho's looking down at his feet, scuffing his shoes on the pavement as if he doesn’t know what else to do. 

Jisung feels extremely caught off guard right now. This isn’t how Minho normally acts. If anything, it’s always Jisung begging to make plans, not the other way around. 

But he’s _tired_. He’s so tired right now that he really can’t be held accountable for the words that fall from his lips when he says, “Do you want to come to mine? You could do homework in the kitchen or something while I nap, and then afterwards we could get dinner together.”

Minho nods, still not making eye contact with the younger boy. “I’d like that.” 

A thought crosses Jisung's mind. _Maybe Minho's the one who doesn’t want to be alone right now._ It makes his chest feel even tighter. He takes a deep breath and walks towards Minho, grabbing his arm and turning them in the direction of Minho's car. “You’re not allowed to judge me for how messy my room is.”

Jisung sees Minho's lips twitch out of the corner of his eye. He knows he made the right call. 


	11. Chpater 11

When Jisung comes to, he notices how _warm_ he is, which is unusual for November. With the warmth comes pressure, and he freezes when he hears breathing. 

There’s someone in his bed with him. 

He tries to squash down the panic that attempts to take over him. Taking a deep breath, he flips around quickly to face the culprit, fight or flight mode activated. All tension leaves his body when he sees Minho's sleeping face. He almost laughs when he thinks about it. _Who else would it be? Of course it’s Minho._

Minho has his mouth partially open, breathing slowly and evenly like he’s been in a deep sleep for a while. His arms are wrapped around Jisung’s waist and Jisung's can’t help but blush when he realizes how close they are. 

He so badly wants to check what time it is, but he can’t find a good enough reason to potentially wake Minho up. The position they’re in right now just feels so warm and safe, and _right_. 

Jisung had never thought he’d enjoy being this close to another person, but maybe Minho isn’t just another person. 

He lies there for a while, forgetting all his worries as it gradually gets darker outside. Jisung burns Minho's face into his memory, wondering how someone so beautiful can exist right in front of him. The sun is almost set when Minho starts to wake, making the room a gloomy dark blue. 

Minho suddenly blinks his eyes awake, and Jisung quickly shuts his own, feigning sleep. He hears a sharp but quiet inhale, and feels Minho's fingers brush his bangs out of his face. It feels like a weirdly intimate moment, and the fact that Minho doesn’t know Jisung is actually awake only fuels the weirdness. He pretends he doesn’t love it. 

Jisung opens his eyes, acting like he’s just waking up, and takes in the surprised expression the older is now wearing. He also notes the new blush sitting high on Minho's face. Cute. 

“Good morning, Minho,” Jisung greets softly. There’s a smile tugging at his lips and he thinks he can see one on Minho's face too. 

“It’s definitely not morning, Sung-ah,” comes Minho's raspy voice, and Jisung promises himself to try to hear that voice as many times as possible. 

“Why are you in my bed?” Jisung asks with a teasing chuckle. He proudly watches as the blush on Minho's face grows. _I did that._

“I finished all of my homework early and decided I needed to nap too, and your bed just looked so warm…” Minho's voice trails off, along with his gaze down to the sheets. He looks like he wants the earth to swallow him whole. Jisung knows it was a little rude to put him on the spot like that, but Minho's too cute to not do it. 

“It’s okay,” Jisung can’t help but giggle. This whole scenario is just too perfect for him to believe. “I’m pretty sure the only reason it’s warm is because you’re here.” 

Oh. That sounded less flirtatious in his head. 

Minho seems to be rendered speechless, if his wide eyes and ever reddening cheeks are anything to go by. It’s silent for a couple moments before Jisung coughs awkwardly and sits up, reaching over Minho to grab his phone. He checks the time, 6:53 p.m., but a notification catches his eye. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The words are out of his mouth before he knows it, but he can’t process anything other than the words written on his screen. 

_**Lixie:** can we talk? _

Minho sits up as well, yawning before asking, “What?” and Jisung would’ve been disgustingly endeared if he wasn’t about to have a panic attack. 

Sensing his distress, Minho leans over and glances at his screen. He scoffs. “Is he fucking serious?” 

Jisung is relieved that Minho is just as upset as him, but that does’t help. “Sh-Should I? Talk to him?” He doesn’t even know why he’s asking. He shouldn’t be entertaining the thought of talking to any of them ever again. 

There’s always been a tiny part of Jisung that misses his old friends. They had so many good times. They knew everything about each other. He misses them. 

“What do you think he wants to talk to you about?” Minho asks softly, probably aware of the emotional turmoil Jisung is going through inside his head. 

“M-Maybe what happened in gym class? It was really nice of him to help me. Or maybe he wants to talk about Hyunjin? Or their relationship? What if they broke up because of how Hyunjin's been treating me? Or what if Felix wants to tell me to fuck off and blame everything on me again!? I bet he’s with Seungmin and Hyunjin right now and they’re planning to-“ His own lungs cut him off, restricting his airflow and sending shooting pain throughout his chest. He gasps, reaching out for anything to grab a hold of. 

Minho's hand grabs his. 

“Jisung, breathe,” Minho says in a calming way. He didn’t even realize he fell onto Minho in his haste to inhale. 

(If Jisung was in his right mind, he would see that he’s leaning back onto Minho's chest while they’re holding hands. He would also see how scared Minho looks.) 

Jisung clenches his hand around Minho's, trying to inhale, but a broken sob comes out instead. He feels overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts swirling around his mind. It’s like they’re yelling at him all at once. 

“Minho, I can’t breathe,” Jisung all but wheezes. Too dizzy with lack of oxygen, he hardly notices when Minho repositions himself to be right in front of Jisung. 

“Hey,” he says softly, “hey, look at me. Look into my eyes.” 

Jisung barely comprehends the words, but manages to make eye contact. Minho's eyes are wide with fear but there’s determination in them as well. 

“It’s okay. It’s all okay,” Minho's breathy voice rings in his ears. “Believe me, everything’s okay.” 

Something in Minho's voice begins to soothe Jisung, unlocking the ball of pressure constricting his chest. He gasps again, and when he finally gets ahold of his breath, he can’t hold back the tears of embarrassment. 

Minho knits his eyebrows as he watches the younger begin to sob. He pulls Jisung back down onto the bed, letting him cry it out. 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung whispers into Minho's chest, and positions his face to rest on the older’s collarbone. 

“It’s okay,” Minho repeats. They lie there like that for a while, the room eventually turning black as the sun fully sets and Jisung's tears run out. 

“What the fuck is a ‘cackleberry'?” 

“It’s another word for egg.” 

“That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Minho laughs and shakes his head. “Clearly you’ve never heard yourself say anything ever.” 

Jisung throws him an unimpressed look. “You’ve had better jokes, Lee.” 

Minho just shrugs and accepts it. 

After finally getting out of bed, they had decided to head to a diner downtown. It’s an old place that’s been around since probably the beginning of time, but Jisung had never actually eaten there before. Of course, when Minho asked about what kind of place they should eat at, Jisung suggested somewhere they’ve both never eaten, which was basically everywhere for Minho. The diner was a good choice. Except now Jisung is judging the place for putting _cackleberry_ on the menu. 

The neon sign on the window next to them flickers a little. There’s a light buzzing sound coming from it as well, but it’s drowned out by the old music playing. Jisung loves the atmosphere so much, he has to squash the urge to take a picture of Minho. A perfect person in a perfect place. 

He takes a mental picture instead. 

A nice waiter comes over and takes their orders, but before he can walk away Minho stops him. “Oh, and can we also have an extra large chocolate milkshake, two straws?” 

Jisung heart flutters. _What?_ He silently looks at Minho with questioning eyes. 

Minho coughs awkwardly, “You know, to save money and stuff.” 

“Right,” Jisung responds, biting back a smile at the obvious lies. 

Movement behind Jisung catches Minho's eye. He freezes as he sees Felix and Seungmin enter the diner, followed by Hyunjin. They’re laughing at something, and at the sound of their laughter Jisung freezes too. _Fuck_. 

There’s dread sitting at the bottom of Jisung's stomach now. He smiles sadly, “I can’t even have one good thing, can I?” 

Minho's heart breaks. “Just ignore them, Sung-ah. It’s only you and me, okay?” He reaches across the table and grabs Jisung's hand. 

Jisung squeezes his hand in response, blinking back tears. It’s pathetic that something like this would make him cry, but he’s just so upset about it. He was genuinely enjoying the night after getting over his panic attack. Every time he’s enjoying himself, something happens that snaps him back to reality. It feels like he can’t escape. 

Minho tries really hard to distract him, bringing up random topics like anime and schoolwork. Jisung can tell what Minho's trying to do, so he pretends like he’s having a good time. It’s exhausting, but it puts a smile on Minho’s face, so it’s worth it. He thinks it’s cute that Minho cares so much. 

Their food comes quickly; a burger for Minho and an omelet for Jisung. When the milkshake arrives, Minho shyly takes a sip before sliding it to the center of the table. “It’s good. You should try it.” 

Jisung feels his face heat up as he leans forward and uses the second straw to drink it. The cool sweetness hits his tongue instantly, making the younger smile. “Good choice, Lee.” 

Minho makes an exasperated noise. “You gotta stop calling me ‘Lee'. It’s weird because literally half the population has that last name.” 

Jisung chuckles dryly. “Whatever you say, Lee.” 

They continue to eat and talk, but about halfway through their meal Minho's eyes catch something again. This time, he watches as Hyunjin gets up from his table and walks towards the bathrooms. _I can’t even have one good thing, can I_ echoes through Minho's mind. 

Jisung didn’t see Hyunjin go into the bathroom. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna use the bathroom.” Minho tells Jisung, already making his way out of the booth. 

“Okay, but it’s not my fault if the milkshake is gone when you’re back!” Jisung says as Minho's walking away. He sighs and continues sipping the chocolatey beverage. 

Minho opens the bathroom door and quickly scans under the stalls to make sure no one is in them. Hyunjin is standing at the sink washing his hands. Closing the door, Minho leans against it, blocking the only exit. He clears his throat and Hyunjin immediately makes eye contact with him through the mirror. 

Turning the sink off and grabbing a paper towel, Hyunjin turns around to face Minho. “Hi. Minho, is it?” 

“We’ve met.” Minho's voice is sharp and cold, almost echoing in the silence of the bathroom. 

Hyunjin looks at him for a moment before sighing, “Look-“ 

“No, you look.” Minho cuts him off. “I don’t know what you have against Jisung, but I’m gonna need you to drop it.” 

Hyunjin gulps. “What happened between me and Jisung is none of your business.” His voice is steady but his darting eyes give him away. Minho feels a surge of power. He's effectively intimidating him. 

“None of my business?” Minho takes a step forward. “What happened between you and Jisung became my business when you decided to turn his only friends against him.” 

“I never-“ 

“You need to get over yourself, Hyunjin.” Minho continues walking up to him. “Slut shaming isn’t cool anymore. It’s the twenty-first century. Caring about your friends is a thing now.” 

“Please get away from me,” Hyunjin says, voice small. 

Minho scoffs and keeps getting closer. “I’m not listening to anything you say until you admit you’re in the wrong.” 

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything else, keeping his eyes on the ground as Minho fully approaches him. 

Minho leans in to Hyunjin’s left side and whispers, “You’re a coward, Hwang Hynjin.” 

A stuttered sob echoes around the bathroom, and Minho takes a step back in shock as Hyunjin starts to cry. “Okay!” Hyunjin basically yells. “You’re right! I’m a horrible fucking person!” He hiccups as he tries to stop crying but the tears keep coming. 

“What-“ Minho tries, but Hyunjin keeps going. 

“I can’t even begin to explain what I’ve been feeling all this time. Seungminnie and Felixie have tried to understand but I don’t even understand it myself, so can you please just drop it! We get it! I suck!” 

Minho scoffs. “Well, yeah, but don’t make this about you. This is about Jisung.” 

That just makes Hyunjin cry harder. Minho has never been more confused in his life. “I know this isn’t about me, I never wanted it to be about me!” 

“Then why did you say all that shit to Jisung?” Minho asks, heart beating in suspense of the answer he’s been waiting for this whole time. 

Hyunjin continues to sniffle as he tries to get his crying under control. He looks up at the ceiling for a moment, getting himself together, before speaking. “I-“ 

“What the fuck is going on here?” 

Minho silently curses as he turns to face Seungmin, who apparently just walked in. He _knew_ he shouldn’t have left the door unblocked. 

“Seungmin, it’s okay.” Hyunjin says defeatedly. 

“Why are you crying?” Seungmin rushes past Minho to put his arm around Hyunjin, comforting him. He shoots a glare at Minho. “What did you say to him?” 

“I simply asked why he’s so dead set on ruining Jisung life,” Minho says, shrugging. He feels no sympathy. 

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?” Seungmin asks with irritation in his voice. 

“I had to literally talk Jisung through a panic attack earlier because your _boyfriend_ decided to text him and overwhelm him with anxiety. So I don’t know, Seungmin, am I being dramatic?” The reality of Minho’s words seem to really hit Hyunjin as he begins crying harder into Seungmin's side. 

“Hey,” Seungmin says softly to Hyunjin, ignoring Minho. “Hey, are you okay?” Worry is laced in his voice. 

Hyunjin just nods sadly, wiping his face from the tears. “God, I’m gonna need so much therapy after this.” He attempts to laugh but it gets caught in his throat. Seungmin tightens his hold. 

Minho rolls his eyes. “Uh huh, right. Just, please, never say anything to Jisung ever again, okay?” 

Hyunjin quickly shakes his head. “No. No, actually I want to talk to him. Now.” 

“Now?! Are you crazy?!” Minho's voice raises in pitch. “Earlier today you literally attacked him, and now you suddenly want to be his friend?” 

“I need to apologize.” He looks into Minho's eyes, pleading. “I don’t want him to be upset because of me anymore.” 

Minho laughs at that. “A little too late.” 

Hyunjin deflates, looking even more sad than before. Minho's confusion grows. 

“Jinnie, how about we all talk? As a group? That way Minho is there for Jisung and Lixie and I will be there for you,” Seungmin suggests. 

“I wasn’t even gonna let them talk alone anyway,” Minho adds. 

“Perfect, let’s go now.” Seungmin begins to head towards the door. 

“Really? After the day Jisung had? No thanks.” Minho moves to block the door once again. 

“And who are you to decide for him?” Seungmin looks him up and down, unimpressed. 

Minho pauses. He hates to admit it, but Seungmin's right. He is in no position to decide anything for Jisung. He steps aside, letting Seungmin and Hyunjin leave, silently praying that this doesn’t make things worse. 

“Wait, what?” Jisung asked, not believing what Minho had just said. 

“I ran into Hyunjin in the bathroom and I think he wants to apologize.” Minho calmly repeats. Jisung turns his head to look at the table Hyunjin was previously sitting at with his boyfriends, but it’s deserted. “They went back to Seungmin's house and asked us to meet them there,” Minho continues, “but you can say no.” 

“I want to go.” Jisung says instantly. Minho furrows his eyebrows. 

“Are you sure? You didn’t even think about it.” 

Jisung rapidly nods his head. “Yes, I’m sure. I don’t need to think about anything.” He starts to pull money from his wallet to pay for their food. 

“Woah, hold on.” Minho quickly says, in disbelief at how fast Jisung agreed. “You actually want to hear him out? Hwang Hyunjin— your slut shaming, slide tackling ex best friend?” 

Jisung slams the money on the table and looks up at Minho. “ _Exactly_. We used to be best friends. I know him, Minho. I know this apology is going to be meaningful.” 

Minho sighs. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again. When Felix texted you about talking, you couldn’t handle it. Now Hyunjin wants to talk and suddenly you’re up and at ‘em?” 

“I was actually considering texting Felix back,” Jisung admits, "but going to talk to them now would definitely be better.” 

Minho goes silent. He’ll never be able to figure Jisung out. The unpredictability of his actions keeps throwing him off. He’s never met anyone this complex. 

Jisung gets up, making his way out of the diner and into Minho's car. Minho reluctantly follows, turning off the radio as soon as he starts the car. 

The drive is full of tension. 

Jisung's leg won’t stop bouncing. He’s just so anxious. The situation he’s about to be in is so unpredictable. Will they make up? Will they fight again? Will anything get resolved? All he can hope for is no tears. If he cries in front of someone one more time, he might as well just give away any dignity he has left. 

He belatedly realizes that Minho never asked for Seungmin's address. When they pull up to the house, Jisung asks, “How did you know where to go?” 

Minho turns to face him. “I’ve dropped you off here before.” _Oh_. The memories of the last time he was here hit him like a truck. Minho gives him a tight lipped smile. “Are you sure you want to do this?” 

Jisung takes a deep breath and looks up at the house before them. He sees his childhood. “I’m sure.” 

Knocking on the front door isn’t as dramatic as he thought it’d be. There’s an awkward silence between the time he knocks and the time Seungmin answers that seems to stretch on for hours. Minho coughs and shivers as the cold wind picks up. Jisung just stares at the door knob, willing it to turn. 

It turns. Seungmin's face appears in front of him. 

“Hi,” Seungmin says seriously, “thanks for coming.” He opens the door wider and steps aside to let them in. Jisung feels like an intruder. 

When they turn the corner into the living room, they’re greeted with the sight of a sad Hyunjin sitting with his head in his hands and a concerned Felix sitting next to him, rubbing his back. Uneasiness settles in Jisung's stomach. 

Seungmin gestures to a loveseat for Minho and Jisung to sit down on, and then goes to join his boyfriends on the couch. 

There’s another awkward silence as they all just sit there, either looking at their hands or the coffee table in the center of the room, avoiding everyone’s eyes. Seungmin is the first to clear his throat. 

“Jinnie, was there something you wanted to say to Sungie?” 

Jisung and Hyunjin’s heads shoot up at the same time. Jisung’s heart squeezes at the endearing nickname Seungmin just called him. Hyunjin's eyes are filled with fear, but he nods and wrings his hands together. 

“Yeah. I- Uh.” He gulps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want it.” 

The it that Hyunjin didn’t want could be a billion different things. He didn’t want their argument? He didn’t want this conversation to take place? He didn’t want— _Wait_. 

Jisung speaks slowly. “Hyunjinnie… it’s okay. You can say it.” 

Hyunjin locks eyes with him. Their eyes are both beginning to fill with tears, but Jisung blinks them back. “I don’t want to say it,” Hyunjin whispers. 

Jisung feels surges of several emotions. _Anger_ for the fact that Hyunjin actually has the audacity to sit here and act like a coward after everything he’s put Jisung through. _Sadness_ for the fact that his best friend went through the same thing as him. _Annoyance_ for the fact that he himself didn’t even think of this possibility. _Longing_ for the need to comfort him, because he knows how it feels. 

He knows how it feels. 

“Hyunjin, trust me. You have to say it.” 

Hyunjin shakes his head. A tear rolls down his cheek. “No-“ 

“Hyunjin!” Jisung yells, startling Minho next to him. 

“Fine!” Hyunjin yells back. “I was raped! I didn’t want it!” He sobs, “I didn’t fucking want it!” He turns to cry into Seungmin's shoulder. 

Beside him, he hears Minho let out a quiet _no fucking way_ and honestly Jisung can relate. He’s having trouble holding back his tears, but he looks up at Seungmin and Felix and asks, “Did you guys know about this?” 

They share a look between each other, both rubbing Hyunjin's back. Felix speaks up. “We thought maybe…” 

At that, Hyunjin lifts his head from Seungmin's shoulder, looking confused. “What?” He sniffles. "Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“We wanted you to come to us first, honey.” Seungmin says before kissing his cheek. Jisung catches Minho rolling his eyes and nudges him with his elbow for being rude. 

_“What?”_ Minho whispers to Jisung while the other three continue having their moment. 

_“Can you not be an asshole right now?”_ Jisung whispers back. 

“I just don’t believe this is actually happening,” Minho says at normal volume, full of attitude. 

“Sorry, did you want to say something?” Felix shoots at Minho, mirroring his attitude. 

“Yes, actually. I’d like to point out how _absurd_ it is for Hyunjin to claim he was raped that night.” Hyunjin makes a choking sound but Minho continues. “He bragged about it. He made Jisung feel like shit. He slut shamed and blamed and put Jisung through _hell_. That’s not exactly how someone who was raped as well would act.” 

“Alright, Mr. Know-It-All, thank you for that meaningless opinion. Now get out of my boyfriend’s house,” Felix replies, glaring a hole through Minho's face. 

Minho stands. “Kind of hypocritical for you to kick me out when I say it, but continue dating Hyunjin when he said it to Jisung.” 

Felix jumps to his feet. “Shut the fuck-“ 

“He’s right.” Hyunjin's voice is weak, but it still gets everyone’s attention. “I was horrible to you,” he looks at Jisung, “and there’s no excuse other than the fact that I’m selfish.” 

“Hyunj-“ Seungmin tries. 

“No, let me explain.” Hyunjin takes a breath. “I didn’t want to have sex that night. W-Well, I did, but not with those guys.” He visibly shivers. “It was just supposed to be us four having fun, putting on a show or something. But, when I saw you with one of the guys, I thought 'why not'. I hated it. I hated every second but I didn’t back out because _you_ were right next to me, and I didn’t want to ruin your night.” 

Jisung can’t hold back his tears anymore. “Why did you-“ 

“I knew you didn’t have any fun at that party, Sungie. I did it for you. I thought I was doing something nice. But when you came to us and told us you didn’t want it either, I didn’t know how to handle it. I put myself through that for you and it turned out to be for nothing! I nearly lost my mind.” Hyunjin chuckles humorlessly, tears dripping down his face. He sniffles and offers a watery smile. “I’m selfish as fuck. I deflected my emotions onto you when you needed me.” He looks down. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” 

Jisung is sure the sound of his heart breaking is audible. He chokes on a sob as he collapses in on himself, hiding his face in his hands. This changes _everything_. 

Minho finally sits back down and puts his arm around Jisung, but Jisung pushes him off. Minho makes a confused sound, but Jisung speaks before he can say anything. “Hyunjinnie, I forgive you. I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that for me.” 

“Please, don’t just forgive me like that. I was so unfair to you,” Hyunjin says through a new round of tears, shaking his head. 

Minho watches closely as Jisung stands up and walks over to Hyunjin, pulling him into a hug. They just clutch onto each other for a moment, mutually sniffling as they try to get themselves together. Minho doesn’t understand. How could Jisung forgive him so easily? 

Jisung pulls back from the hug and looks Hyunjin dead in the eyes. “Are you okay, though?” 

Hyunjin nods, looking earnest. “Yeah. I don’t really think about it that much, it’s just something I’ve lived through. I don’t let it affect me.” He then looks down at the floor in shame. “But I’m sorry for letting it affect our friendship.” 

Jisung bites his lip, holding back new tears that are threatening to swell in his eyes. He’s so relieved that Hyunjin doesn’t seem to be experiencing any symptoms of PTSD. “It’s okay, Jinnie. I get it now, and you apologized. That’s all that matters.” 

Hyunjin quickly pulls Jisung back into another bone crushing hug. “Thank you.” 

They separate and go back to their seats. Hyunjin rests his head on Felix's shoulder, seemingly exhausted from the crying. Jisung sits as far from Minho as the loveseat allows, which honestly isn’t that far, but Minho notices. 

Minho scratches the back of his neck. “I’d like to say sorry, I guess.” All eyes move to him. “For, you know, trying to square up in the bathroom without knowing the full story.” 

Felix narrows his eyes. Hyunjin smiles sadly and says, “It’s okay, we wouldn’t be here right now if that didn’t happen.” 

Minho nods in response and the conversation stops there. Jisung feels weird. He needs to confront the other issues. 

“Seungmin, Felix,” he starts, “I don’t know why you guys chose Hyunjin over me.” His voice breaks with honesty. 

Seungmin and Felix look caught off guard, as if they weren’t expecting him to say that. 

“Y-You told us not to talk to you,” Seungmin says quickly. “You wanted us to stay away from you, and I thought it was the least we could do after being such shitty friends.” 

Felix nods in agreement. “I knew how stressed the situation made you, and we didn’t want to add our friendship drama on top of that. I wanted to give you space.” 

Seungmin looks down. “Sorry for making you think we chose Hyunjinnie over you. We never stopped caring about you.” 

Jisung furrows his brow. _Technically_ that makes sense, but he’s still really upset about it. He doesn’t want to admit his true feelings, though, because it's selfish. If he said he wanted them to chase him after literally telling them to leave him alone, he would sound crazy. 

Looking at their guilty faces, he decides to spare making them feel worse. “It’s alright, guys. Thank you for giving me space when I asked for it.” He feels Minho stiffen next to him. 

Hyunjin stifles a yawn, which makes Seungmin glance at his phone. “Maybe we should call it a night, guys. My parents will be home in a few.” 

They all stand and shuffle towards the door, though Minho and Jisung are the only ones actually leaving. 

“Thank you guys for explaining everything,” Jisung says one last time. He values their honesty so much. 

“No, thank you for forgiving me after being the biggest douche bag on the planet,” Hyunjin laughs, eyes heavy with the need for sleep. 

“What are friends for?” Jisung jokes, falling back into their old flow of banter. It feels great. 

They all share sappy smiles (excluding Minho), happy to be on the same page again. After a final goodbye, Minho and Jisung make their way down the driveway to the elder's parked car. 

When Minho starts driving, he’s a little more rough than usual. He hits the gas a little harder, hits the breaks a little harder, and overall drives a little worse. Jisung takes one look at him and figures it’s the way he’s so tense. 

The silence is unbearable. 

“What’s wrong?” Jisung finally asks. 

Minho tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “I just think it’s so fucked up that he blamed you again.” 

Jisung tilts his head. “What? No, he didn’t.” 

Minho scoffs. “He literally said he got raped for you, Sung. How is that not fucked up?” 

Jisung's heart stops. How could Minho think that? “He didn’t mean it like that!” 

“Then tell me what he meant, Jisung.” The anger in Minho's voice is something he’s never heard before. 

“He meant he got raped, Minho, and that’s nobody’s fault but the person who raped him,” Jisung says in a finalizing tone. Then, he adds, “I can’t believe you accused him of lying. _That’s_ the only fucked up part.” He turns his body away from Minho to face the window, not even wanting to see him at the moment. 

A minute passes before Minho speaks again. “You deserve better friends than them.” 

Jisung closes his eyes as anger rolls through his body. “Please, just stop talking and drive me home.” 

“How could you forgive them after those pathetic apologies?” Minho continues, not seeing how angry it’s making Jisung. “ _I knew how stressed the situation made you, and we didn’t want to add our friendship drama on top of that. I wanted to give you space_ ,” Minho says in his best imitation of Felix, “I mean, seriously, what kind of bullshit is that?” 

Jisung takes a deep breath as he tries to control his rage. _I’m not going to say anything. I don’t have to explain myself to him. I-_

“You told me you didn’t mean it when you asked them to leave you alone. How can you accept those half-assed apologies?” Minho sighs. “I just wish you knew your worth.” 

Jisung squeezes his fists by his sides. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he says through clenched teeth. He can’t think about the semantics. He has his friends back, and that’s all that matters. 

“Okay, but don’t come crying to me when they pull something like this again.” 

Jisung laughs. He fully laughs, throwing his head back and clutching his side. Minho pulls into the parking lot of Jisung’s apartment complex. He puts the car in park and turns to face the younger, confused as to why he’s laughing. 

“You know what, Minho,” Jisung says, voice dripping with attitude as he unbuckles, “maybe I won’t.” 

He opens the car door and gets out, slamming it shut to prove his point. 

“Sung-ah, wait!” Minho calls after him. He hears the sound of the driver’s side door opening, and without even turning around he breaks into a run. 

Minho doesn't catches him. 


	12. Chapter 12

“Jisung!”

_There are hands everywhere, holding him down, keeping him from running like he so badly wants. He feels open and exposed in the worst ways. It’s dark and he can’t see anything, but he knows where he is. He always knows. He screams as pain blossoms from his-_

“Jisung! Wake up!”

Jisung's eyes shoot open. He can’t breathe. There’s a presence right in front of him. His mind is a mantra of _leavemealone stopstopstop._ Panting, he sits up and pushes at the person in his bed. He wants them _out_. 

“Stop! Jisung, it’s me!” The voice sounds oddly like his mother. He doesn’t get it. 

Scooting backwards, he curls himself into the corner of his bed, shielding his face and body. He can’t help the cries that fall from his lips as he realizes he has no place to escape. Whoever’s in the room with him can do whatever they want with him. His throat involuntarily closes and he chokes. 

“Sung-ah, baby, what’s happening?” The soft voice of his mother breaks him out of it.

He still can’t breathe, but he opens his eyes to meet his mother’s fearful ones. Emotion hits Jisung as he finally recognizes where he is; in his own room, safe, with his mother sitting right in front of him. 

Relief washes over him in waves, making him sob at the feeling. _I’m safe._

“Yes, baby, you’re safe. It’s all okay,” his mother says, still sitting at the foot of his bed. _I said that out loud?_

Sniffling, he sits up and unwraps his arms from around his body. He takes a couple deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. He’s still wildly shaking and can’t control his breathing, but at least he’s not scared anymore. 

Silence rings around the room, the only sound being the hitching of Jisung's breath. A moment passes. Two. Then, finally, Jisung's mother speaks again.

“Did you have a nightmare?” That’s pretty funny. If not a nightmare, what else would he have experienced?

Now, Jisung is confronted with a huge decision. This is the perfect opportunity to tell his mom everything. _Everything_. He clears his throat but his voice still comes out raspy. “Yeah.”

That’s all she gets, he decides. No elaboration, just confirmation.

“Are you okay?” She scoots closer, putting a comforting hand on his ankle. 

He flinches. “Yeah.”

She has so much worry in her gaze that Jisung literally can’t look at her, and he knows she’s aware he’s hiding something. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

His breathing hitches again, and he squeezes his hands into fists. He has to physically hold himself back from crying again, because this is just ridiculous. He should tell her, she deserves to know, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. He can’t. 

He shakes his head as he sniffles and blinks back the pool of tears that so badly want to fall. He can feel her staring at him, hoping he’ll look up and meet her gaze. But he can’t. If he does, he’s sure he’ll end up spilling everything. 

She doesn’t say anything for a long minute, just looking at him, probably giving him a chance to change his mind. He doesn’t, though. 

“We should go back to sleep,” she says softly, “it’s nearly 3am and you have school tomorrow.” She stands but doesn’t move anywhere, still looking at him.

Jisung just nods and continues to look down. “Okay, goodnight.” His voice is still raspy. He assumes he was screaming. She must be so fucking worried. 

“Goodnight, Jisung-ah.” Slowly but surely, she makes her way to his bedroom door. With one last glance, she leaves, closing it silently. 

He sits there for a minute, mind and body numb, not really sure what just happened. There’s pressure building in his chest, making him breathe rapidly again. Only this time, it’s not panic. It’s sadness. 

He grabs his pillow and stuffs his face in it, sobbing into the material of his pillowcase and muffling his cries. He can’t believe he didn’t tell her. Out of everyone in the world, she’s probably the only person who deserves to know. He’s just not ready for the mess that will come afterwards. 

It’s a selfish move, but maybe everyone needs to be selfish every once in a while. 

When Jisung opens his eyes the next morning, he doesn’t want to get out of bed. There’s no real reason, other than the fact that he’s just not in the mood to exist today. 

Dismissing the thought of skipping school, he gets up. Too many days have already been marked absent on his record for this year. If there are any more, they’ll start handing out detentions. He knows he’s changed a lot this year, but getting a detention is not something else he’d like to add. 

He realizes he’s dissociating when he reaches for his phone only to see that he already moved it from the charger to his dresser. He doesn’t recall doing that. In fact, he doesn’t remember getting ready at all. _So it’s going to be one of those days today. Alright._

He has 10 minutes to eat breakfast. When he walks into the kitchen and sees his mother sitting at the table, anxiety swirls in his gut. Memories of last night flash through his mind. She must really be worried about him if she woke up early for him.

Acting as casual as possible, he prepares a bowl of cereal for himself. His movements are a little stiff and jerky, and he catches her eye lingering on him a little, but its normal, nonetheless. They say their good mornings, but that’s it. It’s not until he’s seated at the table, halfway through his cereal before his mother says something.

“So, who’s Minjun?”

Jisung chokes. He literally chokes on his cereal. There’s milk in his lungs and a fruit loop stuck in his throat, but his mother just looks at him with wide, questioning eyes. 

It takes him a minute to recover from the choking. When he’s finally got himself under control, there are tears in his eyes from all the harsh coughing his throat just had to endure. He braces himself on the table, not looking into her eyes as he finally responds in an unusually high voice. “What?”

“I asked who Minjun is.” She says simply. It’s so innocent and blunt, which makes Jisung inwardly laugh, because she clearly doesn’t understand the weight behind that question. But that’s Jisung's fault. 

He swallows, thankful for the numb feeling he woke up with. It’s so prominent that he’s not even panicking. _That’s probably not okay._ “Where did you get that name from?” He asks in a surprisingly calm way, voice coming out a little scratchy. He still hasn’t looked her in the eye. 

“You were screaming it last night during your nightmare.”

Jisung closes his eyes as the first wave of panic hits him. Fuck.

“I have to go to school.” He says quickly, hopping off the stool and tossing his bowl into the sink. He knows it’s immature to just ignore her like that, but he really does have to get to school. Technically. 

He grabs his backpack and heads to the door. As he’s sliding on his shoes, his mother walks up behind him. He can feel her presence looming over him, like a guardian angel. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right Sung-ah? We’re a team.” 

_Yikes. She hasn’t said that since the divorce._

He looks her in the eye for the first time all morning. Love and care is looking back at him. His chest hurts. 

“I know, Mom. We’re a team.” He agrees, giving her a smile that’s supposed to make her believe everything’s okay. She smiles back, but it looks pained. His throat tightens up and he forces himself to move before he starts crying. 

He breathes a sigh of relief as he exits the apartment building. _It’s okay_ , he tells himself. _She’ll forget all about this if I avoid her long enough. It’s okay._ The farther the building gets, the smaller the problem feels. 

A text makes his phone vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out, he opens the notification which brings him to the ’00 group chat.

_**Lixie** : yall can we meet b4 homeroom_

_**Minnie** : sure_

_**Jinnie** : usual spot?_

**_Lixie_ ** _:_ _yeah_

Jisung sighs and types his reply.

_**Sungie** : see ya! _

Their usual spot was the corner of a hallway that’s exactly equal distance between all of their lockers. It was out of sight from most people, save the one short row of lockers directly across from the small corner. They had accidentally met up there on their first day of high school, awkwardly trying to navigate the weird layout of the new building and choosing to hideout there until the crowd died down. Since then, that’s where they’ve always met up.

When Jisung arrives at school, he first stops at his locker to get everything he needs for the day. 

An eerie feeling surrounds him as he stares into his locker and takes a second to process how different today is going to be. He finally has his friends back, which means he can finally walk through the halls worry-free. So why does he still feel worried? Irritated, he slams his locker shut. 

As he begins his walk to the meet up spot, the reason steps out in front of him. 

_Minho_.

Jisung can see Felix already waiting at the end of the hallway, but Minho's body blocks his line of sight as he notices Jisung. His big eyes become even bigger with recognition as he locks onto Jisung, and immediately beelines towards him. 

Jisung internally curses, feeling caught. He doesn’t think he’s ready for this. He didn’t even think about what he wanted to say to Minho.

He tries to avoid eye contact, but Minho walks right up to him. Jisung can almost feel the anxiety radiating off of Minho as soon as he’s close enough. It feels like they just stepped into their own bubble. 

“Jisung, please—“

“Minho, not now—“

“I’m sorry, you need to know I’m sorry for what I said yesterday.” Minho rushes out before Jisung can even move. He looks up into Minho's eyes and takes in his tired appearance.

He’s wearing a t-shirt which is a little askew on his shoulders, leaving his left collarbone a lot more exposed than his right. His hair is messier than usual, looking like he didn’t even try to tame it. Under his big, round eyes are even bigger bags, tinted blue with lack of sleep. Jisung swallows, feeling put off by how effortlessly hot Minho can be. 

Jisung sighs. “It’s okay, Minho.” 

Minho raises an eyebrow. “What?” He asks, voice pitching. “It’s not okay. I literally stayed up all night worrying about how I can make it up to you because what I said was really out of pocket.” 

Jisung pulls his sweater paws down. Minho's eyes follow the movement. He closes his eyes for a second, using any remaining energy to gather his thoughts. “What you said yesterday wasn’t okay, but the fact that you immediately apologized for it is what made me forgive you.” He bites his lip before continuing. Minho's eyes also choose to follow that movement. “I wasn’t even that upset over it, I just had to leave before I said something I’d regret, you know?” 

Minho’s eyes are still on Jisung's lips as he nods in response. “Yeah, I know.” 

Jisung smiles, a real genuine smile, happy to have cleared that up. It felt easier than he thought it’d be. “I gotta go, see you in photography?”

Minho smiles back, laughing a little. “Yeah, I’ll see you.”

He watches Minho's retreating figure, feeling his heart flutter for the umpteenth time at how caring the older is. Everything feels right with him. He happily exhales before turning around to finally make it to the meet up spot.

He’s greeted with three pairs of eyes staring at him knowingly. 

Felix smirks, and Jisung rolls his eyes in response, still smiling. “Shut up.”

Felix throws his hands up. “I didn’t even say anything!” 

“Your face is loud enough, Lixie.” Says Hyunjin with a glint of humor in his eyes.

“Was that a compliment? It felt like a compliment.” Felix fires back.

Hyunjin tilts his head. “You like being loud?” 

Felix's face immediately flares up red in embarrassment. He opens his mouth, searching for a response, but Seungmin beats him to it. 

“We both know he does, Jin.” 

Felix chokes while Jisung's eyes widen at hearing about his friends’ sex lives. That’s probably the last thing he ever wanted to think about. 

“Anyway,” Felix continues, face still red, “I wanted to meet here so we could talk about our holiday party without any teachers overhearing.”

Jisung furrows his brows. “What holiday party?” 

“Oh, right, you don’t know.” Felix awkwardly laughs. “We decided to throw a party to start off the holiday break.” 

Holiday break is only two weeks away. Jisung looks around to his other friends and finds them all nodding along. _Okay_. 

“We’re inviting everyone. It’s gonna be a night to remember, I swear.” Hyunjin adds.

“Everyone?” Jisung asks. “Even that weird girl that eats her hair?” He thinks her name is Yeji.

“Alright, maybe not everyone.” 

“Everyone that matters!” Seungmin corrects. 

Hyunjin turns to him. “Min, honey, that sounds kind of rude.”

“Yeah, it’s like you’re implying there are people in our grade who don’t matter.” Felix says, sounding offended.

Seungmin pouts. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Awww! It’s okay baby!” Hyunjin yells, tackling Seungmin into a hug, as if not being able to stand seeing his boyfriend pout. Felix is laughing at them with adoring eyes. 

“You guys are so gross.” Jisung says, only half meaning it. They’re actually really cute, but Jisung would rather die than tell them that. He has a reputation to uphold. 

“Says the one who was literally shooting heart eyes at Minho not even five minutes ago.” Hyunjin replies, still hugging Seungmin. 

Heat blooms across his cheeks. Before Jisung can respond, the bell rings, signaling for them to go to homeroom. 

When they sit down (in their usual seats, which makes Jisung bite back a smile because things are _finally_ back to normal), Felix pulls out a piece of paper. 

“We’re making a list of people to personally invite, and we’ll just tell these people to bring whoever they want.” He says.

“What if the whole school shows up?” Jisung asks worriedly. “Where are we even hosting this?” 

“My house!” Seungmin supplies. “My parents are going on a skii trip and they’re not taking me, so my revenge will be to throw an absolute banger.” 

Hyunjin giggles like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. 

“Alright, I’m done writing my people, your turn.” Felix says, handing the paper to Hyunjin.

When Hyunjin is done, he hands it to Seungmin.

By the time Jisung gets it, the homeroom announcements are already well underway, but he pays no mind as he reads the list. 

_party people!!!!!!!_

  * _donghyuck_

  * _jaemin_

  * _eunbin_

  * _jeno_

  * _renjun_

  * _heejin_

  * _sunwoo_

  * _eric_

  * _dayun_

  * _hwall_

  * _hyeyeon_

  * _sanha_

  * _jinyoung_

  * _gowon_

  * _soobin_




Jisung thinks that’s a good group of people. He tries, but he can’t come up with anyone else to add. He doesn’t really care that much either. 

Taking one last look at the list, he quickly scribbles down a name, before handing it back to Felix.

  * _minho_




Felix's eyes shine as he looks over the paper. “This is gonna be so great, guys.”

It’s a week before the party when Jisung finally decides to bring it up to Minho. 

Starbucks is surprisingly slow this evening, leaving Jisung with lots of down time to clean. That’s literally the last thing he wants to do, despite how many times Yugyeom tells him it’s his job. As usual, Minho is sitting in the corner of the café, studying for all the tests they’re about to have right before break. He’s wearing a huge oversized sweatshirt that says _Gimpo_ , and his glasses keep falliing down his nose as he’s studying. It’s adorable and Jisung can’t stop watching.

Jisung stands at the register for a few minutes, bored out of his mind, before deciding to abandon it for something more interesting. AKA Minho.

Plus, they haven’t talked in about 45 minutes now, and Jisung is feeling a little Minho-deprived.

He grabs a random pastry (it’s not random. It’s an almond croissant, which happens to be Minho’s favorite) and heads over to Minho's table, which is scattered with papers. As he sits down, he shuffles around some of Minho's worksheets to make room for the croissant. This catches the older’s attention as he finally takes his head out of a textbook.

“What’s this?” Minho asks.

“Are you blind?” Jisung laughs. “It’s exactly what it looks like. Your dinner.”

Minho smiles as he reaches for the pastry. “Oh, how kind of you to buy me dinner!”

“Yeah… I definitely _bought_ it…. anyway!” Jisung claps his hands together. "I need to ask you something.” Minho raises an eyebrow as he continues chewing his croissant. Jisung's heart jumps at the sight. “Wanna go to a party with me?”

Immediately Minho pauses his chewing, mouth still full of food. He draws his eyebrows together in confusion, and Jisung quickly realizes where he messed up. “I mean! Not _with me_ with me, but like, you and I can, like, go to the party… with one another...” He trails off with an awkward chuckle. 

Minho finally swallows, giving him the chance to reply. “Whose party is it?”

Jisung sighs, thankful Minho didn’t say anything about his awkward rambling. “The terrible trio is throwing it. So am I, technically, as they seem to have roped me into the party planning committee, but it’s at Seungmin's house and it’s going to be an _absolute banger_.” He lifts a finger. "His words, not mine.”

“Who’s all going?”

“Oh, you know, maybe everyone.”

Minho sits up. “Wait, is it next week?” Jisung nods.”Yeah! I’ve heard so many people talking about a holiday party, but I had no idea whose it was. I just assumed I wasn’t cool enough to get invited.”

“Well, consider yourself cool, because I just invited you.”

Jisung is _not_ a party person. 

He knows this, yet he tosses back another shot (his fourth of the night) in a dark corner of Seungmin's kitchen. He’s drinking something called _fireball_ which Hyunjin insisted they needed for the party. It tastes like cinnamon and doesn’t give Jisung that horrible sour taste other alcohol gives, and he decides right there that he loves it.

He recalls being with Seungmin and Felix earlier before they left to mingle with all the other people who are crowding the house. Jisung wonders just how on edge Seungmin might be from having so many reckless teenagers in his parents house.

He thinks he might be drunk, because Redbone by Childish Gambino is playing and he suddenly has the urge to make out with someone in a bathroom. 

Speaking of making out with someone, where is Minho?

The older promised he’d be there, he _promised_ , so where is he?

“Sung-ah?” 

Oh, right. He went to the bathroom. And apparently he’s back. 

Jisung turns to face the older, and his throat closes at the sight. Minho is wearing a loose navy blue button up shirt, leaving the top two buttons undone which makes the shirt fall even looser. 

“Minho, what took you so long?” He focuses on annunciating, attempting to sound more sober than he actually is. Minho's hair is parted to the side, leaving most of his forehead exposed with just a small strand falling over his right eyebrow. How distracting.

It’s embarrassing how low Jisung's alcohol tolerance is. He hasn’t had anything alcoholic since the beginning of the summer, which was literally half a year ago. He wanted to slowly ease into the night, but here he is, four shots in, and it hasn’t even been an hour. 

“What do you mean?” Minho asks, walking over to Jisung and pouring himself a shot. “I was probably gone for, like, three minutes.” Jisung doesn’t even want to think about how tight Minho's black skinny jeans must be, if the outline of his thighs are anything to go by. He suddenly feels hot, and it’s not from the alcohol.

“Felt like three years.” Jisung mumbles to himself. 

“What?”

“I said do you know where Hyunjin is?” 

Minho shoots him a confused look before answering. “Last I saw, he was on the balcony with Renjun.” Then, he takes the shot. Jisung watches as Minho throws his head back, exposing his neck. He watches as Minho swallows the shot whole, adam’s apple bobbing, before bringing his head back down and licking his lips. He watches as Minho's tongue makes sure he’s gotten every drop. “That was gross.” Minho says, referring to the alcohol. 

Jisung is still staring at his lips. _How are they so pink? Is he wearing lipstick? Why didn’t he tell me?_ “Are you wearing lipstick?”

At the same time he asks the question, a pretty girl comes out of seemingly nowhere and throws herself around Minho. “There you are!” 

Minho takes a second to return the hug, but when he does, he wraps his arms around her waist and laughs into her ear. “I told you I’d be here!” 

When they break the hug, Jisung recognizes her to be Heejin. He had no idea they knew each other, and for some reason it’s making his stomach queasy. She’s wearing a red skirt, showing off her flawless legs, as well as a white crop top that fits her perfectly. She looks cute, and Jisung doesn’t know why he’s suddenly mad. 

It burns in his chest, and it could just be the fireball, but the feeling isn’t welcome and Jisung is pretty sure he knows where it came from. _Who_ it came from. 

The weird thing about being drunk is that, in the moment, you always believe you’re thinking properly. You never feel the need to filter your words because you trust your mind, and your mind never tells you not to say it. 

Jisung doesn’t even blink when he says the words “Excuse me,” not sounding polite at all, “you interrupted our conversation.” 

Minho’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, not understanding where Jisung's hostility came from. His hand is still on Heejin’s hip. Her eyes widen as apologies fall from her lips, feeling bad for apparently interrupting them. She quickly excuses herself, and with one last smile towards Minho, she’s gone. 

Jisung is stuck staring at the spot Heejin was just occupying. A triumphant feeling burns in his chest, happy that he was able to get rid of her so fast. 

“What was that?” Minho's question brings Jisung back to the present, sounding unsually demanding. 

Jisung ignores the question all together. It’s not important. “How do you know her?”

Minho looks at him as if he’s trying to figure something out. Jisung squirms a little, choosing to look around the room instead of in Minho's eyes. “We’re in the same calculus class. She’s my friend.” He pauses, tilting his head, before continuing. “Jisung, what you did just now was really rude.” 

Jisung scoffs. “I was the rude one? She acted like I wasn’t even here!” 

“She just came over to say hi, Sung-ah. No need to get jealous.” Minho looks disappointed as he shakes his head, as if scolding a child. 

Jisung is shocked, to say the least. Him? Jealous? Over a pretty girl talking to Minho? Sure, maybe he was a little over the line, making the girl scatter and all, but why did Minho have to be so mean about it? 

“I gotta go find Felix.” He then turns around quickly, not even waiting for Minho's reaction and ignoring the way it makes his head spin. Or maybe that was Minho's doing. Who knows. 

As he (not so gracefully) walks through Seungmin's house, he’s able to finally realize just how many people actually came. Theres a guy pushing his girlfriend against the wall, making out too passionately to be in public, theres a group of girls dancing with drinks in their hand and spilling them everywhere, poor Seungmin, and it seems like everyone knows the lyrics to the trap song blasting from the speakers. The party is in full swing, and it seems like Seungmin's absolute banger has been successfully executed. 

He stumbles into someone’s chest while trying to fit between the crowd. The guy laughs as he stabilizes Jisung by placing his hands on his hips, and Jisung's eyes widen as he looks up into the eyes of none other than Yoon Sanha. _Wow, he’s cuter than I remember,_

“Jisung, right?” _Yikes, he’s not even sure of my name._

“Yeah,” Jisung swallows as he holds their eye contact, “and you’re Sanha.” 

Sanha’s eyes light up as he chuckles at the response. He takes a step closer to Jisung, leaning in to speak directly into his ear over the loud beat of the music with a seductive tone. “Hey, why don’t we—“

Jisung doesn’t get to hear the rest because there’s now a hand firmly gripped around his wrist, pulling him out of the crowd. He stumbles over his feet as he tries to break the grasp, but the person doesn’t let go until they’re out of the room and in a secluded hallway. His chest is tightening and his vision is even blurrier than before, but he’s determined to stay strong. 

As soon as Jisung's arm is free, he takes a step backwards and finally recognizes the soft black hair and big round eyes. “What the literal fuck, Minho?” 

“What?” Minho makes that adorable confused look that he always makes, but Jisung isn’t having it. 

“You can’t do that!” He yells, taking a step forward to get into Minho's space. “You know this, Minho. We’ve been over this time and time again. I can’t handle it when people grab me out of nowhere! It’s not cool, Minho! What were you thinking? Did you forget? Did you want to _scare_ me?” His voice breaks over the word scare, but he keeps going. “I get that I don’t have normal reactions, but it’s not my fault and I thought you of all people would be understanding and cautious and not grab me in the middle of a crowd—“

“Sung-ah, breathe, please.” Minho cuts him off.

Jisung takes a stuttered breath, realizing how worked up he just got over something so small. His eyes are burning with unshed tears and his hands are shaking. “Leave me alone.” He chokes out, before beelining to the nearest bathroom using nothing but muscle memory from being in Seungmin's house so often. 

Thankfully, the bathroom is empty, so he throws himself inside, locks the door, and sobs like a toddler. He admits it’s a little pathetic, but he’s drunk and upset, and crying is the only thing that’ll make him feel better, he thinks. 

The bathroom tile feels cold under his pants from where he threw himself down, but he can’t bring himself to care. The light is bright and unwelcomed, so he covers his eyes and wishes he could be anywhere but here.

Maybe he’s hit a new all-time low. Maybe he was never as okay as he pretends to be.

His crying eventually slows to just sniffling. Feeling utterly defeated, he just sits on Seungmin's bathroom floor, having an existential crisis. He gently toes at the corner of the fluffy grey rug that sits in the middle of the room, just in front of him, mesmerized by the way the fabric reacts to his shoe.

Rapid knocking on the door snaps him out of his thoughts, but he doesn’t get up. Whoever it is can go find another bathroom. Or piss themselves, for all he cares. 

But the knocking doesn’t stop, and it’s starting to give Jisung a headache, so he pulls himself up off the tiled floor and unlocks the door. 

“Jesus, you couldn’t wait five fucking min-“

“Move!” Jisung gets pushed out of the way as a shorter boy races to the toilet. He belatedly realizes it’s Felix, and he seems to have just made it in time if the huge sigh of relief is anything to go by. 

Jisung closes and locks the door once again, and goes back to his sitting position. 

“You couldn’t have unlocked the door earlier? My god.” Felix says, still facing the wall as he finishes. 

“You couldn’t have peed outside like every other guy at every other party?” Jisung shoots back.

Felix flushes the toilet and makes his way to the sink. “I’m not a dog. I appreciate the warmth and comfort of a human bathroom.” 

Jisung hums but doesn’t reply, still feeling drained from crying. As Felix dries off his hands, he turns to face Jisung and immediately gasps. “Oh my god! You look horrible!”

Jisung chuckles bitterly. “Thanks, man. You’re pretty ugly too.”

The joke goes ignored as Felix slides down the wall and sits next to Jisung, knocking their knees together. “What happened? You look like you just cried your eyes out.” 

“I’m a drunk crier.”

“No, you’re not.”

Jisung sighs. “It’s nothing. Just my PTSD being annoying.”

Felix tilts his head. “Your what?”

It takes Jisung a minute to process what he just said aloud, and he sighs again, this time heavier. “I said it’s nothing.” He sniffles and wipes his face with his hands, hoping to pull himself together so he can get out of this conversation. 

“You have an STD?” Felix asks innocently, and it’s so ridiculous that Jisung can’t help but laugh. 

“Oh my god!” He giggles. "No! That’s not even what I said.” 

“Alright, whatever.” Felix gets up, dusting his pants off as if the floor they were sitting on was actually dirty. “I’m gonna go get fucked up, wanna join?”

Maybe it was the laughing that changed his mood around, or maybe he wasn’t even that upset to begin with, but he lifts himself up off the ground and grabs Felix's shoulder to stabilize himself as the alcohol continues to impair him. “Lead the way!” 

“Minho is stupid.” Jisung declares. 

Seungmin and Hyunjin have joined Jisung and Felix in their endeavor to get fucked up. They’re all sitting around a couple different bottles of alcohol, taking turns making drinks for one another. Jisung doesn’t remember how they got to the basement, but he’s thankful because the music isn’t that loud and there aren’t that many people. 

Seungmin's basement is warm and cozy, with soft lighting and big, comfy furniture which looks inviting. Jisung wonders why they’re sitting on the floor. 

Felix finishes his mystery drink that Seungmin made for him before he replies. “Minho who?”

Hyunjin hits his shoulder. “Lee Minho!”

Felix's eyes go wide. “Oh yeah! Lee Minho! I forgot about him. Why isn’t he with us?”

“Because he’s stupid.” Jisung repeats. 

“Oh.” Felix frowns, looking sad about that information. 

“The pretty ones are always stupid.” Seungmin says. “That’s why we can’t trust Felix to be smart.”

“Hey!” Felix cries, then smiles as he bats his eyes. “You think I’m pretty?”

“Pretty _stupid_.”

“Okay, enough with that word. It doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.” Hyunjin says, making a new drink. “Here.” He shoves the drink in Jisung's hand once he’s done making it. “Drink this and then tell us why Minho is stupid.”

Jisung downs the drink in one go, tongue too numb to actually taste anything anymore. “Guys.” He says dramatically. “Guys. Boys. My Bros. I think I’m drunk.” 

“Mood.” Seungmin says as he accepts a drink from Felix. 

“So why is Minho stupid?” Felix asks before taking a huge sip of his own drink. “I’ve been dying to know since I ran into you in the bathroom.” 

“What happened in the bathroom?” Hyunjin inquires.

“Shut up, it’s not important! Let Jisung talk!”

Jisung doesn’t even know how to explain it. “He’s just stupid, you know?”

Felix groans. “No! I don’t know!”

“Babe, calm down.” Seungmin says. “It was kind of profound how simple he made it sound. Minho is stupid because he’s stupid.” 

Felix looks at him in disbelief. “No.” He snaps his attention back to Jisung. “Give me the motherfucking tea.” 

Jisung sighs and starts. “So, I think I maybe have this thing called PTSD, and it kind of always gets triggered by a bunch of things, and Minho knows this! He knows it! But, he’s stupid so he triggered me and it wasn’t a good time, so I got mad at him and cried in the bathroom.” He says it so simply, you wouldn’t believe he’s talking about something so serious. 

He feels his friends shouldn’t really be that surprised, given what he said in his initial confession to them a couple months back. But, he wouldn’t be shocked if they didn’t put two and two together. They don’t exactly have the best track record of being the smart friends.

When Jisung looks up, they’re all staring back with wide eyes and open mouths. 

“Minho is stupid.” Felix eventually declares, getting sounds of agreement from everyone else. They all have looks of sympathy and Jisung appreciates it and hates it at the same time.

“I’ll drink to that.” Replies Jisung, and the group of four boys all raise their cups before draining them. 

It’s a little later into the night when Jisung sees Minho again. 

The four of them had eventually come out of the basement in search of snacks, and somehow ended up in the living room, dancing and singing along to Seungmin's dad’s stereo. The house is still full of teenagers, and Jisung can’t even name half of them anymore, but he feels safe as Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin dance around him and keep him in the middle. 

He’s singing along to Blackpink’s _As If It’s Your Last_ when his eyes catch Minho's. The older boy is leaning against the wall, sipping a drink, and apparently watching Jisung. Minho doesn’t look away and Jisung continues to stare right back. 

He suddenly doesn’t feel like dancing anymore. 

Pushing through his friends, Jisung leaves the crowd and marches right up to Minho, eyes locked together the whole time. Jisung doesn’t stop until they’re about two inches apart. Neither of them say anything. Minho doesn’t break eye contact as he takes another sip of his drink, and it irks Jisung how casual and cool Minho is acting. 

“Are you feeling better now?” Minho asks, and the music is so loud that Jisung has to watch his lips to see what he’s saying. 

Jisung scoffs. “No thanks to you.”

Minho gives a self deprecating smile and stares into the bottom of his cup, swirling it a little. “Yeah, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to scare you, but I also didn’t like seeing you with that guy.” 

Jisung scans Minho’s face for any hint that he’s lying, but doesn’t find one. “Didn’t you literally give me a lecture on jealousy two minutes before that happened?” His voice comes out harsh but he’s fighting a smile. It’s cute to see Minho being just as reckless as himself.

“I guess it’s easy said than done, huh.” Minho replies, and his voice still has a hint of sadness, as if beating himself up. He hasn’t looked back up at Jisung yet, and he quickly throws back the rest of his drink before crumpling up the cup in his hand. 

Maybe it’s the alcohol running through his veins, or maybe it’s the subtle pout on Minho’s face, but something makes Jisung take a step forward, placing his hand over Minho’s hand with the crumpled cup and lightly grabbing onto his wrist, making Minho finally look into Jisung's eyes. 

Their faces are mere centimeters apart, breath mingling together as Jisung leans in a little closer. He can see the question in Minho's eyes, but he just shakes his head a little and mutters, “You’re so stupid,” before closing the distance and bringing their lips together. 


	13. Chapter 13

It’s like everything falls into place. 

Kissing Minho is everything Jisung hoped it’d be. It’s like finally coming home after spending weeks away. It’s like stepping into a warm room after days in the cold. It’s like the first sip of water after hours of dehydration. It’s perfect. And Jisung can’t get enough. 

_Why didn’t I do this earlier?_ Jisung thinks as Minho deepens the kiss, pulling him closer by grabbing his bicep and wrapping his arms around Jisung's upper body. 

Honestly, Jisung was just expecting them to kiss once, light and innocent, to get rid of all the tension they’ve been dancing around tonight. He did not expect it to feel so _right_ and _good_ that he just can’t stop. 

Everything around them disappears, music and chatter fading into the background until it’s just the two of them, exploring each other in ways they’re finally able to. Jisung brings his arm up and runs his hand though Minho’s hair, grabbing it a little to angle Minho's head just right. Jisung wishes he wasn’t drunk so he could figure out what Minho tastes like. He thinks he’s getting a hint of cherry?

Minho pulls back first, causing Jisung to let out a small whine as he tries to chase the older’s lips, but Minho puts a hand between them, keeping a distance. “Wait,” Minho says, “wait. Sung-ah. Wait.”

He can’t take his eyes off Minho's plump red lips. He wants to feel them again. “What?” He says, monotonous and impatient. He bites his lip and imagines the pressure is from Minho. 

“Fuck,” Minho says, eyes following Jisung's mouth, “fuck, no. Wait.” 

“I’m waiting, Minho.”

“You— Oh my god.” Minho runs a hand through his hair, seemingly frustrated. “Come here.” He grabs Jisung's hand and leads them out of the main room. Jisung sighs, feeling light from the alcohol, and silently hopes Minho isn’t about to put an end to what hardly began. Ironically, they end up in the same hallway where Jisung had yelled at Minho earlier that night. 

Hands still connected, Jisung leans back against the wall and pulls Minho with him. He doesn’t know where he’s getting all this confidence from. Probably all those drinks his friends were shoving in his hands an hour earlier, but he’s thankful for it. Thankful he has the guts to do what he really wants.

Minho almost stumbles into Jisung, standing with his shoes touching the tip of Jisung's. Their foreheads bump against each other as Jisung looks up into Minho’s eyes. Minho’s gaze travels around Jisung's face and lands on his lips once again, his own lips parting at the sight. 

Jisung smirks, loving the effect he has on the older. “What did you want me to wait for?” There’s a hint of teasing in his voice, knowing the only thing both of them want right now is to continue kissing. 

“Why—“ Minho pauses, swallowing before continuing, “Why did you do that?”

“Is that really what you pulled me out here for?” Jisung laughs, not even giving Minho the satisfaction of an answer before pulling him down to connect their lips once again. Minho instantly kisses back, harder than before, as if Jisung will disappear if he doesn’t. 

Jisung loves it. 

It’s a rough and messy makeout session, but it’s exactly what they need. All their emotions and feelings are being poured into this, everything they couldn’t say over these past months is _finally_ being put out in the open.

But, it seems Jisung has overestimated himself. Minho’s hands eventually travel down to Jisung's waist, where he starts squeezing and grabbing in the heat of the moment. Jisung knows it’s just Minho. He knows he’s safe and nothing will hurt him. But, he can’t stop himself from catching Minho's wrist, breaking their kiss and whispering a weak, “Wait.” 

The feeling of hands on his body is bringing back unwanted memories. He closes his eyes and leans his head back until it bumps against the wall, feeling frustrated by his own reaction. Minho, on the other hand, is laughing while saying, “What do you want me to wait for?” No doubt making fun of the way Jisung had just said it to him. 

When Jisung doesn’t respond, Minho stops laughing. The younger has begun to curl in on himself, willing the phantom touches to go away. He still hasn’t opened his eyes. “Sung. Jisung. Are you okay?” Minho's voice sounds desperate, clearly caught off guard by how fast the situation has changed. “Hey. Hey, look at me. You’re safe, I promise.” 

Jisung’s eyes snap open to meet Minho's. The older’s gaze is filled with an overwhelmingly apologetic look, causing Jisung to look down from the pang it creates in his heart. He hates how unfair this is. Can’t he just kiss his crush in peace? Why does that _one night_ from half a year ago have to effect everything he does?

Tears of frustration are building in his eyes as he whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Minho makes a pained sound. “Please— Please don’t be sorry. _I’m_ the sorry one. I knew. I knew and I still pushed you and—”

“You didn’t push me.” Jisung shoots back, a little angry that Minho keeps blaming himself. None of this would ever be Minho's fault, and he would never want Minho to feel like it is. “I wanted that. I _want_ this.” He swallows. “I want you.”

Minho's eyes widen, pupils dilating in the dim hallway light. “You’re drunk. You— You don’t know what you’re saying.” 

Jisung scoffs. “I’ll say it again tomorrow, if you’d like. And the day after that, and the day after that. Everyday, until you understand I mean it.” 

A blush is now coating Minho's face, which could be from the alcohol, but Jisung doesn’t remember it being so prominent. His mouth is hanging open, shaking his head a little, trying to make sense of what the younger is saying. Jisung watches as a strand of hair on Minho's forehead bounces back and forth with the movement. 

Minho's voice comes out unusually high. “You like me?”

Jisung smiles. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Minho stares at his face for a moment, taking in Jisung's wide, truthful eyes and sweet smile just for him. He leans down again, bringing a hand up to stroke the side of Jisung's face with his thumb as he lightly grabs the side of his head. “I love you.” Minho says, looking right into his eyes, and Jisung's world stops. 

Love. Minho loves him. 

Jisung can’t remember how to breathe. Hearing those three words come of out Minho's mouth has done something to him he doesn’t even understand. There’s a ball of warmth building in his chest, and he suddenly feels lighter, as if he could fly. His face breaks out into a beaming smile without his permission, and he fists his hands into Minho's black shirt, pulling him down and closing the last of the distance for a slow, sweet kiss. 

He almost feels like crying. He doesn’t know if it’s from the relief that Minho likes him back, or the fear and hesitation that comes with the uncharted territory of the word love. It’s scarier than he thought; having someone confess they’re in love with him. He never thought it would invoke such weird feelings other than happiness. It almost feels like there’s a responsibility put on him now, a pressure to prove to Minho that he’s worth being loved. 

But he himself doesn’t even believe he’s worth being loved, so how can Minho believe it?

Breaking the kiss, he turns and stuffs his head in the nape between Minho’s neck and shoulder, pulling him into a hug. Minho instantly returns it, stroking the back of Jisung's head and rubbing little circles on his back. 

He can feel it. He can feel how much Minho loves him just by these gestures, and when he thinks about it, he can remember multiple times that just scream _I love you_ when Minho did something. 

Like opening the car door for him. Like giving him half his lunch when Jisung forgets. Like waking up at 2 in the morning and responding to Jisung's texts even though he was fast asleep. Like rambling about anything to fill the silence on the bad days when Jisung doesn’t feel like talking but needs something to distract him. 

_Holy shit,_ he thinks. _Minho loves me._

It’s very overwhelming. He begins tearing up, but tries his best to blink them back. He squeezes Minho and then loosens his hold, but stays in the same position. Licking his lips, he starts pressing kisses into Minho's skin. As he travels up his neck, the older leans his head to the side to give Jisung better access. He can hear Minho's breath hitching and stuttering. Experimentally, he grazes his teeth over the skin just below Minho's ear, and a whine escapes his mouth, just loud enough for Jisung to hear. He assumes Minho’s enjoying this, so he keeps at it, hoping to show what he can’t say with words. 

Jisung shifts a little in preparation of moving down so he can kiss Minho’s collarbone, when his hip brushes the front of Minho's jeans. And oh. Oh. Minho's hard. As Jisung’s hip comes in contact with Minho’s dick, Minho gasps, clutching onto Jisung's arm. They both make eye contact, looking at each other as if trying to see what the other is thinking. 

Minho is the first to say something. Shaking his head, he says with a rough voice, “We don’t have to do anything about that. J-Just ignore it.” 

But Jisung can’t ignore it. It’s the one thing he’ll never be able to ignore. _Fuck, why am I so stupid?_ How could he forget, this is the exact reason why him and Minho aren’t together. Jisung will never be able to satisfy Minho the way another person could. As he looks down and takes in the view of the bulge in Minho's skin tight jeans, he realizes this will never work out. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Jisung says quietly, taking a step back and hitting the wall by accident. He quickly steps to the side, freeing himself from Minho's gravity. “I’m sorry, Minho. I can’t do this.”

“Sung-ah, wait, I’m sorry!” Minho calls, sounding desperate, trying to grab his arm. But Jisung is too quick. He runs up the stairs, slamming the door to Seungmin's bedroom shut. He leans his head against the door for a second, catching his breath while trying to organize his thoughts. He hears the sound of frantic footsteps running up the stairs, and he quickly locks the door with a _click_. 

Fast knocks bang against the door, and Jisung takes a step back. “Sung-ah!” Comes Minho's voice from the other side. Jisung doesn’t respond. He can’t move. He just stares at the locked door as Minho continues to knock and plead. 

“Jisungie, please. I’m sorry.” Minho’s voice sounds so broken, Jisung can’t take it anymore. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself for the conversation to come.

“Minho…” Jisung starts, not really knowing what to say. He suddenly feels exhausted.

“I’m sorry,” says Minho, again, and it almost drives Jisung insane.

“I know!” Jisung yells, almost ripping out his hair. He sighs at the sudden silence. “I know.” He sits down with his back to the door, leaning against it. “I know you’re sorry, Minho. I’m sorry too. We’re both sorry but that’s not going to change anything here.”

It shocks Jisung how quiet Minho’s voice is when he replies. “How can you say that?” Jisung swallows, feeling like he’s making a huge mistake. “Why won’t you just talk to me?”

Jisung’s starting to feel a little choked up, and he knows it’s audible in his response. “There’s… There’s nothing to talk about, Minho.” His head spins a little, undoubtedly from the alcohol, so he leans it back against the door. “We can’t do this.”

“Jisung, let me in.”

Jisung grimaces, not in the mood to move in his drunken state. “No, Minho. Can you just leave?”

“I really need to tell you something and I think we should be face to face when I’m saying it. It wouldn’t feel right through a door.” Minho sounds urgent, like he doesn’t believe Jisung will actually open the door. 

Honestly, the last thing Jisung wants to do right now is open the door. But, what else can go wrong, he figures. They’re both drunk, so it’s possible Minho won’t even remember anything tomorrow. Although, Jisung really doesn’t believe that would happen. Sighing, he musters all the energy he has left to pick himself up off the floor. The door handle stares up at him, telling him it’s the only thing standing between him and his crush. Jisung groans and opens the door. 

He’s greeted by a defeated looking Minho with his hands in his pocket and his hair falling over his face. Though, as soon as he sees Jisung, he practically jumps out of his skin and rushes through the doorway. Jisung’s head spins some more as he turns around to face Minho who’s now deep inside the room, sitting on Seungmin’s bed as if it’s his own. 

Eyeing the doorway one more time, considering just walking out and leaving Minho again, he closes the door and walks towards the bed with a sigh. He can’t meet Minho’s eyes while he says, “What did you need to tell me so bad?”

“I love you.” Minho rushes out.

Jisung swallows. “I— I know, Minho. You already said that.”

“No, you don’t get it. _I love you,_ Han Jisung. Don’t you see? I don’t love you for your body or for your looks, although you are very cute,” he throws in, like an afterthought, “I love you for you. Which means all I’d want, all I’d ever need to be happy is just, well, you.” he finishes simply. 

Jisung feels caught off guard. He swallows once again and looks down, trying to hold back the tears that formed during Minho’s little speech. “I don’t get it.” Jisung says softly, and truly, he doesn’t. Jisung’s only ever heard of relationships involving sex. The thought of two people dating but not doing anything sexual with each other just doesn’t add up to him. Isn’t that the whole point of a relationship? 

Minho looks pained, as if he wants to yell but is trying to hold it in. “Jisungie,” he says, equally as softly, “I love you, and I would love to date you. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. We never even have to have sex for the rest of our lives, if you want. I don’t give a shit about that. All I want is to make you happy.”

Maybe it’s because he’s drunk, or maybe it’s because he’s mentally exhausted from all these months, but Jisung genuinely cannot grasp what Minho’s trying to say. The older’s words are confusing and conflicting with the thoughts running through Jisung’s mind, and suddenly Jisung’s head is spinning yet again. He can’t hold back his tears anymore so he just lets them rain down his cheeks, uncaring. His breath hitches as he tries to keep breathing normally, but there’s something inside his chest, constricting it. 

Minho watches as Jisung has some sort of internal battle. The younger boy is silently breaking down in front of him, and it’s the saddest thing he’s ever seen. He can’t handle it. Slowly, he closes the distance between them on the bed. Jisung’s breath picks up a little as he searches Minho’s face for any clue as to what Minho’s doing. Minho just smiles sadly and shakes his head, bringing an arm around Jisung’s back. “It’s okay, Sungie. Why don’t we talk about this tomorrow, okay? We’re obviously not sober enough for this.” 

Jisung nods in response, sniffling. Saying he feels overwhelmed would be an understatement. He lets Minho lead him to the center of the bed, where he pulls back the covers and gets under, hoping Jisung follows suit. 

Jisung sniffles again. “This is Seungmin’s bed.” He says dumbly. 

“It’s okay, I’m sure he won’t mind.” Minho replies, closing his eyes as if he’s already falling asleep. “Besides, the least he could do is offer you his bed.” 

Jisung stares for a second, processing what Minho just said, and then he laughs, surprising both of them. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

They settle down next to each other, not too close but not too far. Jisung turns, facing the wall rather than Minho. “Thank you.” 

Minho just hums in response. 

His head is pounding. 

That’s the first thing Jisung’s mind registers—the intense throb of a headache waking him from his much needed sleep. He whines as he rolls over, stuffing his face into a surprisingly fluffy pillow, hoping he can just hide from the headache. 

Someone giggles, but Jisung just groans in response. He doesn’t care right now, he just wants to escape the pain of being awake. 

“Jisungie, come on, we should get some water or something.” 

It’s a soft voice, one that actually soothes his headache rather than egg it on. Jisung, still on the cusp of unconsciousness, moves towards the nice sound with a hum. Fingers start carding through his hair, and he has to fight to hold back a moan at how good it feels, letting out a content sigh instead. 

The person giggles again, and Jisung’s tired brain finally places the voice with a name. Minho. 

Jisung would wonder why they’re in bed together, but trying to think of anything more than a few words gives him shooting pains, so he just accepts it. 

“M-Minho,” Jisung whines, “my head.” 

Minho makes a sound close to cooing, still running his fingers through Jisung’s hair. “I know, silly. That’s why we need to get up and find water.” 

Jisung huffs but makes no move to get up. Minho halts his fingers, knowing that’ll get Jisung’s attention. Jisung, with his eyes still closed, pulls his face into a pout and tries seeking the feeling again by following Minho’s hand. The two boys end up merely centimeters apart, Minho on his side with his head propped up by his other arm, looking down at Jisung with a fond expression. 

Minho whispers, knowing anything louder would just make Jisung’s headache worse with their close proximity. “It’s time to get up, baby boy.” 

Jisung sighs again, before his eyes pop open. Pain instantly courses through his skull, but he pays it no mind as he sits up with a suspiciously red face and finally takes in his surroundings. “W— fuck. What time is it?” he asks, avoiding Minho’s eyes and the fact that he just called him _baby boy. What the fuck_.

Minho takes a second to smile at him before responding. “I think it’s like 10am, not really sure though. My phone died last night, apparently.” 

This makes Jisung frown as he tries to locate his own phone. He pats his pockets before searching the bed, lifting the pillows and blankets in his haste. “Shit, I uh, I think I lost mine.” His mouth is feeling drier than he’s ever experienced, and all it does is make his head pound even more. “Fuck it, let’s get that water you were talking about.” 

Jisung stands up and immediately regrets it, feeling a strong wave of dizziness and nausea hit him hard. He freezes for a second, using all of his willpower to fight through it, and eventually it fades into something somewhat manageable. 

“You okay?” Minho asks from where he’s also now standing. 

“Yeah, I—I’m good. Just feeling super dehydrated, I guess.” Jisung carefully takes his first step, before deciding he’s well enough to walk and continues his trek to the doorway. 

They make their way down into the kitchen, looking around at the mess as if they’re in a pop-up museum. In the back of Jisung’s mind he knows he’ll be cleaning this up soon, but he can’t think of anything other than locating a gallon of water and drowning himself in it. 

He quickly grabs a glass and fills it up, hands shaking with fatigue. Immediately, he gulps the whole thing down, not even stopping once for air. 

“Careful, you’ll make yourself sick.” Minho says while in the process of filling up his own glass. 

“Yeah, right. I’m hungover as fuck, I’m already sick. This water is the only thing that’ll save me.” He doesn’t admit that the glass of water is already felt sloshing around his stomach, hoping his body will just absorb it like he so badly needs it to. 

They stand there in silence, both drinking water, and it begins to feel awkward. Jisung can’t place why, but it’s starting to give his hands another reason to shake. 

Racking his brain isn’t helping. Jisung isn’t able to remember anything from last night past drinking in the basement with his friends. Did he and Minho never make up from that little argument with Jisung yelling at him and then storming off to the bathroom? Then how would they have ended up sleeping in the same room? He shakes his head a little, hoping for some clarity, but his memories remain black. 

Putting down his glass, he tilts his head to the side, trying to act casual. “So, uh, did you enjoy the party?” 

Minho makes eye contact with Jisung over the rim of his cup, eyebrows pulling up and together, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. He coughs a little, trying to swallow the water he was drinking, before laughing, loud and boisterous. 

Jisung stands there awkwardly, not understanding his reaction. He lets out his own chuckle, but it’s painfully confused. The situation is starting to give him anxiety, which isn’t helping his stomach. 

“I’m sorry,” Minho says in between laughs, “it was really rude of me to laugh at that, because you clearly don’t remember, right?” 

Jisung swallows, unsure of what emotion he should be feeling right now. “Remember what?” He tries to sound bright and casual, but he’s sure it comes across as anxious. 

Minho stops laughing and leans against the counter. His eyes drop to the floor, and his smile drops with it, turning into something more like self deprecation. “I’m guessing there’s a lot you don’t remember, wouldn’t it be a little overwhelming hearing all of it at once?” he says, almost desperately, as if trying to convince Jisung to not ask about it. “Maybe we should get our shit together first. Clean the house, figure out the whereabouts of your phone, maybe check to see if your friends are alive—“ 

“Minho,” Jisung stops his painfully obvious rambling, “just tell me?” He asks it in kind of a sad way, knowing he’s not going to like the answer from the way Minho’s acting. 

Minho’s quiet for a moment, clearly debating on filling Jisung in or not. He looks so distressed, Jisung notes. He’s never seen Minho this uncomfortable before. His anxiety spikes again, this time bringing his stomach with it. 

“Um, okay. Give me a second.” Minho replies, trying to figure out how to summarize last night’s events. 

Jisung suddenly feels like he’s sweating. A sharp pain shoots through his stomach and it makes his mouth start to water. His eyesight goes blurry and he begins to panic. 

“Wait—” Jisung’s able to say.

“No, Jisung. You deserve to know—“

Jisung looks around, knowing what his body’s about to do and trying to prepare. His eyes land on the sink and he rushes over at the exact same time Minho says, “we kissed.” 

Jisung throws up into the sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment to let me know if you're enjoying so far :)


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